Beggars Inflict Stunning Default on Cougar Hunters

News Briefs

In a stunning top of the table clash at the WIS Hyperdome yesterday the Brooklyn Beggars' blood red shirts and media savvy PR campaign cowed the Cougar hunters into submission even before hostilities commenced. Speaking on behalf of the Cougar Hunters, a bland and effeminate auditor (indistinguishable from his team-mates even to himself), put the Hunters' loss down to down to bewitching cocktail of p*nis envy and performance anxiety. "For a start the prospect of facing the famous red shirts of Brooklyn caused a serious bout of introspection, we didn't really feel manly enough for the task, Then on Friday the Beggars publicity machine cranked into life and we realised we were simply not equipped to handle the pressures of celebrity which is part and parcel of bathing in the Beggars' reflected aura. Frankly, we couldn't compete with their hyper-celebrity mega-stardom and we had no choice but to cringe pathetically back in Wadestown where we belong ."

WIS officials have been similarly effected, failing as yet to register the hard earned default despite it's importance to the Beggars aspirations to finish at the atop the regular season standings.

Williams soaks up more pressure

Sports very briefs

Josh Williams is reported to be "unperturbed" in his exclusive government department this afternoon, despite the string of revelations concering his team-mates physical and mental fragility. The young firebrand spoke to media outlets this afternoon driven by a wish to reassure his legions of admirers he can continue to outshine his beggar colleagues for many weeks to come. "the physical breakdown of hollings and cameron, the mental breakdown of metherell and list, and the absence of gregory are all very sad, Probably it's the pressure to not be totally outshone by me that's a contributing factor to people falling to bits, and for that i'm sorry but it's nothing that beggars supporters should concern themselves with." Williams said. "I eat pressure" was the only other thing he added.

Williams then politely declined a number of proposals from attractive members of the throng of journalists before returning to his day job.

Bureaucracy Threatens Beggars Season

Jonathon Millmow, 12 October - WIS Hyperdome

In a shock move yesterday Brooklyn Beggars Captain and anachronistic establishment figure Kevin List apeared to deny a place to an actual cricketer in the Beggars line-up for Sunday's clash with the John Rowles Experience. Actual cricketer Grahame Morton, fresh from a three year stint representing New Zealand in the testing Chinese leagues has been denied a place in the Beggars lineup based on an obscure and unenforced law which has been routinely flouted by all other teams. Law 111 b (i) states that "Players must play at least on third of all round robin games or a total of 5 throughout the season" the law doesn't state to which games this applies, nor was it applied to the Beggars' las Semi-final appearance.

"The law's an ass" said team mouthpiece Stephen Metherell, "does it mean that you cannot field a player in the second game of the season who hadn't played in the first? If this rule is enforced the consequences could be greater than the D'Oliveria affair. I note also", he went on, "that rule 111 b (ii) states that "Players may not play in two teams in the same grade". This is a thinly veiled threat on the life of List's fellow anachronistic establishment figure Ozzy Ozzmeister whose psoraisis is thought to become life threatening without constant astro-turf exfoliation.

Actual cricketer Grahame Morton has had a successsful if peripatetic career, appearing in the national competitions of Dunedin, Tauranga, the Cook Islands as well as China. He is best remembered as the subject of the "grannygate" controversey when, after being selected to trial for the Cooks test team it was discovered that poor handwriting had led to the belief that his grandmother was born in Rarotonga, not Rotorua.

Another actual cricketer, Mark Richardson, remembers Morton from his days in Dunedin in the early 90s. "I owe Grahame my test career" Richardson said "the sight of him striding to the crease at number 8 for University Grange sparked off my bowling yips and if that hadn't happened I'd never have worked on the full range of nurdles to third man that took me to the test arena". Actual cricketer Brendon Bracewell recalls a game against Morton's Tauranga Boys' High School First XI "by that time my back was well b*ggered but my sledging was still international class, and that spotty opener (Morton) copped a real spray". Actual cricketer Dean Jones, reflecting on a Hong Kong Sixes tournament featuring Morton said "I may have called him a terrorist, but that particular misquote was taken out of context".

Seasoned Beggars observer, Adam the Umpire opined "we can't get the league table correct, how do you think we're ever going to enforce a qualification rule? In my opinion the Beggars can't afford not to blend a cricketer into their collection of sham artists and fakers."

ENDS

External Link: World Indoor Sports Laws of Indoor Cricket: http://www.wis.net.nz/assets/PDFs/Winter%202007%20Cricket.pdf

Injury threatens Beggars season finale

In what some are describing as a sickening blow to team morale just days out from the most important few weeks of the Beggars season, two of the stars of the team have succumbed to career threatening injuries. With Michael Hollings managing to get his foot placed in plaster (to avoid having his opening spot usurped by one J Williams according to insiders), the team was left having to beg, borrow and steal whomever came there way in their last sickening loss.



However Inside-Out-Sport is today able to reveal that star all-rounder, and perhaps the loudest man ever to play indoor cricket, Andy J Cameron III, will have to miss at least the next two weeks of the Beggars faltering campaign due to a recurrence of his early career back injury.



Cameron is expected to hold a media conference in the next few minutes, but Inside-Out-Sport have managed to travel back in time via an as yet undiscovered worm hole in the space time continuum and can reveal this startling news ahead of other media outlets.



At the conference Cameron’s spokesperson S Metherell is expected to say something like; “Well it’s a shame that the over-hyped show pony has had to give up playing again because of his fragile mental state – but hey – the team is bigger than any one man, particularly one of his stature!”



ENDS

Flat Track Bully Reveals "Egos Rule Beggars"

Hollings says he got it wrong about Cameron.."he is not a glory boy but an Australian in Disguise"



Michael Hollings with Jason Tekare (the premiere batsmen of the beggars)have said that "it had always been too hard to get any words in with the constant ranting of "Kevin.work the nets..field on the nets kevin" and had thought that this antagonising of fellow team mates to be "less than encouraging and quite Australian in behaviour .we wouldn't lower ourselves to that level, we let our bats do the talking..at anytime we are ready to swap positions with the glory boys from Australia". This has raised an interesting dilemma within the beggars as to whether Captain Kevin List is willing to change such a fantastic and very productive opening partnership.

All Eyes Turn to the Beggars

Richard Boock - World Indoor Sports Hyperdome, Newtown

After a year of minor disappointment for New Zealand sport, with the Cricket, Yachting and Rugby lost, and the Netball World Championship to be contested by women, the eyes and the specially purchased 50" flat-screen Televisions of the nation will be turned to the World Indoor Sports Centre as the playoffs of the WIS Fifth dimension approach. The beggars, top of the table however the order is published, have an easy run in to the playoffs provided they remember the start times and their shirts, and will expect nothing less than three crushing victories before advancing to a probable semi-final date with the surprise packets of the tournament, Team Maad. With a solid core of loudmouths and an absence of quality back-up players, the Beggars have not experienced the controversies of rotation and leadership issues. Indeed, the continued selection of Andy Cameron and the subtle and caring manner in which the beggars have dealt with his on-field problems seem to have paid dividends with the slightest inkling of form shown in his edgy innings of 32 last week.

Booked Tickets
Cheryl from Levin, clad in a replica of the pink Beggars change strip, was so confident that the boys from Brooklyn would march all the way to the finals that she has already booked her bus ticket to Wellington for the final. "I'll sleep in the queue outside the hyperdome if that's what it takes to get in" Cheryl said, " this is the trip of a lifetime, I've never been overseas, let alone to Wellington before, I just know they're going to do it this season, nothing can stop them this time. go the reds!"

Mood of the Nation
If the tone of talkback callers is anything to go by, the nation is confident that the spoils will go to the Beggars. Wayne from Upper Hutt, calling radio sport in the wake of the All Black's wholly predictably capitulation in the weekend, spoke for the whole country: "Mate" he said to a somebody he has never met, "I'm not worried about the blacks' result because I knew all along they weren't mentally tough enough to handle the pressure. These boys from Brooklyn though, they've put the hard work in in their government departments and what have you, so they know all about the trials and hardships of life, that means they'll stand tall, they'll dig deep and show passion for the jersey, they'll show some pride and do it for the fans back home, they have kept in touch with the grass underlay traditions of indoor cricket and they have the ticker to deal when it comes to the wire." Mate" he went on "I'm not ashamed to say that I cried when they went down in the semis last time but they've learnt from the experience and they understand what it means to the country for them to win so I just know that they'll do it for us this time".

Note of Caution
Veteran journalist Ozzy Ozzmeister, talking to Wayne on his indoor cricket talkback show "Stroking balls indoors", sounded a note of caution. "All last week's result proved" he opined "was that the Beggars are the best team when it comes to beating the minnows but that means nothing when the completion moves to the knockout stage. The standard of their next matches isn't enough to key them up for the big tests to follow. Also I'd question the distraction of their marketing campaign, I mean that vial filled with little squares astro-turf from all the courts in the country they've played on, how's that help? I heard they actually took the turf from a netball court anyway! And those little figurines of the boys have them drinking out of glasses, how stupid's that! Sure they're looking good but I wouldn't put my house on a beggars victory".

Wayne from Upper Hutt replied "too late mate, I mortgaged me house to bet on the beggars. 5 to 1 and it's a sure thing! You negative bu**ers really p*ss me off."

Beggars campaign manager, Gordon Copeland, denied the weight of expectation placed undue pressure on the Beggars. "We don't take any notice of all the talk" he said, "my job is to mentor them, keep them focused, and united, and I know I'm the best person to lead them to the title".

Beggars Captain Kevin "Party" List denied Copeland had any connection to the team.

Nicky Hager: New Book Exposes Indoor Cricket Corruption

Hollow Men Author Nicky Hager this morning held another shock and awe
press conference to announce that his new book is called "Beggaring
Belief: World Indoor Sports". Mr Hager has announced he has come into
possession of a "huge" number of e-mails and electronic discussions
between Ozzy Ozmeister and his stable of running mates that will blow
the door wide open on player insider trading, team-stacking, grade
fixing, and deliberately making bad captaincy decisions to aid
poor-performing oppositions.

