Beggars Dating Antics Beggars Belief

New Weekly - Online Special

24 July, 06.25 EST

In a shocking departure from team convention, serial Wellington
dating-machine Kevin 'scooper dooper' List was caught on camera earlier
this week ogling newly matched team mate Andy Cameron and his unknown
mystery partner, even while taking a second unknown mystery woman to the
movies!

NW can reveal that Cameron looked stunning in a striped Gautier shirt,
and certainly seemed to be enjoying the highly-artistic and moving
foreign film, whilst List seemed ill-at-ease with the large and unsubtle
subtitles at an upmarket Wellington cinema.

NW insiders understand that List's antics have long been a cause of
tension within the camp, and may well be behind Cameron's sudden
decision to make himself unavailable for this week's pre-season warm up.

Other theories for Cameron's absence have been attributed to Great Uncle
Bulgaria's recent heart attack on Wimbledon Common, or even to an attack
of killer termites on his family farm.

ENDS

Beggars win championship - 3 July 2017

The Brooklyn Beggars celebrated their 10th anniversary this week in perfect style, taking out Division 1 back where it all began, in Newtown Wellngton. The normally private Beggars agreed to pose for a single photograph, which aptly illustrated the scientific curiosity the Beggars have become, their routine of one hour's exercise followed by 1-2 stubbies of Heineken once a week appearing to have completely halted the aging process.

Government $10 bid to keep Brooklyn Beggars afloat

By Jonathon Millmow in Brooklyn - Fairfax Media | Friday, 6 July 2007
They failed to win the Wellington Indoor Sports World Cricket Championship but the Brooklyn Beggars' future now looks assured.

The New Zealand government announced in the wake of last night's crushing 127-82 semi final loss to the Fossils in Newtown it will bankroll another tilt at brining the the title home.

Economic development minister Trevor Mallard said the government would provide each player's $10 fee per game and the registration the ball rolling in the coming months.

Beggars boss Kevin List said it was a great gesture and he would be back at the helm of the team.
"I have put my name forward and said I will run another challenge," he said.
"[The government's contribution] is an amazing step and I know we have huge support from the prime minister, Michael Cullen and the cabinet," said List.

"The Government's support has been sensational and without them we would not have had the time or the facilities to run our successful press campaign, let alone the funds for our after match beers." List added that he understands that the Government will ask that all members of the team aside from himself make token appearances at Government Agencies around Wellington in return for the funding and press facilities.

List said he was gutted after last night's loss.
"We are incredibly disappointed," It feels like our heart has been dug out with a spoon and I don't think that will change in the short term. But the Fossils were better. That's all that matters it's been a long three months. But of course I'm enormously proud.

"We enjoyed winning the fashion awards but we always knew it was only a step along the road to the ultimate prize.
"We didn't come here to just take part. We came here to win it. We haven't done that, so we're just going to have to re-group and have a look at what the future holds.

"We've been focused on the now. We'll need a bit of time to look at what happens next."
Mr Mallard said losing the was "a real bugger" but there had been "tremendous publicity" for Brooklyn, and the team returns much of the tax payer's money over the bar "so the net cost is actually very, very little".

Mallard denied that funding was linked to Beggars star Stephen Metherell's recent ejection from Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand party. Rumours were fueled when Mallard was overheard describing Copeland's Incontinence and Supply agreement with the Government as "worth keeping for when someone forgets to change the bogroll".

Copeland too denied the link, saying that the former pin-up boy of Family Friendly politics was ejected from his party because of the Beggar's "inappropriate attire." "The way that tight red number showed off his jiggly little man-boobs was an entirely inappropriate image for a family party." Copeland added that he couldn't erase the image from his mind and was considering taking time out of "the limelight" in order to rebuild his marriage.
-with NZPA

Cameron Mk2 to debut for Beggars

The will-he won't-he sage of retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has been finally bought to a close this afternoon after Andy revealed that he will not be making a come-back for the team in their crucial match-up against the Fossils at WIS Stadium this Thursday.

Cameron moved to dampen speculation he would re-join the team after rumours were swirling all week following exclusive pictures of a man who looked like Cameron practising on the hallowed turf of the Basin Reserve. However, in a stunning turn around, Cameron has revealed that his identical twin brother, Andre, will make his first team debut.

Andre, who recently returned to New Zealand after some years living and playing pygmy ice hockey in Kazakhstan, has no known international cricket experience, but reporters at the press conference this afternoon heard him mutter 'high five!' and 'rakhmet!' many times in a strong accent.

Andy, who for some reason did all the talking, stated that Andre is a slow right-arm off-spin bowler and hard-hitting lower order batsman who has been known to indulge pre-match. In what exactly, was not stated. However Andy did state that 'as he is my younger brother, by 27 and a half minutes, you can expect him to be fitter and more brutal with both bat and ball."

With the weakened Beggars staring defeat in the face against a strong line up of overtly weathered Fossils after the loss of Roose and Te Kare, it is expected that any slow bowler will be useful in a team dominated by military medium to outright slow medium pacers.

