Metherell - Williams will take it on the chin

International SuperStar Times 17 September 2007

Modest family-man allround superstar good guy Stephen Metherell today offered his unequivocal support to lame team mate Josh Williams. Williams, in common with many, has found Metherell's supersonic thunderbolts to hard to handle behind the stumps and has resorted to taking balls on the chin. Metherell today announced his support for the idea and promised Williams he will do his best to rest his team mates' limp wrist by delivering a short pitched barrage. Observes at a recent Beggars closed practice session reported that Metherell's bowling reached speeds unseen since Concord was decommissioned, with perennial Beggars bench warmer Saab Johal lucky to survive while captain Kevin List had to receive an emergency tea transfusion after his blood pressure reached dangerously high levels.

After the session an obviously engorged Metherell modestly made a favourable comparison between himself and former New Zealand "fast" "bowling" "great" Derek Stirling, pointing out that "for all he achieved in the game he [Stirling] never made the Beggars' starting eight, let alone reaching the fifth dimension." With one eye staring lovingly at his reflection while the other perused his own bottom, Metherell went on to promise to replicate his practice performance in the Beggars' top of the table clash with the ghey-monikered "Cougar Hunters" on Wednesday Night. "With Williams' hand no longer a concern, I feel I can really let rip on Wednesday, it'll nice to know that my team mates' mediocrity wont hold me back any more".

Williams takes it on the Chin

Williams Weekly, 17 September 2007

Humbled superstar Josh Williams says his thumb injury needs to take the lion's share of the blame for the Beggars' ignominious defeat last week. "I think the boys have gotten used to having me behind the stumps there, saying inspirational things like 'let's go fullas' and 'come on brookers' that sort of thing. At our age people don't like their routines being upset so i think my absence behind the stumps knocked the boys' confidence. "We've all come to expect a certain look of dazed bewilderment from Kev" Williams said, "but it's a bit scary when it's the rest of us as well"

Clearly Williams' left hand was not to blame, as he bowled a world-record over of negative 18. But his batting was sorely affected, hampered by the horrific thumb injury that meant he was not able to nurse the shockingly out-of-form Stephen Metherell through their mind-bogglingly dreadful partnership.

Looking forward to Wednesday's match, Williams has confirmed that while his thumb is still "giving him jip", he will resume his keeping duties. "I'm prepared to take on on the chin for the team" Williams said". "In fact, I'd definitely prefer taking one on the chin than another one on my thumb."

ENDS

Williams "Simpsonises" Self

While prevaricating over whether or not to go to the nets this afternoon, and in a pathetic and desperate attempt to get more votes on the sexy beggar poll, badly injured superstar wicketkeeper Josh Williams today Simsonised himself at http://simpsonizeme.com/

Metherell Defects to Rebel League

Sports Briefs

After intense speculation and unconvincing denials, Brooklyn Beggars star allrounder Stephen Metherell today finally announced his intention to sign with the as yet unformed rebel indoor cricket league. Not citing family or financial reasons, Metherell claimed that the recent unilateral decision by self appointed wowser Andy "Who?" Cameron to end the Beggars' pre, intra, and post match drinking was the sole reason for his defection. "Andy's knee-jerk decision undermines the very ethos of the game" Metherell said "I know there's frustration among the boys at the failure of WIS to supply us the high society (porn) star treatment to which we have become accustomed and richly deserve, but to react by ripping apart the very fabric of the game is abhorrent to me. I'm doing this for the game I love".

There are signs that Metherell's defection could lead to yet another acrimonious split among the creaking primadonnas of the world's most popular indoor cricket team as he claimed to be planning the defection of the entire Beggars franchise. "With the bulk of the team (me) already gone" Metherell said, "I'm confident the rest of the boys will take a stand for the sake of the game and we'll take the brand with us". When asked what he thought Cameron would do without the Beggars Metherell responded with typical vitriol "as far as I'm concerned he can just f**k off with his sports water with his poofter soccer chums".

Cameron was unavailable for comment as he is currently undergoing basic training with the Salvation Army.

Williams confused by List's mixed metaphors; grins at journalists.

Josh Williams was swamped by a media throng on his way to after-work drinks this evening following Kevin List's announcement that he may be involved with the unveiling of a new bowling action from the legendary Beggars Captain.

"I don't know what he's on about most of the time" Williams said. "The only thing I'm doing with my head is scratching it, after all that stuff about nooses and tigers' jaws"

Asked for confirmation of his attendance at Saturday nets Williams blessed the throng with the impish grin that has thus far earned him one vote on the "most sexy Beggar" poll and said "wait and see".

Williams on Rebel Indoor Sports League Rumours

Star human being Josh Williams of Brooklyn Beggars megastardom has reassured his legion of fans this afternoon that he would not support a breakaway indoor cricket league, despite an increasing clarion of dissention with the International World Indoor Sports Assocation, and some big Beggars' names like Stephen Metherell being associated with the breakway league rumours.

Rumours that World Indoor Sports is going to fold following the conclusion of the Winter 2007 season has led to increasing speculation that a rebel league may be about to coalesce around Indoor Cricket impresario Blair "Ozzy" Ozmeister. A number of big names have been associated with this move, most notably, Williams' long-time batting partner, Stephen Metherell.

Williams was unequivocal in his rejection of the prospect of moving to a rebel league, but open to the possibility that it might be a more appropriate move for some other Beggars reaching the Autumn of their careers.