"Ozmeister turns out to have been a voracious forum poster" Hager said
"and was occasionally prone to very free and frank ranting about the
teams and even individual players. I think what emerges is a picture of
a man who no doubt contributed greatly to wellington indoor cricket, but
once he took control was able to manipulate teams and games on a nightly
basis, was very confident in his judgements of other peoples' abilities
but a bit of a blind spot where his own were concerned.

Of more concern is the results manipulation Ozmeister has managed.
Ozmeister has developed an elaborate and sophisticated scam where he
rotates a stable of players into several "placeholder" teams in most
grades, and other teams that were simply invented on the night as the
result of defaults, if the teams ever actually existed in the first
place. The system was so sophisticated, that it involved player
rotation to ensure that genuine oppositions, like Brooklyn's famous
"Beggars" never caught on to the truth. Genuine teams, like the Beggars,
were therefore turning up and paying their money on a weekly basis
thinking they were playing in a genuine competition against genuine
teams.

Nicky Hager said he had spent hours this morning poring over the
materials and released a selection of excerpts from the discussion
forum. Including the following scandalous quote from the match report
of 7 June 2007, when superstar Brooklyn Beggar Josh Williams found
himself accidentally playing in Ozzy's team having been roped in by his
mate Simon:

"...And still only had 7 and was going to play with 7 till Simon spotted
someone from the previous game who he knew, from a div 3 side, and who I
recognised as an average div 3 player but better than noone at all, so
roped him in to make 8."

Williams, through a spokesperson, wwas reported this afternoon to to be
"apopleptic" and "incensed". Williams is widely regarded as the
greatest player the game has ever seen, therefore the notion that he was
an "average div 3 player" to be complete and utter slander.

Brooklyn Beggars management are reported this afternoon to be
considering an injunction on Hager's book, based on the excerpts
relating to their team, which clearly demonstrate the extent of the
manipulation.

10 July 2007 "Anyway saw BB play tonight, they're a typical div 4 side I
spose, love slapping slow medium bowlers, but couldn't hit spin with an
oar."

26 July 2007: [beggars lost the match 130-20] "Had a slightly strong
team for this game, mostly cause I found out bout it just before the 6pm
game and had no time to arrange a more appropriate team.

We bowled first with a 1 game old ball, they struggled to hit a thing,
we had a bash, the end."

13 August 2007 "Had a slightly strong team, so again tried deliberately
helping them out with my bowling selections intended to help feed them
runs as much as possible, but theres only so much I can do without
taking a bat myself..."

In a statement, Beggars Management were said to be "deeply concerned"
that the sport had been brought into disrepute, and were considering
legal options.

Points Fiasco Sparks Protest

Sports Briefs



Beggars officials are expected to lodge a formal protest today after they were only awarded 9 competition points instead of the requisite 10 for their pants down 141 run (ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY ONE RUN) annihilation of the toothless Vipers.

Beggars return to preferred late night slot

onathon Millmow, Allied-Prime AMI Westpac SuperCheap Auto WIS Hyperdome

The Brooklyn Beggars will hope that a return to their favoured 9.20 (Nine
Twenty, or Twenty Minutes Past Nine in the old money) prime-time playing slot
tonight will spur a return to the winners circle after the mediocrity and
confusion of the past couple of weeks. Beggars starlet Jason Te Kare,
speaking from a hospital bed after his having his pectoral implant removal
operation reversed, said he thought that the timing left other teams at a
distinct disadvantage "Nine Twenty, being twenty Minutes after Nine O'clock
and forty minutes before ten o'clock, leaves most other teams in a state of
confusion. Players lacking the state sponsored intellectual stimulation of
the Beggars work in wholes and halves, but a third past nine or, if you like
two thirds to ten leaves them cold just when we're warmed up, tuned in and
ready to go".

Slimey Fingers
C*nt struck ex Lothario Josh Williams agrees that the twenty one Hundred
Hours and Twenty Minutes time slot plays into the Beggars' slimey Sunday
morning fingers: "the demands of the hyper-celebrity culture surrounding us
means that we're often two busy posing and preening earlier evening whereas
our Jetset party animal body clocks mean we are only really fully alert
approximately twelve hundred seconds after Nine O'clock."

Poseur
Michael Hollings, after denying any link between the size of his preferred
mode of transport and appendages considered vitally important to the average
indoor cricket groupie, claimed that the extra two hours and twenty minutes
after seven o'clock afforded him time to trim his errant sideburns. "I'm
really a bit to shy to eye-up the netball chicks without a quick trim of the
short 'n' curlies before hand" he said.

Jesus Christ
Beggars Kaumatua the very Reverend Russell Hewitt, Bishop of Berhampore, said
that recent biblical scholarship has all but confirmed that the first nail of
Jesus' crucifixion was hammered home at ten twenty am Jerusalem time, or nine
twenty in the evening, New Zealand Summer time. "The direct connection
between that event, Josh's pre-match communion, and the nail hammered into
the oppositions prospects in the match at that time cannot be put down to
coincidence" he said.

Daylight Saving
Having heard this, the captain's minder, Justin Gregory, blurted "Sh*t, does
Kev now about Daylight Saving!"

All this, and more, will become murkier at NINE TWENTY-TWENTY PAST
NINE-9.20PM-2120 TONIGHT.

Metherell - Williams will take it on the chin

International SuperStar Times 17 September 2007

Modest family-man allround superstar good guy Stephen Metherell today offered his unequivocal support to lame team mate Josh Williams. Williams, in common with many, has found Metherell's supersonic thunderbolts to hard to handle behind the stumps and has resorted to taking balls on the chin. Metherell today announced his support for the idea and promised Williams he will do his best to rest his team mates' limp wrist by delivering a short pitched barrage. Observes at a recent Beggars closed practice session reported that Metherell's bowling reached speeds unseen since Concord was decommissioned, with perennial Beggars bench warmer Saab Johal lucky to survive while captain Kevin List had to receive an emergency tea transfusion after his blood pressure reached dangerously high levels.

After the session an obviously engorged Metherell modestly made a favourable comparison between himself and former New Zealand "fast" "bowling" "great" Derek Stirling, pointing out that "for all he achieved in the game he [Stirling] never made the Beggars' starting eight, let alone reaching the fifth dimension." With one eye staring lovingly at his reflection while the other perused his own bottom, Metherell went on to promise to replicate his practice performance in the Beggars' top of the table clash with the ghey-monikered "Cougar Hunters" on Wednesday Night. "With Williams' hand no longer a concern, I feel I can really let rip on Wednesday, it'll nice to know that my team mates' mediocrity wont hold me back any more".

Williams takes it on the Chin

Williams Weekly, 17 September 2007

Humbled superstar Josh Williams says his thumb injury needs to take the lion's share of the blame for the Beggars' ignominious defeat last week. "I think the boys have gotten used to having me behind the stumps there, saying inspirational things like 'let's go fullas' and 'come on brookers' that sort of thing. At our age people don't like their routines being upset so i think my absence behind the stumps knocked the boys' confidence. "We've all come to expect a certain look of dazed bewilderment from Kev" Williams said, "but it's a bit scary when it's the rest of us as well"

Clearly Williams' left hand was not to blame, as he bowled a world-record over of negative 18. But his batting was sorely affected, hampered by the horrific thumb injury that meant he was not able to nurse the shockingly out-of-form Stephen Metherell through their mind-bogglingly dreadful partnership.

Looking forward to Wednesday's match, Williams has confirmed that while his thumb is still "giving him jip", he will resume his keeping duties. "I'm prepared to take on on the chin for the team" Williams said". "In fact, I'd definitely prefer taking one on the chin than another one on my thumb."

ENDS

Williams "Simpsonises" Self

While prevaricating over whether or not to go to the nets this afternoon, and in a pathetic and desperate attempt to get more votes on the sexy beggar poll, badly injured superstar wicketkeeper Josh Williams today Simsonised himself at http://simpsonizeme.com/

Metherell Defects to Rebel League

Sports Briefs

After intense speculation and unconvincing denials, Brooklyn Beggars star allrounder Stephen Metherell today finally announced his intention to sign with the as yet unformed rebel indoor cricket league. Not citing family or financial reasons, Metherell claimed that the recent unilateral decision by self appointed wowser Andy "Who?" Cameron to end the Beggars' pre, intra, and post match drinking was the sole reason for his defection. "Andy's knee-jerk decision undermines the very ethos of the game" Metherell said "I know there's frustration among the boys at the failure of WIS to supply us the high society (porn) star treatment to which we have become accustomed and richly deserve, but to react by ripping apart the very fabric of the game is abhorrent to me. I'm doing this for the game I love".

There are signs that Metherell's defection could lead to yet another acrimonious split among the creaking primadonnas of the world's most popular indoor cricket team as he claimed to be planning the defection of the entire Beggars franchise. "With the bulk of the team (me) already gone" Metherell said, "I'm confident the rest of the boys will take a stand for the sake of the game and we'll take the brand with us". When asked what he thought Cameron would do without the Beggars Metherell responded with typical vitriol "as far as I'm concerned he can just f**k off with his sports water with his poofter soccer chums".

Cameron was unavailable for comment as he is currently undergoing basic training with the Salvation Army.

Williams confused by List's mixed metaphors; grins at journalists.

Josh Williams was swamped by a media throng on his way to after-work drinks this evening following Kevin List's announcement that he may be involved with the unveiling of a new bowling action from the legendary Beggars Captain.

"I don't know what he's on about most of the time" Williams said. "The only thing I'm doing with my head is scratching it, after all that stuff about nooses and tigers' jaws"

Asked for confirmation of his attendance at Saturday nets Williams blessed the throng with the impish grin that has thus far earned him one vote on the "most sexy Beggar" poll and said "wait and see".