The game will be televised on Prime, in the absence of their gaining the rights to any more lucrative sports.


ENDS

Muesli Allegations Threaten Career

Dominion Post, 2 July 2007
Exclusive

Stephen Metherell's Indoor Cricket and political career hang by a thread today after it was revealed that he was at home making muesli less than an hour before the Brooklyn Beggars allrounder's farcical performance against That Team last Thursday. The Beggars operate a strict pre match drinking policy but while Metherell's performances were leading them to the semi-finals his monogamy and relative sobriety was overlooked by management. However, after a well documented match-losing performance against That Team on Thursday, Metherell's wonton wholesomeness is coming under scrutiny and his place palce in the team is in doubt. Beggars sponsor have long been agitating for Metherell's removal from the team on the grounds that his public persona is not in keeping with their product and are expected to contact Beggars selectors on the matter this week. When confronted by management with the allegations Metherell is understood to have claimed to have consumed one bottle of Mac's Light (a one percent brew) in the hours before the match and thus to have been adhering to team policy. Beggars sources report that this has further enraged sponsors and officialdom alike.

In a further twist, Gordon Copeland, the leader of Future New Zealand, for whom Metherell is number 121 on the party list is understood to be enraged and considering sacking him from the party. "I've spoken to my caucus" said Copeland after muttering to himself "and we just cannot tolerate this kind of publicity for a member of my... I mean our party. As a member of a family friendly bloc like ourselves Stephen should have been supervising his wife's household duties from the safety of the lounge while conserving his energies for the arduous task of hitting his [as yet unborn] child with love". When confronted with the news that Metherell is not, in fact, yet married to his "wife" Copeland replied "how can she be pregnant then?" and muttered something about "unnatural practices of Green party members" infiltrating society.

Official announcements concerning Metherell's political and cricket career are expected from Beggars captain Kevin List soon.

Cameron silent on 'comeback' rumours...

adio New Zealand news market update at midday

Retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has refused to speak to media assembled outside his highly secret Wellington workplace this morning after late evening rumours surfaced that he was considering a short-lived comeback to help the struggling Beggars in their upcoming sudden-death semi-final against the slow-burning Fossils.

Cameron, who retired earlier this year following injury, has consistently denied he was considering a come-back, however this mornings sudden silence is adding fuel to the currency fire, with analysts at Deutsche Bank predicting a sharp drop in the value of the Kiwi dollar if his silence continues. Head analyst Ulf Schoefishe noted that the kiwi's recent gains against the greenback were partly due to speculation around Cameron's future plans, but with no certainty in the market, "there is a chance a sustained slide could ensue if Cameron does not make his future plans clear."

I'm Catriona McLeod for Radio New Zealand news.

News Briefs: Metherell Undergoes Brain Scan & Cognitive Testing

Stephen Metherell was today rushed to an exclusive celebrity sick bay after complaining of nausea when recalling his last match for the Brooklyn Beggars. Metherell stoicly withstood a blow which would have reduced 7 of his team mates to girly tears when he bravely headed an atypically well struck Josh Williams shot to prevent it describing a parabolic arc into a That Team player's waiting hands. Sources in the sick bay say the scans and testing revealed Metherell has organic brain damage causing Tourette's syndrome and "a tendency fart in public and make comments innappropriate to the social context" but that "these conditions were almost certainly pre-existing and, if anything, a decent blow to the head might shut him up". Asked if there was evidence of such a blow the source replied "oh no, the ball would have had to have been hit by a cricketer".

Youtube clamps down on Metherall Impact Footage - Cricinfo Briefs

Mere hours after new footage emerged on the popular video sharing website Youtube of the sickening impact of an indoor cricket ball onto the ear of Stephen Metherell during last week's Brooklyn Beggars clash, it has been removed. Ozzie Ozmeister, claimed a copyright infringement on behalf of his company, Psoriasis Entertainment, which owns the television rights to Wellington Indoor Sports Cricket. This sets an unusual precedent, as it is understood that the amateur footage was not part of the official broadcast.

Meanwhile, WIS management have apparently issued Josh Williams a new bat weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces to try and limit the sheer power of his strokeplay, following the shot which Mr Metherell was, according to his reconstructive surgeon, "very, very lucky to survive".

Mr Williams' was reported to be "very shaken" by the incident and has not spoken about it publicly until now, and exclusively to Cricinfo. "It was like it was slow motion - i remember seeing the parabolic arc of his spectacles, hearing the high-pitched squealing, and watching him drop like a sack of spuds. My Gower-esque timing is pretty well-documented, and I knew I'd gotten all of it [the shot], and so I feared the worst."

Finally, more information about the horrific incident has come to light following the release of the black box recording from the ball. It was travelling 182kph when it made contact with Mr Metherell's head, 0.11 seconds after leaving Mr Williams' blade. It is understood that that while some of the shock of the impact was absorbed by the flex in the arm of Mr Metherell's spectacles, the ball registered an impact of 17g.

An announcement concerning Mr Metherell's selection is expected to be made later in the week, Beggars management are understood to be looking closely at both his form and fitness.