"Look some of the older guys in the team like Metherell, List and Gregory might wanna look at something like that. I mean clearly the agility is starting to go, even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet. I mean, look at Stephen, I have huge respect for the man, and we've had some great knocks together but look at him this week playing and missing all day, getting clean bowled, and taking kamikaze singles - i mean that's not what Steve or the fans want to see - so look if there's an avenue open to someone like Steve, that can give him some income security for once the baby comes and after his ability has all gone, then I'm all for it."

Organisational Failings at WIS

A series of organisational failings has led to recent grumblings from players and organisers alike. In the most recent example it was revealed that four out of the seven remaining round-robin matches for the Brooklyn Beggars will be played at 9.20 pm, allowing little time for after-match Heinekens of either a celebratory or commiseratory nature. The economic impact of this lack of foresight may have a devastating impact on WIS bottom-lines come end of season.

This follows hard on the heels of WIS's failure to update their results website so that a full 36 hours had gone by before the Beggars' international hordes of fans could find out the result of Tuesday's clash between the Beggars and the Boundary Hunters. While the result itself may have been utterly predictable, the merciless extent of the object lesson in basic cricket handed out by the Beggars on Tuesday was highly newsworthy.

And of course thee "subs debacle" has entered the cricketing vernacular, as it is now three weeks since Brooklyn Beggars completed payment of their registration fees but the bonus points have yet to be awarded, costing the Beggars a clear berth at the top of the table.

ENDS

Bonus Points Fiasco Costs WIS Dearly

The financial empire that is Wellington Indoor Sports was this evening thrown into disarray, following an announcement by Brooklyn Beggar’s player’s representative Andy J Cameron 3.

The Beggars, who are lying second on the Fifth Dimension table, have been unimpressed by WIS’s inability to collate their bonus points, the arrival of which would see the team catapult into first following their stunning series of wins in recent weeks.

“I am saddened to announce that the Beggars management have agreed to stop all pre- and post match drinking at WIS until the bonus points we are owed are placed on our account’ announced a sombre faced Cameron 3, flanked by his life size portrait of Australian cricketing star of the 80’s, Greg Matthews.

“While the Beggars as a whole certainly enjoy an after-match imbroglio, in the current situation, we feel we cannot support WIS, as they are not supporting us.”

WIS were not available to comment on this latest stunning reversal of their finances, however it is understood that the Beggar’s bar room antics were one of the few bright spots in the cricket season for the company.

Analysts at the Reserve Bank are understood to be checking their sums in a crisis meeting to see if this will affect the viability of keeping the capitol city in Wellington.

ENDS

Protest Quashed, Beggars Whitewash Confirmed

Breaking News

After a marathon 43 hour hearing at the Dubai headquarters of World Indoor Sports, the inaptly named Boundary hunters' protest against Brooklyn Beggars' drug testing results has been quashed and the Beggars' 77-123 humiliation of the men from Karachi has been confirmed. The Hunters protested against the drug testers findings that the Beggars abnormally high testosterone levels were a naturally occurring byproduct of the high octane all action style of the team, citing the extremely suspicious after match behavour. In evidence the Hunters' lawyers cited the fact that after the match, in a first for the team, the Beggar's left the premises immediately thus spurning their ritual post match beer. Elaborating at a press conference, Alastair Campbell, the Hunters' Public Relations consultant, said "our scouts have been following this team for months in anticipation of this match and it's quite obvious that the post-match beer is intrinsic to the way they play. What other reason is there for them to not drink but to avoid incriminating themselves in the urinal?" Campbell also went on to cite the physique of some of the punier members of the squad as evidence that the Testosterone could not have been naturally occurring. "That wicketkeeper, whathisname, the one who cried because the ball hurt, what other explanation has he got for a positive test?" Anonymous sources, speaking from the dermatological ward of Wellington Hospital, reported that the hearing turned on the hair sprouting from the shoulders of star allrounder Stephen Metherell. Tests on the hair proved that it has been growing steadily for some years and is not due to recent ingestion of synthetic hormones as claimed.

Reporting on the match had been embargoed until the result of the appeal was released and the next of Kin of the mauled Hunters players informed, such was the ferocity of the Beggars assault. In the field the Beggars had their foot on the Hunters throat throughout the first three partnerships which "amassed" 14, 13, and 14 respectively. A relaxed air thus prevailed in the final partnership as the beggars cunningly allowed the Hunters to eek out 36 more runs for the sake of having something of a target asvpractice for stiffer challenges to come (though not, as Campbell notes, those stiff challenges coming in the toilet). The effect was rather like a cat toying with a doomed mouse. Though the Beggars' chase started at a somewhat leisurely pace as Dr. Tim Jeffries seemed lost in star studded company, a magnificent hand by the Captain Kevin List and a nice Comedian/straight man act from Williams and Metherell saw the Beggars ahead before the final Gregory/Cameron axis inflicted a brutal and entirely gratuitous coup de gras with a nonchalant 44 run effort, leaving the Beggars to celebrate a perfect 10 point win and forlorn Boundary Hunters to shuffle their way to the protest room with their trousers around their ankles.

Man of the match for the second week running was the hugely committed Jason Te Kare who, at the expense of his marriage, helicoptered to the stadium directly from a secluded private Auckland clinic where he it is believed he had his pectoral implants removed less than an hour before the game began. Such commitment, matched in a peerless fielding display, has seasoned observers noticing that he is just a close shave away from some of the greatest mustaches in the history of New Zealand cricket.