Williams on Rebel Indoor Sports League Rumours

Star human being Josh Williams of Brooklyn Beggars megastardom has reassured his legion of fans this afternoon that he would not support a breakaway indoor cricket league, despite an increasing clarion of dissention with the International World Indoor Sports Assocation, and some big Beggars' names like Stephen Metherell being associated with the breakway league rumours.

Rumours that World Indoor Sports is going to fold following the conclusion of the Winter 2007 season has led to increasing speculation that a rebel league may be about to coalesce around Indoor Cricket impresario Blair "Ozzy" Ozmeister. A number of big names have been associated with this move, most notably, Williams' long-time batting partner, Stephen Metherell.

Williams was unequivocal in his rejection of the prospect of moving to a rebel league, but open to the possibility that it might be a more appropriate move for some other Beggars reaching the Autumn of their careers.

"Look some of the older guys in the team like Metherell, List and Gregory might wanna look at something like that. I mean clearly the agility is starting to go, even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet. I mean, look at Stephen, I have huge respect for the man, and we've had some great knocks together but look at him this week playing and missing all day, getting clean bowled, and taking kamikaze singles - i mean that's not what Steve or the fans want to see - so look if there's an avenue open to someone like Steve, that can give him some income security for once the baby comes and after his ability has all gone, then I'm all for it."

Organisational Failings at WIS

A series of organisational failings has led to recent grumblings from players and organisers alike. In the most recent example it was revealed that four out of the seven remaining round-robin matches for the Brooklyn Beggars will be played at 9.20 pm, allowing little time for after-match Heinekens of either a celebratory or commiseratory nature. The economic impact of this lack of foresight may have a devastating impact on WIS bottom-lines come end of season.

This follows hard on the heels of WIS's failure to update their results website so that a full 36 hours had gone by before the Beggars' international hordes of fans could find out the result of Tuesday's clash between the Beggars and the Boundary Hunters. While the result itself may have been utterly predictable, the merciless extent of the object lesson in basic cricket handed out by the Beggars on Tuesday was highly newsworthy.

And of course thee "subs debacle" has entered the cricketing vernacular, as it is now three weeks since Brooklyn Beggars completed payment of their registration fees but the bonus points have yet to be awarded, costing the Beggars a clear berth at the top of the table.

ENDS

Bonus Points Fiasco Costs WIS Dearly

The financial empire that is Wellington Indoor Sports was this evening thrown into disarray, following an announcement by Brooklyn Beggar’s player’s representative Andy J Cameron 3.

The Beggars, who are lying second on the Fifth Dimension table, have been unimpressed by WIS’s inability to collate their bonus points, the arrival of which would see the team catapult into first following their stunning series of wins in recent weeks.

“I am saddened to announce that the Beggars management have agreed to stop all pre- and post match drinking at WIS until the bonus points we are owed are placed on our account’ announced a sombre faced Cameron 3, flanked by his life size portrait of Australian cricketing star of the 80’s, Greg Matthews.

“While the Beggars as a whole certainly enjoy an after-match imbroglio, in the current situation, we feel we cannot support WIS, as they are not supporting us.”

WIS were not available to comment on this latest stunning reversal of their finances, however it is understood that the Beggar’s bar room antics were one of the few bright spots in the cricket season for the company.

Analysts at the Reserve Bank are understood to be checking their sums in a crisis meeting to see if this will affect the viability of keeping the capitol city in Wellington.

ENDS

Protest Quashed, Beggars Whitewash Confirmed

Breaking News

After a marathon 43 hour hearing at the Dubai headquarters of World Indoor Sports, the inaptly named Boundary hunters' protest against Brooklyn Beggars' drug testing results has been quashed and the Beggars' 77-123 humiliation of the men from Karachi has been confirmed. The Hunters protested against the drug testers findings that the Beggars abnormally high testosterone levels were a naturally occurring byproduct of the high octane all action style of the team, citing the extremely suspicious after match behavour. In evidence the Hunters' lawyers cited the fact that after the match, in a first for the team, the Beggar's left the premises immediately thus spurning their ritual post match beer. Elaborating at a press conference, Alastair Campbell, the Hunters' Public Relations consultant, said "our scouts have been following this team for months in anticipation of this match and it's quite obvious that the post-match beer is intrinsic to the way they play. What other reason is there for them to not drink but to avoid incriminating themselves in the urinal?" Campbell also went on to cite the physique of some of the punier members of the squad as evidence that the Testosterone could not have been naturally occurring. "That wicketkeeper, whathisname, the one who cried because the ball hurt, what other explanation has he got for a positive test?" Anonymous sources, speaking from the dermatological ward of Wellington Hospital, reported that the hearing turned on the hair sprouting from the shoulders of star allrounder Stephen Metherell. Tests on the hair proved that it has been growing steadily for some years and is not due to recent ingestion of synthetic hormones as claimed.

Reporting on the match had been embargoed until the result of the appeal was released and the next of Kin of the mauled Hunters players informed, such was the ferocity of the Beggars assault. In the field the Beggars had their foot on the Hunters throat throughout the first three partnerships which "amassed" 14, 13, and 14 respectively. A relaxed air thus prevailed in the final partnership as the beggars cunningly allowed the Hunters to eek out 36 more runs for the sake of having something of a target asvpractice for stiffer challenges to come (though not, as Campbell notes, those stiff challenges coming in the toilet). The effect was rather like a cat toying with a doomed mouse. Though the Beggars' chase started at a somewhat leisurely pace as Dr. Tim Jeffries seemed lost in star studded company, a magnificent hand by the Captain Kevin List and a nice Comedian/straight man act from Williams and Metherell saw the Beggars ahead before the final Gregory/Cameron axis inflicted a brutal and entirely gratuitous coup de gras with a nonchalant 44 run effort, leaving the Beggars to celebrate a perfect 10 point win and forlorn Boundary Hunters to shuffle their way to the protest room with their trousers around their ankles.

Man of the match for the second week running was the hugely committed Jason Te Kare who, at the expense of his marriage, helicoptered to the stadium directly from a secluded private Auckland clinic where he it is believed he had his pectoral implants removed less than an hour before the game began. Such commitment, matched in a peerless fielding display, has seasoned observers noticing that he is just a close shave away from some of the greatest mustaches in the history of New Zealand cricket.

Metherell expresses bemusement at List "Heartache"

Gossip magazine roundup

Leading all the world's gossip titles this week is reaction to Kevin List's much publicised heartache. Fellow Brooklyn Beggar and unavailable heart-throb Stephen Metherell, seemed unable to comprehend what all the fuss was about: "I don't know what all the fuss is about" he said, "I know it's been a long time between games but it's hardly like one of the team has given up or that he's been dumped from the beggars or anything truely sad like that". The hansome and deeply caring Metherell went on "I know Sam defected to the rebel English league, and we all groped about despparately to come to terms with that, but the team's given Kev enough ups and downs since then to keep any red-shirted man happy. Kev really has to learn to satisfy himself and to appreciate the weekly ins and outs of manly sport, with that in your life there shouldn't be any room for heartache.

Williams offers random, unmitigated, effusive praise to List

Late Tuesday afternoon, too late for the 6pm news, but early enough for the morning papers, star Brooklyn Beggars batsman/bowler/keeper Josh Williams broke a long period of media silence by issuing an unmitigated outburst eulogising the skipperage of Beggars captain Kevin List.

"Make no mistake, Kevin is god-like, a total genius", Williams effused. "His strategic thinking has a complete stranglehold over the fifth dimension. He's single-handedly keeping the competition alive. By holding back on paying the registration fee he's showing incredible restraint. We would get 25 bonus points which would put us in a commanding lead of the fifth dimension after only two games. Such a move would hopelessly demoralise all-comers and hopeful teams who dream of having the sort of class and talent Kev has at his disposal, and would make our weekly wanton dispatching of wannabee teams all the less pleasurable. In a nutshell, Kev has managed through his astute, shrewd and perspicacious captaincy to maintain a perfect balance between fun and results."

When questioned on the motivation for his fulsome outpouring an obviously emotional Williams said "pure respect mate. There isn't a beggar alive who wouldn't self-immolate without a moment's hesitation on Kev's say so." Williams refused to be drawn on questions of whether his testimony was genuine or if he was simply trying to cheer Kevin up following a miserable phone call from a despondent List which articulated unprecedented heartbreak, domestic issues and financial woe.

Beggars Pen Portraits

With the new season kicking off tonight Richard Boock profiles the worlds' most popular Indoor Cricket Team. Included here for the first are their outrageous nicknames so you can really get to know these stars of the astro-turf.

Kevin "Kev" List (Captain)
Leads by Osmosis, List's over idulgence in tea and Cronation Sreet inspired onanistic fantasies appears drive him on in the field, though his batting has been in decline ever since Bet Lynch left the Rovers' Return.

Russell "Russ" Hewitt
The Kaumatua of the team, recent carbon dating lends credence to the theory that Hewitt was the minor Biblical figure fielding at short cover at the very birth of the game: "Peter stood up to the eleven and was bowled" (Acts 2 13-15). Officially the third sexiest Beggar.

Andrew "Andy" Cameron
The missing link. Neither lothario of his own wet dream nor stable family man, Cameron's recent highly publicised date seemed a belated flowering after his tormented singularity. Rumours that the date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre are too scurrelous for any reputable organ to repeat. Therefore we can exclusively reveal that Andy's hot date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre.

Stephen "Stephen" Metherell
Possessor of a classical action Metherell's pace is enhanced by the ebb and flow of carefully layered folds of subcutaneous fat adding weight behind the ball.

Justin "Justin" Gregory
Playing under the pseudonym "Justin Gregory" since his millenial conversion to fundamentalist Islam, the silver tongued thespian lives on a diet conquests of improbably young (or is that old?) maidens. Proof of the theory that the male sex drive is essentially the desire to share an anecdote over a beer.

Michael "Mike" Hollings
Known to ditch the team, and even cut his hair, for his latest Delilah, Hollings remains an enigma to his team-mates due to his effette habit of avoiding beer soaked after match post-mortems in favour of a quick ride (on his Vespa... as he calls her).

