Beggars Capitulate Again

28 June 2007 Richard Boock

WIS Stadium Newtown

It was difficult to know whether the 95-84 loss to That Team was a new Nadir
for the Beggars, or just a continuation of the last one, but this team has
either seriously lost its mojo or their pre semi-final bluff has taken in
even themselves. A surge of betting against the Beggars in Delhi and Karachi
shortly before the final partnership allied with an unknown umpire making
crucial "mistakes" must be noted too.

The bald facts however are rather easier to understand: the last partnership
between the dashing and hitherto reliable Stephen Metherell and his slavish
and lesser imitator Josh Williams, required a mere 15 for victory and failed.
That it was Metherell, the very lungs of the team, at fault has left this
correspondent bemused, bereft, and questioning his love of the game.

What shaped up as an interesting tussle when the Thats' first partnership
yielded 36 runs quickly swung the Beggars way when the ever reliable Russ
Hewitt, reborn as a pace bowler very much in the Gary Robertson mould, bowled
a stunning negative 12 over followed by a negative seven effort from Josh "I
only need a couple of Syrrah to Warm-up" Williams. The latter conjured up
Gary Troup's glory day of New Zealand left arm seam (rather more than Murphy
Su'a). Though this partnership recovered to registered a laborious 1 and
though the remaining That batsmen batted well, tight fielding and bowling
kept the score under a hundred and the odds in Karachi well in the Beggars'
favour

The run chase began well with the ever under-appreciated Gregory top scoring
once more in a solid partnership of 32 with the reliable Te Kare. Following
this was 20 runs from kevin List and Russell Hewitt. "Captain Kev" List's
comic antics, running between the wickets like a mincing blind man groping
and sniffing his way to stinking long drop, distracted selfishly from a calm
and authoritative innings from man of the match Hewitt. New boy Tim Jeffries
and the departing Sam Roose added a composed 29 and at 81 with 15 needed the
Beggars seemed home.

But it was not to be. The first two overs yielded precisely nothing and a
visibly distressed Metherell reminded some observers of the descent of Kim
Huges and Jeff Crowe into cricketing idiocy. All the well judged calm of
Williams was undermined as his partner flayed incoherantly and unluckely,
seemingly safe conservative shots landing miraculously in fielders hands, and
a nicely judged single adjudged out by the hitherto (and hopefully
henceforth) unheralded umpire Hanse Cronje.

And so it came to the last two overs and still 15 required. As a surprisingly
calm recovery was mounted, the pathos grew as the out of sorts Metherell
bravely (if illegally) intercepted a Williams cannon ball with his head to
prevent it being caught, leaving a bruised ear to match his ego and
reputation. As tension rose in the last over a devastated Metherell thought
his coservative dink into the side nets had leveled the score with two balls
remaining only to see the ball somehow contriving to land in the groping
fielders hand. A flailing Williams could only add a single leaving 7 required
from the last ball. Proving his ticker had not failed with his technique,
Metherell charged the bowler and made a strong connection. For a brief but
beautiful moment it appeared he had defied the gods, the fates, and Satan
himself. But it was not a night for poetry. The ball sailed wide and a
heartbroken and shattered Metherell surveyed a glorious career in tatters. In
the confusion there was a meaningless runout but it was hardly noticed as a
broken man departed the stage.

ENDS

Beggars clash likely 'beer fest'

Peter Fitzsimmons - Sunday Star Times

This weeks indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars and That Team will almost certainly not be a hard fought game. Much like when I was on Ridgie's team during the first couple of seasons of Game Of Two Halves - a team incapable of propping up Ridgie's inferior knowledge of sport without the ridiculously knowledgable (and downright nerdy) Martin Devlin.

Anyway enough talking about myself. Three scenarios can realistically result from tomorrow nights clash.

Scenario 1 being the Brooklyn Beggars drink heavily before the clash, resulting in yet another inebriable performance from Josh Williams behind the stumps, and with the ball, in fact all tasks that don't require running - there I go getting distracted again - and the Beggars win in a cakewalk.

