SULTAN OF SWING TO MAKE BEGGARS DEBUT!

STOP PRESS

Slaphead swingbowler Sarb Johal has stunned the Indoor Cricket world by
confirming he will make his debut for the Brooklyn Beggars this Monday.
After two straight seasons of sad excuses, Johal broke with traditon to
confirm his availability and will add an extra shine to the already red
hot Beggars, joining fellow-follicularly challenged team mates Josh
Williams, Stephen Metherell, and Justin Gregory in a deadly quartet of
cueball class.
"I've looked forward to this moment for a long time', said Johal to no
one in particular. "Joining the Beggars has always been a dream of mine,
along with making it into double figures in an outdoor game and someone
holding a catch off my bowling".
Beggars supremo Justin Gregory welcomed Johal into the team, saying "It
was about bloody time!".

ENDS.

Ongoing Injury Saga

In an exclusive interview with the Journal of Irreproducable Results star Brooklyn Beggar The Reverend Dr. Saint Russell reveals the strain of his non-stop action lifestyle is taking it's toll.

"Even though I'm obviously in much better condition than most of those slack bastards, I'm still not getting any younger, yet." said the debonair and stylish right arm bowler, and occasional cricketer.

"you can't expect me to bowl these long spells without it taking it's toll. 2 overs? That's enough to get through 1/2 a team in real cricket. The whole team if you can find some one as good as me for the other end."

Asked about his recovery programme the exquisite DIY enthusiast stated "Well, I'm planning on spending a fair few hours on the massage table this weekend. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll try getting her to give me a massage instead."

With a looming controversy over physical appearance looking likely the floccinoccinihilipilificationist gardener responded "I'm not getting involved in that again. And anyway, at least one person other than my mother has told me that I don't look that bad. In the right light. Or the dark."

Quizzed on his performance in the nail biting win over 5th placed Beamers the straight laced father of pre-post-modern left handed grouse appreciation replied that "look, I was doing my best to make sure we ended up in a nice easy grade. You can't blame me for Josh taking a catch and a stumping off my bowling. No one could possibly have expected that. Any further questions can be relayed through my lawyer, or axolotyl portfolio adviser."

P.S. Russell will, of course, be taking the field on monday, even if it is after his bed time.

Metherell pays Tribute to List

Forgotten hero Stephen Metherell today paid an tribute emotional tribute to
former Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List. Tonight the Beggars take the
field for the first time since List stood down from the captaincy; the
beginning of the D-List era. "While Lists playing performances never reached
the hights of Stephen Flemming's trousers in that air conditioning ad"
Metherells said, "I think we'll all miss the dogged determination with which
he counted the money before every game and how he almost always remembered to
nominate a bowler for the coming over. In fact he was so fastidious that he
more often than not nominated two bowlers for an over. I know Justin brings a
lot of short man's complex to the captaincy but defending our Minor Final
Runner's Up title without Kev's back turned to the helm will be an up hill
struggle."

Ends

Breaking News

Michael Hollings has issued a statement to the beggars through his agent
Heath Davis " it is untrue that mr Hollings is unattractive...this
slander is nothing but fodder for the underlying jealousy attributed to
Mr Hollings outstanding preseason form in the other form of the
game....a swashbuckling 85 splattered with a lost ball and many other
glorious shots" Hollings finds it "repugnant that there is a tall poppy
syndrome acting within the beggars who he thought were Good Guys"

New Beggar Nervous, has Second Thoughts, and feels the Weight of Expectation.

A clearly nervous Grahame Morton confessed to having second thoughts as his Beggars debut loomed. In a stunning exclusive with Women's Day, he confessed to the awe that all have felt when confronted with the step-up to the awesome past and reputation of the beggars.

"Quite honestly it's going to be harder that following Flem," he said, "at least international cricketers have all the support staff to help them out and cope with the hostile press. What do I have ? Nothing. I've been out of the game for a while, the spotlight will be intense and I'll be my own trying to match the high expectations of the rest of the lads."

"Let's face it, I've heard some of the stories that these boys have come up with on their past exploits," he added. "The fragile combination of egos, talent and rouge in the side can't be taken lightly and as a newcomer to the set-up I know that its not going to be easy to fit in. I know there's only one way that has ever worked in the past - extravagant flamboyance and perhaps over enthusiastic sledging on court - and that's certainly the route I'll be taking."

I'm looking forward to it.

Ends

List Rescues Beggars

Brooklyn Beggars allrounder and all-round good guy Kevin List rescued
the team this afternoon with an emergency ring-in to replace the
unreliable and unattractive Mike Hollings.
Sources say that List has secured the services of Joe Beaglehole as the
final Beggar for tonights game. Beaglehole becomes the 43rd player to
don the rouge and is also the most oddly-named to ever take the court
for the ageing superstars.
New captain Justin Gregory was relieved, hopeful, and lightly flatulent
after hearing the news: "Wouldn't it be great if Kev organised the team
each week, and I just had to do the onfield captaincy, you know, Methers
bowl now, Josh stop doing that, use your hands not your face Jason, that
sort of thing".

ENDS

Gregory Reaches Out to List

A reflective Justin Gregory reached out to former Brooklyn Beggars
captain Kevin List today, as news came through of opening batsman and
pie-merchant bowler Michael Hollings shock withdrawal from the team,
only hours before the first game of the new season.
Gregory, the Beggars' new skipper, spoke candidly to a group of
confused passers-by about the pressures of captaincy and his new found
empathy for List.
"Clearly, the stresses of organising a team each week, will weigh as
heavily upon me as they did upon Kev", said Gregory. "It was sad to see
Kevin reduced from the fine, upstanding, Coronation Street watching sort
of chap we all knew and tolerated, to the, well, to the wreck you see
now."
Gregory went on to say that, having walked a mile in Kevin's shoes,"I
can definitely confirm that he should have bought a pair with more grip
for the last outdoor season."

Ends.

Hollings "a total flake" says Williams

Freed from the shackles of the public service code of conduct, Josh Williams wasted no time in calling scooter-wielding teammate Mike Hollings "a total flake" mere minutes after word came out that Mr Hollings had pulled out mere hours before the triumphant return of the Brooklyn Beggars.

"Look, I'm not OIA-able anymore, I can say what I please. This is simply outrageous pulling out of the debut match this close to the game. I simply cannot imagine the scale of the catastrophe that would warrant such an action, and so I'm looking forward to a public apology, and I'm sure that Beggars' management will see fit to issue the appropriate censure."

Williams denied that the real reason he was happy Mike Hollings had pulled out was that he is a very short man and finds it difficult to 'keep to Mr Hollings invariably short-pitched bowling.