Jason "Jason" Te Kare
Despite all posing and pretences of extra ordinary manliness among the less self assured team members, it is the mild mannered Te Kare who owns the title "most fecund Beggar" with three children so far acknowledged.

Joshua "Josh" Williams
Renaissance man William's wristy left handed guitar and batting hint at other extra-curricular activities. Permanently addled by equal and mutually agravating doses of alcohol and love sickness.

Metherell Answers Corruption Allegations

07/08/2007 - Thorndon

Stephen Metherell today broke off from his exhausting training schedule to deny waning semi-lothario Josh Williams' allegations that he rigged the voting in a crucial early season Brooklyn Beggars poll.

Reading from a prepared statement, Metherell said "I welcome any investigations into the source of my support.which will reveal only that my fan-base is truly international and and transgender." However Metherell was in agreement with one of Williams' allegations: "if Williams want's to get to the bottom of his pathetic showing in the poll he will indeed find the answer if he looks in my bathroom mirror." When asked what Williams might be doing in his bathroom he snapped "look mate, team bonding sessions remain private, you've overstepped the mark, that's it, I've no further comment to make.

Pass this on to Josh Mate

From: Alan Donald [mailto: white.lightning@ecb.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, 7 August 2007 04 :48 a.m.
To: Stephen Metherell
Subject: Pass this on to Josh Mate

Hi mate, how's it's going? How's Lisa doing? The big day must be getting close! Saw your stats for the last outdoor season, what a terrible comment on the pitches and standard of umpiring!

Anyway, Kev's probably told you I'm consulting for you guys this season so I thought I'd get cracking... just had a look at the footage of Josh's bowling on the site, unbelievably shocking mate! Tell him there's nothing much there a double amputation wont fix! Nah just kidding. First thing, though, tell him from me to work on a follow through. that little pirouette thing makes him look even more like a poof!

I'll start working on the rest of the team soon, of course I'll only be repeating everything you taught me back in the day!

Anyway, I better get back to it. Early start today. I'm going over with what the significance of the flat brown bit of the field with Harmy (sheesh!).

Cheers
Alan

Metherell resets Internet "Cookies"

Josh Williams today heightened tensions in the Beggars ranks by suggesting that Stephen Metherell must be resetting his cache or deleting internet "cookies" in order to cheat the poll on the Brooklyn Beggars website.

When asked if he had any evidence of such tampering Mr Williams replied "IP addresses are being recorded however all the evidence you need is in Stephen Metherell's bathroom mirror"

http://brooklynbeggars.blogspot.com

Beggars Promoted to the Fifth Dimension

News Briefs

After their stunning early season form, World Indoor Sports (WIS) have announced that the Brooklyn Beggars have been promoted to a new cricket league simply known as the "fifth dimension" created solely to cater for teams of such rareified talent. The Beggars will not expect to get any easy rides in the new league with old players The John Rowles Experience looking to match their pulling power.

Beggars captain, Kevin List, said that the promotion was just deserts for the hard work the team had put in during the off season. "Even Andy (Cameron) went on a date so obviously all the spade work is paying off in... erm... spades" he added somewhat prosaically. A WIS insider, commenting on the condition that his identity and cause of his terminal psoriasis not be revealed, said that other teams were "simply too embarrasssed to perform in an enclosed space with such stunningly dressed and striklingly hansome men, I call it performance anxiety and I know the feeling well". "Really", he went on "we had to find adequate competition for them or risk losing their stunning pulling power and unsettling homoerotic allure forever, so when the John Rowles Experience entered a team our new league of stars was born."

The Beggars will expect to be favourites when the TAB open betting on the new league opens.

External link: Fifth Dimension Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=800&place=41

Beggars Dating Antics Beggars Belief

New Weekly - Online Special

24 July, 06.25 EST

In a shocking departure from team convention, serial Wellington
dating-machine Kevin 'scooper dooper' List was caught on camera earlier
this week ogling newly matched team mate Andy Cameron and his unknown
mystery partner, even while taking a second unknown mystery woman to the
movies!

NW can reveal that Cameron looked stunning in a striped Gautier shirt,
and certainly seemed to be enjoying the highly-artistic and moving
foreign film, whilst List seemed ill-at-ease with the large and unsubtle
subtitles at an upmarket Wellington cinema.

NW insiders understand that List's antics have long been a cause of
tension within the camp, and may well be behind Cameron's sudden
decision to make himself unavailable for this week's pre-season warm up.

Other theories for Cameron's absence have been attributed to Great Uncle
Bulgaria's recent heart attack on Wimbledon Common, or even to an attack
of killer termites on his family farm.

ENDS

Beggars win championship - 3 July 2017

The Brooklyn Beggars celebrated their 10th anniversary this week in perfect style, taking out Division 1 back where it all began, in Newtown Wellngton. The normally private Beggars agreed to pose for a single photograph, which aptly illustrated the scientific curiosity the Beggars have become, their routine of one hour's exercise followed by 1-2 stubbies of Heineken once a week appearing to have completely halted the aging process.

Government $10 bid to keep Brooklyn Beggars afloat

By Jonathon Millmow in Brooklyn - Fairfax Media | Friday, 6 July 2007
They failed to win the Wellington Indoor Sports World Cricket Championship but the Brooklyn Beggars' future now looks assured.

The New Zealand government announced in the wake of last night's crushing 127-82 semi final loss to the Fossils in Newtown it will bankroll another tilt at brining the the title home.

Economic development minister Trevor Mallard said the government would provide each player's $10 fee per game and the registration the ball rolling in the coming months.

Beggars boss Kevin List said it was a great gesture and he would be back at the helm of the team.
"I have put my name forward and said I will run another challenge," he said.
"[The government's contribution] is an amazing step and I know we have huge support from the prime minister, Michael Cullen and the cabinet," said List.

"The Government's support has been sensational and without them we would not have had the time or the facilities to run our successful press campaign, let alone the funds for our after match beers." List added that he understands that the Government will ask that all members of the team aside from himself make token appearances at Government Agencies around Wellington in return for the funding and press facilities.

List said he was gutted after last night's loss.
"We are incredibly disappointed," It feels like our heart has been dug out with a spoon and I don't think that will change in the short term. But the Fossils were better. That's all that matters it's been a long three months. But of course I'm enormously proud.

"We enjoyed winning the fashion awards but we always knew it was only a step along the road to the ultimate prize.
"We didn't come here to just take part. We came here to win it. We haven't done that, so we're just going to have to re-group and have a look at what the future holds.

"We've been focused on the now. We'll need a bit of time to look at what happens next."
Mr Mallard said losing the was "a real bugger" but there had been "tremendous publicity" for Brooklyn, and the team returns much of the tax payer's money over the bar "so the net cost is actually very, very little".

Mallard denied that funding was linked to Beggars star Stephen Metherell's recent ejection from Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand party. Rumours were fueled when Mallard was overheard describing Copeland's Incontinence and Supply agreement with the Government as "worth keeping for when someone forgets to change the bogroll".

Copeland too denied the link, saying that the former pin-up boy of Family Friendly politics was ejected from his party because of the Beggar's "inappropriate attire." "The way that tight red number showed off his jiggly little man-boobs was an entirely inappropriate image for a family party." Copeland added that he couldn't erase the image from his mind and was considering taking time out of "the limelight" in order to rebuild his marriage.
-with NZPA

Cameron Mk2 to debut for Beggars

The will-he won't-he sage of retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has been finally bought to a close this afternoon after Andy revealed that he will not be making a come-back for the team in their crucial match-up against the Fossils at WIS Stadium this Thursday.

Cameron moved to dampen speculation he would re-join the team after rumours were swirling all week following exclusive pictures of a man who looked like Cameron practising on the hallowed turf of the Basin Reserve. However, in a stunning turn around, Cameron has revealed that his identical twin brother, Andre, will make his first team debut.

Andre, who recently returned to New Zealand after some years living and playing pygmy ice hockey in Kazakhstan, has no known international cricket experience, but reporters at the press conference this afternoon heard him mutter 'high five!' and 'rakhmet!' many times in a strong accent.

Andy, who for some reason did all the talking, stated that Andre is a slow right-arm off-spin bowler and hard-hitting lower order batsman who has been known to indulge pre-match. In what exactly, was not stated. However Andy did state that 'as he is my younger brother, by 27 and a half minutes, you can expect him to be fitter and more brutal with both bat and ball."

With the weakened Beggars staring defeat in the face against a strong line up of overtly weathered Fossils after the loss of Roose and Te Kare, it is expected that any slow bowler will be useful in a team dominated by military medium to outright slow medium pacers.

The game will be televised on Prime, in the absence of their gaining the rights to any more lucrative sports.


ENDS

Muesli Allegations Threaten Career

Dominion Post, 2 July 2007
Exclusive

Stephen Metherell's Indoor Cricket and political career hang by a thread today after it was revealed that he was at home making muesli less than an hour before the Brooklyn Beggars allrounder's farcical performance against That Team last Thursday. The Beggars operate a strict pre match drinking policy but while Metherell's performances were leading them to the semi-finals his monogamy and relative sobriety was overlooked by management. However, after a well documented match-losing performance against That Team on Thursday, Metherell's wonton wholesomeness is coming under scrutiny and his place palce in the team is in doubt. Beggars sponsor have long been agitating for Metherell's removal from the team on the grounds that his public persona is not in keeping with their product and are expected to contact Beggars selectors on the matter this week. When confronted by management with the allegations Metherell is understood to have claimed to have consumed one bottle of Mac's Light (a one percent brew) in the hours before the match and thus to have been adhering to team policy. Beggars sources report that this has further enraged sponsors and officialdom alike.

In a further twist, Gordon Copeland, the leader of Future New Zealand, for whom Metherell is number 121 on the party list is understood to be enraged and considering sacking him from the party. "I've spoken to my caucus" said Copeland after muttering to himself "and we just cannot tolerate this kind of publicity for a member of my... I mean our party. As a member of a family friendly bloc like ourselves Stephen should have been supervising his wife's household duties from the safety of the lounge while conserving his energies for the arduous task of hitting his [as yet unborn] child with love". When confronted with the news that Metherell is not, in fact, yet married to his "wife" Copeland replied "how can she be pregnant then?" and muttered something about "unnatural practices of Green party members" infiltrating society.