Scenario 2 being that Brooklyn turn the opposition on a little too much in their dashing new strip, and their short single running legs turn to jelly - the Beggars win in a cakewalk and drink afterwards.

Scenario 3 being that Brooklyn drink copiously before, during, and after the game resulting in complete and utter disorientation, the main result of which will be a very hard fought game against the shapely and pert Net-B-Allstars on the neighbouring sports arena. Provided in this case the Beggars remember to bring their newly acquired attire of fire and don't retire their desire, the Beggars will still be the winners on the day. The only potential problem with this scenario is that the Beggars may become Grovellers in the company of the luscious and long-legged Allstars.

Regardless of the final outcome, and its relevance to cricket or for that matter any of the inane drivel contained in my babbling preview, tomorrow is sure to be a thoroughly enjoyable night-out enjoyed by all but the designated driver and the media correspondent, both coincidentally bearing the name A.J. Cameron.

PETER FITZSIMMONS IS SOME AUSSIE BOOFHEAD WHO PLEADED TO OUR PAPER FOR A JOB. HE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS AND NOT REALLY FAMOUS ENOUGH, BUT WE FIGURED THAT DIDN'T MATTER FOR A POST WHICH IGNORES THE ABILITY TO TALK. WE WERE WRONG.... SORRY - Ed.

Beggars clash likely 'yawn-fest'

27 June - NZPA

This week's feature indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars
and That Team won't incur much media interest if last night's media pack
at the back bar of the Southern Cross is anything to go by.

Noted cricket commentator Steven Bock was up-front in admitting his
preference for late nights with boats instead when he stated, "to be
frank, both teams are already in the finals, and with key players
missing, this one's likely to be a low-rent cheap-hack non-thriller of
the sort Merv Hughes' moustache would be involved in."

"I for one would rather stick pins in my eyes and watch millionaire's
race carbon fibre across the waves than even bother to catch this game.
I mean, with the retirement of the Beggars class all-rounder Cameron,
the sickening loss of batting form of Williams and now the demotion of
Hollings for breaking team rules by not drinking before the last 'game',
there really won't be much point in staying awake."

At the same time, that heroically parochial Wellington cricket expert,
J. Millmow, fears there will be no contest at all. "Look, without me
there on the sidelines to put together a great write-up of the game, I
think any media who turn up will only get to witness a yawn-fest of epic
proportions, so I'm predicting no media will be there at all, including
that expert cameraman, A J C III."

"Add to this the choice of prolific 'spinner' Sam Roose to choose county
over country, and all in all, no one is really looking forward to seeing
the all-new red-branded Beggars hit the sidewalks at WIS, especially
with their propensity to beg for batting implements from the
opposition."

So no matter what the outcome of this game, it is likely that the
Beggars will face the highly-rated, deeply-calcified Fossils in their
semi-final next week, a game that most pundits are picking will be close
in age if not in score.

ENDS

Beggars management in crisis meeting

It is understood that Brooklyn Beggars managemnt are in a crisis
meeting after it was revealed captain Kevin List sent an email assuring
his poor unsuspecting players that they were supposed to be playing
Thursday at 7pm. As it turns out the start time is actually Thursday at
8pm. It appears a sad attempt at writing a fake press release is behind
the monumental c*** -up.

Hollings Dumped from Beggars

In a controversial but necessary move the talented but notorious
playboy among playboys Michael Hollings has been dumped from the
Brooklyn Beggars in their last match before the semi-finals. It is
understood by NZPA that with many of the Beggars team having
switched to a strict version of 'Wahhabi Christian Fundamentalism'
Hollings off-field antics were leading to on field tensions.

The final straw seems to have come when Beggars captain Kevin
'make mine a mineral water' List accompanied Hollings out on the
weekend in an effort to curb his excesses. Sadly not only was the
925pm curfew and prayer session neglected but there were instances
of Mr Hollings trying to dance 'like a squid' and piggy backing
intoxicated Americans.

