Metherell expresses bemusement at List "Heartache"

Gossip magazine roundup

Leading all the world's gossip titles this week is reaction to Kevin List's much publicised heartache. Fellow Brooklyn Beggar and unavailable heart-throb Stephen Metherell, seemed unable to comprehend what all the fuss was about: "I don't know what all the fuss is about" he said, "I know it's been a long time between games but it's hardly like one of the team has given up or that he's been dumped from the beggars or anything truely sad like that". The hansome and deeply caring Metherell went on "I know Sam defected to the rebel English league, and we all groped about despparately to come to terms with that, but the team's given Kev enough ups and downs since then to keep any red-shirted man happy. Kev really has to learn to satisfy himself and to appreciate the weekly ins and outs of manly sport, with that in your life there shouldn't be any room for heartache.

Williams offers random, unmitigated, effusive praise to List

Late Tuesday afternoon, too late for the 6pm news, but early enough for the morning papers, star Brooklyn Beggars batsman/bowler/keeper Josh Williams broke a long period of media silence by issuing an unmitigated outburst eulogising the skipperage of Beggars captain Kevin List.

"Make no mistake, Kevin is god-like, a total genius", Williams effused. "His strategic thinking has a complete stranglehold over the fifth dimension. He's single-handedly keeping the competition alive. By holding back on paying the registration fee he's showing incredible restraint. We would get 25 bonus points which would put us in a commanding lead of the fifth dimension after only two games. Such a move would hopelessly demoralise all-comers and hopeful teams who dream of having the sort of class and talent Kev has at his disposal, and would make our weekly wanton dispatching of wannabee teams all the less pleasurable. In a nutshell, Kev has managed through his astute, shrewd and perspicacious captaincy to maintain a perfect balance between fun and results."

When questioned on the motivation for his fulsome outpouring an obviously emotional Williams said "pure respect mate. There isn't a beggar alive who wouldn't self-immolate without a moment's hesitation on Kev's say so." Williams refused to be drawn on questions of whether his testimony was genuine or if he was simply trying to cheer Kevin up following a miserable phone call from a despondent List which articulated unprecedented heartbreak, domestic issues and financial woe.

Beggars Pen Portraits

With the new season kicking off tonight Richard Boock profiles the worlds' most popular Indoor Cricket Team. Included here for the first are their outrageous nicknames so you can really get to know these stars of the astro-turf.

Kevin "Kev" List (Captain)
Leads by Osmosis, List's over idulgence in tea and Cronation Sreet inspired onanistic fantasies appears drive him on in the field, though his batting has been in decline ever since Bet Lynch left the Rovers' Return.

Russell "Russ" Hewitt
The Kaumatua of the team, recent carbon dating lends credence to the theory that Hewitt was the minor Biblical figure fielding at short cover at the very birth of the game: "Peter stood up to the eleven and was bowled" (Acts 2 13-15). Officially the third sexiest Beggar.

Andrew "Andy" Cameron
The missing link. Neither lothario of his own wet dream nor stable family man, Cameron's recent highly publicised date seemed a belated flowering after his tormented singularity. Rumours that the date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre are too scurrelous for any reputable organ to repeat. Therefore we can exclusively reveal that Andy's hot date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre.

Stephen "Stephen" Metherell
Possessor of a classical action Metherell's pace is enhanced by the ebb and flow of carefully layered folds of subcutaneous fat adding weight behind the ball.

Justin "Justin" Gregory
Playing under the pseudonym "Justin Gregory" since his millenial conversion to fundamentalist Islam, the silver tongued thespian lives on a diet conquests of improbably young (or is that old?) maidens. Proof of the theory that the male sex drive is essentially the desire to share an anecdote over a beer.

Michael "Mike" Hollings
Known to ditch the team, and even cut his hair, for his latest Delilah, Hollings remains an enigma to his team-mates due to his effette habit of avoiding beer soaked after match post-mortems in favour of a quick ride (on his Vespa... as he calls her).

Jason "Jason" Te Kare
Despite all posing and pretences of extra ordinary manliness among the less self assured team members, it is the mild mannered Te Kare who owns the title "most fecund Beggar" with three children so far acknowledged.

Joshua "Josh" Williams
Renaissance man William's wristy left handed guitar and batting hint at other extra-curricular activities. Permanently addled by equal and mutually agravating doses of alcohol and love sickness.

Metherell Answers Corruption Allegations

07/08/2007 - Thorndon

Stephen Metherell today broke off from his exhausting training schedule to deny waning semi-lothario Josh Williams' allegations that he rigged the voting in a crucial early season Brooklyn Beggars poll.

Reading from a prepared statement, Metherell said "I welcome any investigations into the source of my support.which will reveal only that my fan-base is truly international and and transgender." However Metherell was in agreement with one of Williams' allegations: "if Williams want's to get to the bottom of his pathetic showing in the poll he will indeed find the answer if he looks in my bathroom mirror." When asked what Williams might be doing in his bathroom he snapped "look mate, team bonding sessions remain private, you've overstepped the mark, that's it, I've no further comment to make.

Pass this on to Josh Mate

From: Alan Donald [mailto: white.lightning@ecb.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, 7 August 2007 04 :48 a.m.
To: Stephen Metherell
Subject: Pass this on to Josh Mate

Hi mate, how's it's going? How's Lisa doing? The big day must be getting close! Saw your stats for the last outdoor season, what a terrible comment on the pitches and standard of umpiring!

Anyway, Kev's probably told you I'm consulting for you guys this season so I thought I'd get cracking... just had a look at the footage of Josh's bowling on the site, unbelievably shocking mate! Tell him there's nothing much there a double amputation wont fix! Nah just kidding. First thing, though, tell him from me to work on a follow through. that little pirouette thing makes him look even more like a poof!

I'll start working on the rest of the team soon, of course I'll only be repeating everything you taught me back in the day!

Anyway, I better get back to it. Early start today. I'm going over with what the significance of the flat brown bit of the field with Harmy (sheesh!).

Cheers
Alan

Metherell resets Internet "Cookies"

Josh Williams today heightened tensions in the Beggars ranks by suggesting that Stephen Metherell must be resetting his cache or deleting internet "cookies" in order to cheat the poll on the Brooklyn Beggars website.

When asked if he had any evidence of such tampering Mr Williams replied "IP addresses are being recorded however all the evidence you need is in Stephen Metherell's bathroom mirror"

http://brooklynbeggars.blogspot.com

Beggars Promoted to the Fifth Dimension

News Briefs

After their stunning early season form, World Indoor Sports (WIS) have announced that the Brooklyn Beggars have been promoted to a new cricket league simply known as the "fifth dimension" created solely to cater for teams of such rareified talent. The Beggars will not expect to get any easy rides in the new league with old players The John Rowles Experience looking to match their pulling power.

Beggars captain, Kevin List, said that the promotion was just deserts for the hard work the team had put in during the off season. "Even Andy (Cameron) went on a date so obviously all the spade work is paying off in... erm... spades" he added somewhat prosaically. A WIS insider, commenting on the condition that his identity and cause of his terminal psoriasis not be revealed, said that other teams were "simply too embarrasssed to perform in an enclosed space with such stunningly dressed and striklingly hansome men, I call it performance anxiety and I know the feeling well". "Really", he went on "we had to find adequate competition for them or risk losing their stunning pulling power and unsettling homoerotic allure forever, so when the John Rowles Experience entered a team our new league of stars was born."

The Beggars will expect to be favourites when the TAB open betting on the new league opens.

External link: Fifth Dimension Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=800&place=41