Official announcements concerning Metherell's political and cricket career are expected from Beggars captain Kevin List soon.

Cameron silent on 'comeback' rumours...

adio New Zealand news market update at midday

Retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has refused to speak to media assembled outside his highly secret Wellington workplace this morning after late evening rumours surfaced that he was considering a short-lived comeback to help the struggling Beggars in their upcoming sudden-death semi-final against the slow-burning Fossils.

Cameron, who retired earlier this year following injury, has consistently denied he was considering a come-back, however this mornings sudden silence is adding fuel to the currency fire, with analysts at Deutsche Bank predicting a sharp drop in the value of the Kiwi dollar if his silence continues. Head analyst Ulf Schoefishe noted that the kiwi's recent gains against the greenback were partly due to speculation around Cameron's future plans, but with no certainty in the market, "there is a chance a sustained slide could ensue if Cameron does not make his future plans clear."

I'm Catriona McLeod for Radio New Zealand news.

News Briefs: Metherell Undergoes Brain Scan & Cognitive Testing

Stephen Metherell was today rushed to an exclusive celebrity sick bay after complaining of nausea when recalling his last match for the Brooklyn Beggars. Metherell stoicly withstood a blow which would have reduced 7 of his team mates to girly tears when he bravely headed an atypically well struck Josh Williams shot to prevent it describing a parabolic arc into a That Team player's waiting hands. Sources in the sick bay say the scans and testing revealed Metherell has organic brain damage causing Tourette's syndrome and "a tendency fart in public and make comments innappropriate to the social context" but that "these conditions were almost certainly pre-existing and, if anything, a decent blow to the head might shut him up". Asked if there was evidence of such a blow the source replied "oh no, the ball would have had to have been hit by a cricketer".

Youtube clamps down on Metherall Impact Footage - Cricinfo Briefs

Mere hours after new footage emerged on the popular video sharing website Youtube of the sickening impact of an indoor cricket ball onto the ear of Stephen Metherell during last week's Brooklyn Beggars clash, it has been removed. Ozzie Ozmeister, claimed a copyright infringement on behalf of his company, Psoriasis Entertainment, which owns the television rights to Wellington Indoor Sports Cricket. This sets an unusual precedent, as it is understood that the amateur footage was not part of the official broadcast.

Meanwhile, WIS management have apparently issued Josh Williams a new bat weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces to try and limit the sheer power of his strokeplay, following the shot which Mr Metherell was, according to his reconstructive surgeon, "very, very lucky to survive".

Mr Williams' was reported to be "very shaken" by the incident and has not spoken about it publicly until now, and exclusively to Cricinfo. "It was like it was slow motion - i remember seeing the parabolic arc of his spectacles, hearing the high-pitched squealing, and watching him drop like a sack of spuds. My Gower-esque timing is pretty well-documented, and I knew I'd gotten all of it [the shot], and so I feared the worst."

Finally, more information about the horrific incident has come to light following the release of the black box recording from the ball. It was travelling 182kph when it made contact with Mr Metherell's head, 0.11 seconds after leaving Mr Williams' blade. It is understood that that while some of the shock of the impact was absorbed by the flex in the arm of Mr Metherell's spectacles, the ball registered an impact of 17g.

An announcement concerning Mr Metherell's selection is expected to be made later in the week, Beggars management are understood to be looking closely at both his form and fitness.

Beggars Capitulate Again

28 June 2007 Richard Boock

WIS Stadium Newtown

It was difficult to know whether the 95-84 loss to That Team was a new Nadir
for the Beggars, or just a continuation of the last one, but this team has
either seriously lost its mojo or their pre semi-final bluff has taken in
even themselves. A surge of betting against the Beggars in Delhi and Karachi
shortly before the final partnership allied with an unknown umpire making
crucial "mistakes" must be noted too.

The bald facts however are rather easier to understand: the last partnership
between the dashing and hitherto reliable Stephen Metherell and his slavish
and lesser imitator Josh Williams, required a mere 15 for victory and failed.
That it was Metherell, the very lungs of the team, at fault has left this
correspondent bemused, bereft, and questioning his love of the game.

What shaped up as an interesting tussle when the Thats' first partnership
yielded 36 runs quickly swung the Beggars way when the ever reliable Russ
Hewitt, reborn as a pace bowler very much in the Gary Robertson mould, bowled
a stunning negative 12 over followed by a negative seven effort from Josh "I
only need a couple of Syrrah to Warm-up" Williams. The latter conjured up
Gary Troup's glory day of New Zealand left arm seam (rather more than Murphy
Su'a). Though this partnership recovered to registered a laborious 1 and
though the remaining That batsmen batted well, tight fielding and bowling
kept the score under a hundred and the odds in Karachi well in the Beggars'
favour

The run chase began well with the ever under-appreciated Gregory top scoring
once more in a solid partnership of 32 with the reliable Te Kare. Following
this was 20 runs from kevin List and Russell Hewitt. "Captain Kev" List's
comic antics, running between the wickets like a mincing blind man groping
and sniffing his way to stinking long drop, distracted selfishly from a calm
and authoritative innings from man of the match Hewitt. New boy Tim Jeffries
and the departing Sam Roose added a composed 29 and at 81 with 15 needed the
Beggars seemed home.

But it was not to be. The first two overs yielded precisely nothing and a
visibly distressed Metherell reminded some observers of the descent of Kim
Huges and Jeff Crowe into cricketing idiocy. All the well judged calm of
Williams was undermined as his partner flayed incoherantly and unluckely,
seemingly safe conservative shots landing miraculously in fielders hands, and
a nicely judged single adjudged out by the hitherto (and hopefully
henceforth) unheralded umpire Hanse Cronje.

And so it came to the last two overs and still 15 required. As a surprisingly
calm recovery was mounted, the pathos grew as the out of sorts Metherell
bravely (if illegally) intercepted a Williams cannon ball with his head to
prevent it being caught, leaving a bruised ear to match his ego and
reputation. As tension rose in the last over a devastated Metherell thought
his coservative dink into the side nets had leveled the score with two balls
remaining only to see the ball somehow contriving to land in the groping
fielders hand. A flailing Williams could only add a single leaving 7 required
from the last ball. Proving his ticker had not failed with his technique,
Metherell charged the bowler and made a strong connection. For a brief but
beautiful moment it appeared he had defied the gods, the fates, and Satan
himself. But it was not a night for poetry. The ball sailed wide and a
heartbroken and shattered Metherell surveyed a glorious career in tatters. In
the confusion there was a meaningless runout but it was hardly noticed as a
broken man departed the stage.

ENDS

Beggars clash likely 'beer fest'

Peter Fitzsimmons - Sunday Star Times

This weeks indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars and That Team will almost certainly not be a hard fought game. Much like when I was on Ridgie's team during the first couple of seasons of Game Of Two Halves - a team incapable of propping up Ridgie's inferior knowledge of sport without the ridiculously knowledgable (and downright nerdy) Martin Devlin.

Anyway enough talking about myself. Three scenarios can realistically result from tomorrow nights clash.

Scenario 1 being the Brooklyn Beggars drink heavily before the clash, resulting in yet another inebriable performance from Josh Williams behind the stumps, and with the ball, in fact all tasks that don't require running - there I go getting distracted again - and the Beggars win in a cakewalk.

Scenario 2 being that Brooklyn turn the opposition on a little too much in their dashing new strip, and their short single running legs turn to jelly - the Beggars win in a cakewalk and drink afterwards.

Scenario 3 being that Brooklyn drink copiously before, during, and after the game resulting in complete and utter disorientation, the main result of which will be a very hard fought game against the shapely and pert Net-B-Allstars on the neighbouring sports arena. Provided in this case the Beggars remember to bring their newly acquired attire of fire and don't retire their desire, the Beggars will still be the winners on the day. The only potential problem with this scenario is that the Beggars may become Grovellers in the company of the luscious and long-legged Allstars.

Regardless of the final outcome, and its relevance to cricket or for that matter any of the inane drivel contained in my babbling preview, tomorrow is sure to be a thoroughly enjoyable night-out enjoyed by all but the designated driver and the media correspondent, both coincidentally bearing the name A.J. Cameron.

PETER FITZSIMMONS IS SOME AUSSIE BOOFHEAD WHO PLEADED TO OUR PAPER FOR A JOB. HE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS AND NOT REALLY FAMOUS ENOUGH, BUT WE FIGURED THAT DIDN'T MATTER FOR A POST WHICH IGNORES THE ABILITY TO TALK. WE WERE WRONG.... SORRY - Ed.

Beggars clash likely 'yawn-fest'

27 June - NZPA

This week's feature indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars
and That Team won't incur much media interest if last night's media pack
at the back bar of the Southern Cross is anything to go by.

Noted cricket commentator Steven Bock was up-front in admitting his
preference for late nights with boats instead when he stated, "to be
frank, both teams are already in the finals, and with key players
missing, this one's likely to be a low-rent cheap-hack non-thriller of
the sort Merv Hughes' moustache would be involved in."

"I for one would rather stick pins in my eyes and watch millionaire's
race carbon fibre across the waves than even bother to catch this game.
I mean, with the retirement of the Beggars class all-rounder Cameron,
the sickening loss of batting form of Williams and now the demotion of
Hollings for breaking team rules by not drinking before the last 'game',
there really won't be much point in staying awake."

At the same time, that heroically parochial Wellington cricket expert,
J. Millmow, fears there will be no contest at all. "Look, without me
there on the sidelines to put together a great write-up of the game, I
think any media who turn up will only get to witness a yawn-fest of epic
proportions, so I'm predicting no media will be there at all, including
that expert cameraman, A J C III."