Hollings place will be taken this week by Dr Timothy Jefferies. While it
is obvious the team will suffer from losing their talented opening
batsmen on the plus side as hard hitting batsmen Stephen Metherell
(also number 62 on Gordon Copeland's Future NZ party's list) says
"What is it for a man to win on the astro-turf of the Wellington Indoor
Sports centre and lose his eternal soul in the process."

Dr Jefferies is an erratic cricketer but more importantly a hard working
family man with a lovely wife (Mrs Tim).

The pre semi final game is at 7pm this Thrusday on the hallowed
astroturf of the WIS - no other changes are expected to be made
unless a Salem type moral witch hunt is more successful - anonymous
allegations regarding instances of moral turpitude can be sent to this
email address.

Clash of the Dark Horses: National Bank Cricket Company

Mark Richardson talks to Simon Doull about this Thursday's crucial clash between the solid yet stolid That Team, and the fairytale debutants, the story of the season so far, the Brooklyn Beggars.

MR: Well it's going to be a big one. This Thursday's match between Brooklyn Beggars and That Team looks set up to be a truly mammoth affair that may well reveal how the rest of the season is going to play out. On one hand the pressure is off: both teams are safely ensconced in the semis, but this crucial match up will bestow huge psychological advantage and bragging rights for the winner. I spoke to Simon Doull and asked him what he thought about the big game, and his own international career. Simon, what do you reckon mate?

SD: gidday Mark, well yeah I think at this stage you really have to give the edge to the Beggars. I know their batting's been a bit scratchy of late, but they have already notched up one victory against That Team earlier in the season, and have got one more win in the competition overall. Both teams have had a mid-season slump, and the Beggars are 128 runs behind That Team on aggregate, but remember they had that no-show last week when the Trousers ran away. So I think it's going to be a very close match, but lets face it, the Beggars have foregone 20 points on principle though their uniform bonus-point policy protest - if they'd towed the line on matching tee-shirts, Beggars'd be a clear third on the table.

MR: Simon how do you think the Beggars have managed to come so far in their first season together with no uniform points?

SD: Well look Mark I think the Beggars have been playing a very astute game here, and have been looking at the big picture. All nine of the squad have had moments of absolute brilliance so we know what they can do it but never really all of them strung it together on the same night. I think any opposition would have to look out if that happened. To be honest at other times they've been a bit ordinary - but if Stephen Metherell is to be believed, they've been deliberately holding back. If they all go off in the finals I think they are in with a chance of taking out the division in their rookie season, which would be an unbelievable achievement.

MR: Simon, in your mind, Who are some of the key players?

SD: Well, firstly all the bowlers have got to come to the party and bowl straight, they've let teams off with far too many wides in the last couple of games, probably a case of trying too much fancy stuff. I think Kevin List is a key man, leading from the front, and it's good to see he's been showing some sparkling form with the bat of late. For me the other key is the balding triumverate of Gregory, Metherell and Williams - they just bring a frightening energy to proceedings that a lot of oppositions find it very difficult to cope with.

MR: Finally Simon, what about your international career.

SD: Well Mark, when I first came along I had that kind of preppy schoolboy haircut and spindly-arm action, I didn't really frighten anybody, and I pretty much got dispatched to all parts. Then after I got dropped, I shaved my head, got my ear pierced and grew a mean goatee, and after that started getting a lot more movement through the air and generally giving more batsmen the willies as I ran in.

MR: Thank very much for that Simon

SD: cheers mate.


ENDS

Williams to endorse hair replacement product.

Mercurial and shiny wicketkeeper Josh Williams is to follow in the
footsteps of cricketers Martin Crowe, Shane Warne, Graham Gooch, and um,
Greg Matthews, by endorsing Advanced Hair replacemnt therapies.
"When I started in the game, I alwaysy wanted to emulate the exploits
of these great players, and Greg, too I guess," said Williams at a press
conference held earlier today. "And finally, I can, with the patented
Strand By Strand Technique (TM)."
It's understood that William decided to sign up with the company after
being shocked by watching footage of himself batting. But the move has
brought ridicule down upon him from teammates Justin Gregory and Stephen
Metherell, who labelled the treatments "self-mutilation for ageing, over
the hill lotharios who think they're rock stars".

ENDS

On His Majesty's Request

Captain Kevin List Bowls himself, and a super piece of fielding from Russ.

Williams "Flabbergasted" over Media Silence

APNZ 20 June 2007

Mercurial, charismatic, and physically striking wicketkeeper Josh Williams was reported to be "flabbergasted" today to have not received any media coverage about himself or the Brooklyn Beggars.

"There is so much to talk about" Williams said. "This default clearly sees us through to the semis and we are on the up and up. There was also the complete shock of our captain showing up thoroughly intoxicated, having apparently left the staid faction of the team and joined the playboys, and let's not even start with the launch of the new uniform, which scared House of Trousers out of their trousers and back to their warm living rooms."

Along with 8 shiny points for the default, a rare team photograph was taken of the starting eight, and Beggars Management are understood to be negotiating with a number of British Dailies for rights to the image.

ENDS

BREAKING NEWS – Beggars winter collection parade

Prime News – first with the news!
Following an announcement earlier today that the Brooklyn Beggars would be parading a new strip this evening, insiders at WIS have also let slip that a large media contingent has been sighted near the red carpet entrance to the WIS stadium. It has been reported that a media scum is breaking out as the Beggars players will apparently be ‘showing off their wares’ ala Dan Carter.
We will be endeavouring to confirm this rumour as soon as possible to bring it to you FIRST.
ENDS

Beggars Launch Winter Collection

E News Update, June 19 2007

I'm Ryan Seacrest. All eyes tonight are on Wellington New Zealand, where fashionistas are absolutely abuzz just hours prior to the exclusive launch of Brooklyn Beggars new team uniform. Anyone who is anyone who plays indoor cricket is waiting impatiently for the biggest fashion event of the year, kicking off at 9.20 pm at Wellington Indoor Sports centre.

Top designers Karl Lagerfeld, Jean Paul Gaultier and Pierre Cardin all landed their private jets at Wellington during the afternoon, but only Gaultier was prepared to talk to our camera "I would not miss zis. Ze artform of ze tee-shirt is to be forever transformed. Zese Beggars 'ave such power and grace, whatever colour and cut ze shirts turn out to be vill change ze vorld of sportsvear, not to menshion being worth two poinz a veek!"

Former Supermodel and host of America's Next Top Model Tyra Banks had this to say: "How dare you, You don't know me, you don't know where I've come from, or what I've been through, or where I'm going, or what I'm going to do when I get there"

Wow.

News Briefs

Mercurial Brooklyn Beggars wicketkeeper Josh Williams has gone into
hiding after the publication of incriminating photographs in the weekend
papers.

The Sunday Star Times, the Herald on Sunday and NZ Truth all ran
photographs taken of Williams and a mystery man known only as "Ozzie",
talking privately and exchanging money at the WIS stadium last week.
Williams was seen leaving shortly afterwards and has been unavailable
for comment since the publication of the damning photographs on Sunday.
Reporters outside William's home say the troubled player emerged briefly
in the morning to be sped away by a second mystery man with a plaster
cast on his left arm, which was waved threateningly at the assembled
media. Williams reportedly muttered something about trying to purchase
second hand cricket gear as he was whisked away. although this has been
denied by his lawyers. Police have declined to confirm that the player
is under suspicion of being a part of the lucrative illegal trade in
equipment that is known to be operated from the WIS stadium. Friends of
the troubled and fading sports star say they hope the incident won't
drive him back into his previous alcohol abuse problems, but
commentators hold out little hope.

Videos of the Week!

Falcon Hawk Dude caught Metherell bowled Williams on our way to an horrific and unnecessary defeat.