"Add to this the choice of prolific 'spinner' Sam Roose to choose county
over country, and all in all, no one is really looking forward to seeing
the all-new red-branded Beggars hit the sidewalks at WIS, especially
with their propensity to beg for batting implements from the
opposition."

So no matter what the outcome of this game, it is likely that the
Beggars will face the highly-rated, deeply-calcified Fossils in their
semi-final next week, a game that most pundits are picking will be close
in age if not in score.

ENDS

Beggars management in crisis meeting

It is understood that Brooklyn Beggars managemnt are in a crisis
meeting after it was revealed captain Kevin List sent an email assuring
his poor unsuspecting players that they were supposed to be playing
Thursday at 7pm. As it turns out the start time is actually Thursday at
8pm. It appears a sad attempt at writing a fake press release is behind
the monumental c*** -up.

Hollings Dumped from Beggars

In a controversial but necessary move the talented but notorious
playboy among playboys Michael Hollings has been dumped from the
Brooklyn Beggars in their last match before the semi-finals. It is
understood by NZPA that with many of the Beggars team having
switched to a strict version of 'Wahhabi Christian Fundamentalism'
Hollings off-field antics were leading to on field tensions.

The final straw seems to have come when Beggars captain Kevin
'make mine a mineral water' List accompanied Hollings out on the
weekend in an effort to curb his excesses. Sadly not only was the
925pm curfew and prayer session neglected but there were instances
of Mr Hollings trying to dance 'like a squid' and piggy backing
intoxicated Americans.

Hollings place will be taken this week by Dr Timothy Jefferies. While it
is obvious the team will suffer from losing their talented opening
batsmen on the plus side as hard hitting batsmen Stephen Metherell
(also number 62 on Gordon Copeland's Future NZ party's list) says
"What is it for a man to win on the astro-turf of the Wellington Indoor
Sports centre and lose his eternal soul in the process."

Dr Jefferies is an erratic cricketer but more importantly a hard working
family man with a lovely wife (Mrs Tim).

The pre semi final game is at 7pm this Thrusday on the hallowed
astroturf of the WIS - no other changes are expected to be made
unless a Salem type moral witch hunt is more successful - anonymous
allegations regarding instances of moral turpitude can be sent to this
email address.

Clash of the Dark Horses: National Bank Cricket Company

Mark Richardson talks to Simon Doull about this Thursday's crucial clash between the solid yet stolid That Team, and the fairytale debutants, the story of the season so far, the Brooklyn Beggars.

MR: Well it's going to be a big one. This Thursday's match between Brooklyn Beggars and That Team looks set up to be a truly mammoth affair that may well reveal how the rest of the season is going to play out. On one hand the pressure is off: both teams are safely ensconced in the semis, but this crucial match up will bestow huge psychological advantage and bragging rights for the winner. I spoke to Simon Doull and asked him what he thought about the big game, and his own international career. Simon, what do you reckon mate?

SD: gidday Mark, well yeah I think at this stage you really have to give the edge to the Beggars. I know their batting's been a bit scratchy of late, but they have already notched up one victory against That Team earlier in the season, and have got one more win in the competition overall. Both teams have had a mid-season slump, and the Beggars are 128 runs behind That Team on aggregate, but remember they had that no-show last week when the Trousers ran away. So I think it's going to be a very close match, but lets face it, the Beggars have foregone 20 points on principle though their uniform bonus-point policy protest - if they'd towed the line on matching tee-shirts, Beggars'd be a clear third on the table.

MR: Simon how do you think the Beggars have managed to come so far in their first season together with no uniform points?

SD: Well look Mark I think the Beggars have been playing a very astute game here, and have been looking at the big picture. All nine of the squad have had moments of absolute brilliance so we know what they can do it but never really all of them strung it together on the same night. I think any opposition would have to look out if that happened. To be honest at other times they've been a bit ordinary - but if Stephen Metherell is to be believed, they've been deliberately holding back. If they all go off in the finals I think they are in with a chance of taking out the division in their rookie season, which would be an unbelievable achievement.

MR: Simon, in your mind, Who are some of the key players?

SD: Well, firstly all the bowlers have got to come to the party and bowl straight, they've let teams off with far too many wides in the last couple of games, probably a case of trying too much fancy stuff. I think Kevin List is a key man, leading from the front, and it's good to see he's been showing some sparkling form with the bat of late. For me the other key is the balding triumverate of Gregory, Metherell and Williams - they just bring a frightening energy to proceedings that a lot of oppositions find it very difficult to cope with.

MR: Finally Simon, what about your international career.

SD: Well Mark, when I first came along I had that kind of preppy schoolboy haircut and spindly-arm action, I didn't really frighten anybody, and I pretty much got dispatched to all parts. Then after I got dropped, I shaved my head, got my ear pierced and grew a mean goatee, and after that started getting a lot more movement through the air and generally giving more batsmen the willies as I ran in.

MR: Thank very much for that Simon

SD: cheers mate.


ENDS

Williams to endorse hair replacement product.

Mercurial and shiny wicketkeeper Josh Williams is to follow in the
footsteps of cricketers Martin Crowe, Shane Warne, Graham Gooch, and um,
Greg Matthews, by endorsing Advanced Hair replacemnt therapies.
"When I started in the game, I alwaysy wanted to emulate the exploits
of these great players, and Greg, too I guess," said Williams at a press
conference held earlier today. "And finally, I can, with the patented
Strand By Strand Technique (TM)."
It's understood that William decided to sign up with the company after
being shocked by watching footage of himself batting. But the move has
brought ridicule down upon him from teammates Justin Gregory and Stephen
Metherell, who labelled the treatments "self-mutilation for ageing, over
the hill lotharios who think they're rock stars".

ENDS

On His Majesty's Request

Captain Kevin List Bowls himself, and a super piece of fielding from Russ.

Williams "Flabbergasted" over Media Silence

APNZ 20 June 2007

Mercurial, charismatic, and physically striking wicketkeeper Josh Williams was reported to be "flabbergasted" today to have not received any media coverage about himself or the Brooklyn Beggars.

"There is so much to talk about" Williams said. "This default clearly sees us through to the semis and we are on the up and up. There was also the complete shock of our captain showing up thoroughly intoxicated, having apparently left the staid faction of the team and joined the playboys, and let's not even start with the launch of the new uniform, which scared House of Trousers out of their trousers and back to their warm living rooms."

Along with 8 shiny points for the default, a rare team photograph was taken of the starting eight, and Beggars Management are understood to be negotiating with a number of British Dailies for rights to the image.

ENDS

BREAKING NEWS – Beggars winter collection parade

Prime News – first with the news!
Following an announcement earlier today that the Brooklyn Beggars would be parading a new strip this evening, insiders at WIS have also let slip that a large media contingent has been sighted near the red carpet entrance to the WIS stadium. It has been reported that a media scum is breaking out as the Beggars players will apparently be ‘showing off their wares’ ala Dan Carter.
We will be endeavouring to confirm this rumour as soon as possible to bring it to you FIRST.
ENDS

Beggars Launch Winter Collection

E News Update, June 19 2007

I'm Ryan Seacrest. All eyes tonight are on Wellington New Zealand, where fashionistas are absolutely abuzz just hours prior to the exclusive launch of Brooklyn Beggars new team uniform. Anyone who is anyone who plays indoor cricket is waiting impatiently for the biggest fashion event of the year, kicking off at 9.20 pm at Wellington Indoor Sports centre.

Top designers Karl Lagerfeld, Jean Paul Gaultier and Pierre Cardin all landed their private jets at Wellington during the afternoon, but only Gaultier was prepared to talk to our camera "I would not miss zis. Ze artform of ze tee-shirt is to be forever transformed. Zese Beggars 'ave such power and grace, whatever colour and cut ze shirts turn out to be vill change ze vorld of sportsvear, not to menshion being worth two poinz a veek!"

Former Supermodel and host of America's Next Top Model Tyra Banks had this to say: "How dare you, You don't know me, you don't know where I've come from, or what I've been through, or where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there"

Wow.

News Briefs

Mercurial Brooklyn Beggars wicketkeeper Josh Williams has gone into
hiding after the publication of incriminating photographs in the weekend
papers.

The Sunday Star Times, the Herald on Sunday and NZ Truth all ran
photographs taken of Williams and a mystery man known only as "Ozzie",
talking privately and exchanging money at the WIS stadium last week.
Williams was seen leaving shortly afterwards and has been unavailable
for comment since the publication of the damning photographs on Sunday.
Reporters outside William's home say the troubled player emerged briefly
in the morning to be sped away by a second mystery man with a plaster
cast on his left arm, which was waved threateningly at the assembled
media. Williams reportedly muttered something about trying to purchase
second hand cricket gear as he was whisked away. although this has been
denied by his lawyers. Police have declined to confirm that the player
is under suspicion of being a part of the lucrative illegal trade in
equipment that is known to be operated from the WIS stadium. Friends of
the troubled and fading sports star say they hope the incident won't
drive him back into his previous alcohol abuse problems, but
commentators hold out little hope.

Videos of the Week!

Falcon Hawk Dude caught Metherell bowled Williams on our way to an horrific and unnecessary defeat.



Justin Gregory capitulates with the bat!

Gregory-Metherell dispute dismissed as a "distracting side-show"

Justin Gregory, the quietly-cool over-achiever of the Brooklyn Beggars
Indoor Cricket Team, has struck back at team mate Stephen Metherell's in
an escalating war of words.
In a leaked private email, Gregory had made disparaging but
substantially true allegations about team-mates Metherell and Josh
Williams, labelling them "show ponies", "inconsistent" and "fat", and
calling on the other players to be above such things.
Metherell cried foul in an interview immediately afterwards, saying
the comments were "unprofessional" and "beneath the journalistic
profession".
"Of course I'm beneath the journalistic profession", said Gregory,
casually lighting a Sobranie with a silver cigarette lighter, "They're
on the 3rd floor, I work on the 2nd.

ENDS.

Metherell News Briefs

Stephen Metherell has dimissed recent disparaging comments from his Brookly
Beggars team mate Justin Gregory as "unprofessional" and "beneath the
journalistic profession". "We talk to each other through the media" he
explained "not via some unstructured personal email, are we professional
sportsmen and tabloid fodder or not?" Gregory is expected to take weeks to
reply.

Justin Gregory Writes

Jase, Kev, our ever predictable teammates haven't let us down in the
press release department - unlike the way they let us down in the
bolwing/batting/fielding departments last night. I was predicting last
night that a Williams press release blowing his own trumpet would be out
today and that at some point soon, someone would blame the media for our
dismal form. It's eventually always our fault. And Josh managed to do
both in the same article. "Astonishing performance"? What was
astonishing was the contrast between his bowling and batting
performances. Stephen Metherell, the "moral compass" of the team? Isn't
he having a child out of wedlock? And doesn't he more closely resemble a
pendulum rather than a compass?
I say let's continue to follow in the footsteps of our guiding light,
Russell, and be amongst the quiet acheivers of the team, rather than one
of these inconsistent show ponies.

Beggars left 'begging for mercy' in WIS rout

J. Millmow - The Dom Post.



Team moot handed the Brooklyn Beggars a cricketing lesson last night, in their comprehensive mauling of the red and blacks from up the hill.

Many of the team played like they were in fact over the hill, with the 119 - 70 loss the biggest of the Beggars on-again, off-again season. The result gave lie to the single win the Mooters have achieved this season as they out-classed their opponents in all aspects of this game.

There were a however some bright spots amid the gloom, with Josh 'wish I really was a lothario' Williams taking the Beggars' first ever hat trick - a stunning turn around for the man who earlier in the evening had consigned the Beggars to a miserly total with some outrageously uncalculated batting.

The hat trick consisted of three rather well-judged catches, and was close to being a double, with Russel Hewitt valiantly missing what would have been a stunning one-handed take in the long grassed outfield.

The cracking return to form of team weathervane Kevin List salvaged the team after a rare first partnership failure, but it was the idiocy and thoughtlessness of Williams and batting partner Metherell who consigned the Beggars to disgrace. After the first ten overs saw the Beggars reach 71, a par 110 score looked on the cards. But some crazed lofting of the yellow ball saw the team score an implosive -1 in their final six overs to finish with s sub-standard 70, which was never going to be enough, even against the lawyers from downtown.

Sadly for the Beggars, a large media contingent had turned up to watch them play, and the film footage of Jason Tekare and Justin Gregory will certainly go down in history. Next week sees a welcome return to Thursday night cricket, and it is to be hoped team mascot L. Munnelly will be back on the sidelines to inspire her team of wayward vagabonds.

ENDS

Williams "takes little comfort" from astonishing performance.

Josh Williams marked his return to sobriety with a rare hatrick as the lone high point in a disappointing loss for the Brooklyn Beggars last night. While there were the obligatory high-fives all round, the usually flamboyant Williams was clearly philosophical, and relatively subdued in his celebrations.

"It's very satisfying of course, but I take no pleasure in seeing my team lose. Despite the tissue of lies spread by some media outlets and some unthinking statements from some of my heavier team-mates, it has always and ever only been about the team - after all my hatrick wickets were all catches."

Captain Kevin List said "obviously we are inspired that Josh has returned to his brilliant best and I'm sure he will inspire some others to reach their former heights going into the semis."

Some writers are giving credence to comments by Stephen Metherell that it should be obvious to any idiot that Beggars are still keeping a few cards up their sleeves.

Beggars remain 4th on the table despite their weekly two-point style deduction , are the first team to crack 1000 runs in the series and still have more wins than 7 other teams. Some crucial clashes overnight could shake things up significantly as the sharp end of the competition approaches.

Banner seen at WIS stadium:

"Andy, I think I'm pregnant, text me".

Metherell Slams Cameron: "Disloyal and Deceitful"

Brooklyn Beggars' Moral Compass, Stephen Metherell, today labeled fallen hero
Andy Cameron a "disloyal and deceitful little show pony" after Cameron went
public to scotch "rumours" of a comeback from injury forced retirement. "He
just can't stand being out of the limelight, let alone watch the likes of
myself better his performances" Metherell said. Then, in a revelation
guaranteed to create turmoil in the normally genteel world of indoor cricket
Metherell alleged that Cameron started the comeback rumours himself. "I have
the evidence right here, Metherell said with his right hand on a the Koran,
he texted a busty slapper that he was just "on holiday for a few days" and
"And [he] may well be back in black next week - even with a cast. It seems
this team needs some backbone!" Metherell then expounded at length on the
rest of the text which contained the cryptic line "so lets see if my hose
fits your nozzle"

With this evidence, Metherell alleges that Cameron has in fact faked his
injury in order to gain more time to indulge his text-sex addiction. "It's
typical of this bloody team" Metherell went on "can't score for real". "I
wouldn't mind so much cos you gotta get it somehow" he said "but to exploit
the differences in an otherwise pure and innocent team in order to hide your
dirty digital dalliances is lower the Kev's (Beggars captain Kevin List)
score last week" (-15).

The situation reminds this scribe of Chris Cairns leaving 1995 Beggars tour
of the West Indies citing injury only to turn out for Nottinghamshire a few
days later.

Cameron was unavailable for comment, co-workers telling this reporter he was
"too busy playing with his phone".

Cameron dismisses "ill-informed" rumours

NZPA: Wednesday 13 June 2007, 3.51pm

In a sweeping statement made earlier this afternoon, ex-Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron dismissed rumours that he will be returning from retirement to help the mid-table Beggars team overcome their recent form slump.

"I know many people have been making bets on whether or not I will be rescinding my pledge of retirement from Wellington indoor cricket," Cameron said, "but I know in my heart that the hunger is not there anymore. These rumours are just the ill-informed mutterings of a small crowd who don't know how much my retirement hurts."

The all-rounder unexpectedly retired two weeks ago after tragically breaking his wrist in a 'social' football match in Wellington and the huge hole his departure left has been in evidence in both the team outings since then. The Beggars however will be looking to consolidate their semi-final spot this evening with a win over stragglers Team Moot, who have only won one game all season.

"While I am disappointed that I can't help the Beggars' on their current lurch to the finals, I can only wish them well for the rest of the season," stated a resigned Cameron. "I can only hope that the lessons of last week will have been learned by the rest of my fantastic team."

Other team members were not available for comment on the rumours; however NZPA understands Cameron has not been attending games since his retirement out of respect for Captain Kevin List, who has been working hard to hold together an increasingly fractious team in recent weeks.

ENDS

Metherell Hits Back at Cairns “slur”

Model, role model, and modest family man, Stephen Metherell, has labeled as comparisons of his batting to Lance Cairns by Brooklyn Beggars Captain Kevin List as "a vicious slur". Speaking from the offices of SPUC, his management company, Metherell expressed sympathy for List's current mental turmoil but said he felt he "had to get a response on the record". "I know Kev's working through a obsessive-compulsive-onanism induced mental breakdown, and we've all been there so we think we can sympathise" he said to a nodding audience "but slurring a man's most precious possession, his batting technique, is simply beyond the pale in any circumstance". Shouting at the assembled reporters the newly appointed president of the Positive Parenting League went on "the correct analogy was with Nathan Astle's 222" referring to Astle's blitz on the English in Christchurch during the 2002 season. To the horror of his political colleagues, the number 42 on Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand list for the next election continued "that day Astle showed what a pitiful bunch the rest of his team were and that's what I did last night, there were no devil's in the pitch or in the bowling attack, even Josh [Williams] managed to overcome his multiple personal defects to play a supporting hand just like Chris Cairns did that day. Lance Cairns was a lucky slogger, Nath (Astle) and I played with controlled and cultured aggression".

ENDS

Beggars Captain Suffers Stress Related Mental Health Injury

Dashing Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List's indoor cricket career is in the balance following turning up late for work after the Beggars shock loss to the lowly and scruffy Falcon Hawk team.

List is currently believed to be seeing a psychotherapist after his concerned employers noticed him trying to stick his fingers in the coffee grinders socket.

NZPA reports that List made some half-arsed story up about buying toilet paper to explain his 9:34am start. Sources close to the Brooklyn Beggars captain believe the real reason for his lateness may be linked to a fit of depression that started late last evening and involved desultorily watching television till really quite late. Other reports suggest the snooze button was repeatedly hit on the once popular and successful captain's Nokia cell-phone in order or get an extra nine minutes sleep in and block out the horrific flashbacks to an innings which cost his team the game against deadbeats Falcon Hawk.

Sources close to the Beggars believe the rot may have set in earlier in the week with a nasty war of words involving List questioning the commitment of talented all-rounder Jason Te Kare. Last evening the fans of the Beggars would certainly not have questioned the commitment of Te Kare.

However it is also clear the team is split between the family orientated dependable unit of outstanding all-rounders Metherall, Te Kare, Hewitt and Roose and the flashy playboy antics of Williams, Gregory and Hollings.

That split was nowhere more evident last evening than a fresh out of re-hab Williams was busy dragging the normally dependable captain down to his level with a night of drinking that began before the actual game had even started.

The normally tee-total List was barely able to see the ball such was the amount of Amstel light in his system. Worse was to follow when flashy George Best like opening batsmen Michael Hollings explained his chasing the birds was more important than the team and promptly departed. It would seem for Hollings a bird in the hand is better than a lacquered tennis ball.

Exacerbating an already tense situation another flashy playboy was called in to cover Hollings. Indoor Cricket mercenary Malcolm Angel proved to be sadly misnamed. As well as bringing a trophy girlfriend ICWAG (Indoor Cricket Wife And Girlfriend) to the game Angel played like the Lord Lucifer – ie a fallen Angel.

The only good to come out of the game was a spirited Lance Cairns like effort late in the piece from dedicated family man and crowd pleasing big hitter Metherall.

The prognosis remains uncertain however whether List will recover from what has been called a 'stress related mental health injury'. But with appropriate treatment, and given his progress so far, there is no reason why he should not make a complete recovery.

It is hoped by friends and family that his days of fast busses and platonic friendships with a variety of women will be well behind him and he can once again show the sort of form that would often lead to dependable five run innings (in credit not debit).

ENDS

Te Kare goes to Tekarere to clear air.

In an unusual move the Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder, Jason Te Kare, has refused to talk to the mainstream media stating, "I will only speak to Maori Media from now on." Te Kare claims that the ongoing negative portrayal of Maori in the mainstream has forced him to take this stance. It seems the media have got to the normally quiet Te Kare, with the reports of his Captain saying, "Te Kare's sober antics in the sound studios of Radio New Zealand, led to a drop in morale."

In an exclusive interview with Te Karere, Te Kare hit back by saying, "That's all teko man. I'm never sober at work ao! That just goes to show, those mainstream media fullahs just take the truth and twist it on you eh? I know my Captain is a descent fullah, he's one of the bros, he'd never say those things about me. Metherell is by far the best Captain I've ever played for and I just refuse to believe he'd say that about me, even if I couldn't play because of mahi."

When Te Karere revealed to Te Kare that it was Kevin List who spoke to the media, Te Kare replied, "who?"

There is no Kevin in Team:

Star allrounder and drama producer Jason Te Kare has struck back at accusations by his captain Kevin List that his absence from Thursday's crucial match could cause the resurgent Brooklyn Beggars to lose.

"No one player can have that sort of an impact upon a result', said a clearly angry Te Kare outside the RNZ drama studio today, "Although I notice we won easily when Kevin was away. This game is too good to be spoilt. Maybe it's time some people got out of it".

Also angry was opening batsman Justin Gregory after being labelled a "wayward bowler" by his captain.

"I don't know what Kev's on about. At least I can see the other end of the pitch. List is more than half-blind, and I don't need to tell you what that's a result of."
The under-fire captain was contacted for comment, but hung up when asked if it was true that he was rubbish bowler and a chronic masturbator.

Blame This Week's Potential Loss on Te Kare: List

Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List has blamed talented all-rounder Jason Te Kare for upsetting team spirit and derailing the Beggars indoor cricket campaign NZPA reported today.

List said Te Kare's sober antics in the sound studios of Radio New Zealand, led to a drop in morale.

``We arrived at Wellington Indoor Sports centre in a positive frame of mind last week – that is unlikely to be repeated this week,'' the paper quoted List as saying.

``But unfortunately incidents happened which affected the team. You have to be honest Andy Cameron selfishly breaking his arm and now Jason Te Kare's commitment to quality budget NZ drama do affect morale.''

Cameron is now recovering from surgery and may be out of action most of the season.

List said he had been sending mostly abusive text messages to Cameron since the operation.

List said the players did not dare go out and enjoy themselves after Te Kare's work so excited were they by the possibility of audio drama on Radio NZ.

Out of order

Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List was branded ``despicable'' by talented batsmen but wayward bowler Justin Gregroy for going public with criticism of (Gregory's) fellow workmate Te Kare.

An angry Gregory , who watched Te Kare rise like a phoenix before imploding in a form fireball last week told reporters at WIS that it was List who had now damaged team spirit.

``I think it is completely out of order, I think it's despicable, I think it stinks against a guy who has given blood although not literally and possibly not even figuratively for the Beggars these past three or four weeks.''

`You don't blast it out across the airwaves or into newspapers, particularly if it's something like this. You help your mates, you don't shoot them down.''

Spiritual Advisers view

Spiritual adviser and recovering substance abuser Josh Williams tried to play down talk of a row by saying: ``I wasn't around at the time and I can only comment on what I see and at the moment we have a buzz going in the dressing room, which is fantastic. What's even better is that this buzz doesn't lead to seven years to life in most South East Asian countries." explained a high on life Williams.

ENDS

Williams back to rehab

Josh Williams has returned to rehab following his recent visit to the Wellington Indoor Sports website, his publicist said.
"Josh admitted himself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Tuesday morning," the publicist said in a statement.
"Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation." According to sources close to Williams, he has checked into the Promises treatment centre in Island Bay.

According to the statement, the legendary indoor cricketer known for exploits on- and off-court checked the points tables following WIS's shock awarding of 25 bonus points, rocketing Williams' team, Brooklyn Beggars, to third on the table. Williams' joy quickly turned to dismay however when he made the fateful decision to see how many points for a victory the top of the table Fossils get (9 or 10) compared to The Brooklyn Beggars (6 or 7) per victory. According to one witness, Williams became "apopleptic with rage, he was ranting incoherently about tee-shirts and corruption at the highest levels."
The 32-year-old has not yet been charged with making a public disturbance but is expected in court on other alcohol-related charges. Williams has already spent time in rehab earlier this year, and said last month that he had been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Team captain Kevin List said he was unable to comment on matters before the court. However, a spokesperson for Promises Treatment Centre said that they were exploring options to allow Williams an "exceptional circumstances" release to ensure he was available for the crucial wasting of easy-beats Falcon Hawk on Thursday Evening NZ time.

Penalty Reversed - Beggars Lie third - AFP

In a stunning volte-face by indoor cricket authorities, renegade team the Brooklyn Beggars have had their 25 point penalty for player registration irregularities reversed, effectively giving them a 25 point boost and lifting them to third on the table. Officials at the Dubai headquarters of Wellington Indoor Sports refused to comment but it is believed that a torrent of negative publicity and veiled threats prompted the decision.

Team loud mouth, Stephen Metherell reacted to the news with a tirade against the administration: "about bloody time" he said "they way things stood you could grease the right palms, wear pretty shirts and then stand around feeling yourself every week and you'd be smack bang in a playoff spot." Metherell reacted angrily to suggestions that the Beggars had themselves "greased the right palms" to get this result and were planning to "wear pretty shirts" themselves. "Look mate" he said "our playing record stands up against any in the division, that's the only reason we deserve our place on the table." Asked if he thought other teams should receive the same boost Metherell yelled, mouth foaming, "tell them to bring it on, we'll take them down on the court, we'll take them down off the court, we'll take them down before they get anywhere near the court" he was then led back to his cell.

External Link: World Indoor Cricket Championship Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=732&place=41

Beggars Turn the Corner?

Beggars Win 100-77 – NZPA
By RICHARD BOOCK


In a season already blighted by penalties for player registration and uniform irregularities, the trials endured over the last two weeks by the Brooklyn Beggars would have broken most teams. In the wake of the "Williams affair" when Josh Williams's alleged alcoholism threatened to divide the team, a crushing defeat to the Fossils, then Andy Cameron's girly wuss out for the season with a "broken" wrist, last Night's match against the unheralded Oblivious Eight loomed as make or break in the Beggars' quest for a playoff spot. The Beggars responded to the challenge with a tight and disciplined effort in the field to defend a mediocre total in winning 100 to 77.

Batting first, the Beggars didn't display their usual opening panache in a partnership yielding only 19 runs and a pair of 23s (the first a hint of a return to form for Captain Kevin List) book ended a fine 35 for Williams and the ever impressive Stephen Metherell. That these two rivals for the moral leadership of the team should combine so effectively was a tribute to the authority of Metherell, who marshaled his younger and less talented partner so effectively in a crucial situation. Beggars fans the world over will be hoping that Williams, rapidly being seen as some kind of weak revision of the careers of Geoff Howarth or even George Best, can take his cue from the older and more handsome man and better deploy his mediocre talents as his looks and physique wane with age.

In the field Kevin List's wily captaincy and Metherell's bellowed exhortations inspired the team to their most impressive bowling performance of the season. An opening partnership of 6 left the Oblivious Eight playing catch-up throughout the innings a situation from which the never quite recovered. Highlights were the mesmerising legspin from Sam Roose, hostile and niggardly overs from Mikey and the excellent Metherell, and a stunning coup de gras of a negative 12 final over delivered by the Captain when 12 runs would have seen the Eight home.

As the finals beckon, the beggars will take heart from the the return to form of their captain the relative sobriety of Williams, but with stiffer challenges to come, and the looming absence of the near unplayable Roose, will require a much a improved batting effort, with a score of 120 a benchmark against the best teams.

Beggars docked a point after internal strife

In a sensational turn, internal strife which erupted in the Brooklyn Beggars camp after last night's victory over Xtreme-Supreme has resulted in them losing a bonus point.

After earlier stories that Josh Williams had been sent home by senior beggars players, it emerged this morning after updated points tables had been published that a bonus point earned by the Brooklyn Beggars in last night's routine victory was awarded to their opponents due to disgraceful scenes after the match.

Umpire Gordon Copeland made the sensational decision after Beggars wicketkeeper, Josh Williams, hijacked the man of the match ceremony, snatching the award before it could be presented making loud and drunken references to "three points" - presumably a reference to his run tally - before senior players asked him to leave. Copeland, in a statement issued while the Wellington Indoor Sports Board was voting on the measure, said that "the tension in the team was obvious during the game, and it was only the incredible strength of character of their captain that held the team together". After the game "Williams seemed to lose all sense of self-respect", Copeland said. "I've never seen anything so disgraceful in all my years on the hallowed astro-turf of the Newtown Indoor Sports Centre". Copeland went on to say that penalising the Beggars a point in such a tight race for a semi-final spot "sent a strong message to other teams about unacceptable behaviour in the game's spiritual home."

Beggars' management could not be reached for comment

Williams Pays Tribute to Cameron

A visibly shocked Josh Williams spoke briefly to journalists following Andy Cameron's press conference and shock retirement announcement at 9am this morning.

Williams, who has had sporting links with Cameron back to 1989 was hearty in his praise for Cameron's long service to both soccer and cricket.

"Andy has been a real workhorse" Williams said. "sure he doesn't necessarily have the charisma of a myself or some of these flashy others, but he's been gritty and nuggetty, and those are seriously good cricketing adjectives"

Williams, who has recently re-entered society following a stint in rehabilitation following a spate of pre-match binge-drinking also paid a personal tribute. "Andy's been my rock. I don't know who I would have been drinking with without him"

ENDS