Justin Gregory capitulates with the bat!

Gregory-Metherell dispute dismissed as a "distracting side-show"

Justin Gregory, the quietly-cool over-achiever of the Brooklyn Beggars
Indoor Cricket Team, has struck back at team mate Stephen Metherell's in
an escalating war of words.
In a leaked private email, Gregory had made disparaging but
substantially true allegations about team-mates Metherell and Josh
Williams, labelling them "show ponies", "inconsistent" and "fat", and
calling on the other players to be above such things.
Metherell cried foul in an interview immediately afterwards, saying
the comments were "unprofessional" and "beneath the journalistic
profession".
"Of course I'm beneath the journalistic profession", said Gregory,
casually lighting a Sobranie with a silver cigarette lighter, "They're
on the 3rd floor, I work on the 2nd.

ENDS.

Metherell News Briefs

Stephen Metherell has dimissed recent disparaging comments from his Brookly
Beggars team mate Justin Gregory as "unprofessional" and "beneath the
journalistic profession". "We talk to each other through the media" he
explained "not via some unstructured personal email, are we professional
sportsmen and tabloid fodder or not?" Gregory is expected to take weeks to
reply.

Justin Gregory Writes

Jase, Kev, our ever predictable teammates haven't let us down in the
press release department - unlike the way they let us down in the
bolwing/batting/fielding departments last night. I was predicting last
night that a Williams press release blowing his own trumpet would be out
today and that at some point soon, someone would blame the media for our
dismal form. It's eventually always our fault. And Josh managed to do
both in the same article. "Astonishing performance"? What was
astonishing was the contrast between his bowling and batting
performances. Stephen Metherell, the "moral compass" of the team? Isn't
he having a child out of wedlock? And doesn't he more closely resemble a
pendulum rather than a compass?
I say let's continue to follow in the footsteps of our guiding light,
Russell, and be amongst the quiet acheivers of the team, rather than one
of these inconsistent show ponies.

Beggars left 'begging for mercy' in WIS rout

J. Millmow - The Dom Post.



Team moot handed the Brooklyn Beggars a cricketing lesson last night, in their comprehensive mauling of the red and blacks from up the hill.

Many of the team played like they were in fact over the hill, with the 119 - 70 loss the biggest of the Beggars on-again, off-again season. The result gave lie to the single win the Mooters have achieved this season as they out-classed their opponents in all aspects of this game.

There were a however some bright spots amid the gloom, with Josh 'wish I really was a lothario' Williams taking the Beggars' first ever hat trick - a stunning turn around for the man who earlier in the evening had consigned the Beggars to a miserly total with some outrageously uncalculated batting.

The hat trick consisted of three rather well-judged catches, and was close to being a double, with Russel Hewitt valiantly missing what would have been a stunning one-handed take in the long grassed outfield.

The cracking return to form of team weathervane Kevin List salvaged the team after a rare first partnership failure, but it was the idiocy and thoughtlessness of Williams and batting partner Metherell who consigned the Beggars to disgrace. After the first ten overs saw the Beggars reach 71, a par 110 score looked on the cards. But some crazed lofting of the yellow ball saw the team score an implosive -1 in their final six overs to finish with s sub-standard 70, which was never going to be enough, even against the lawyers from downtown.

Sadly for the Beggars, a large media contingent had turned up to watch them play, and the film footage of Jason Tekare and Justin Gregory will certainly go down in history. Next week sees a welcome return to Thursday night cricket, and it is to be hoped team mascot L. Munnelly will be back on the sidelines to inspire her team of wayward vagabonds.

ENDS

Williams "takes little comfort" from astonishing performance.

Josh Williams marked his return to sobriety with a rare hatrick as the lone high point in a disappointing loss for the Brooklyn Beggars last night. While there were the obligatory high-fives all round, the usually flamboyant Williams was clearly philosophical, and relatively subdued in his celebrations.

"It's very satisfying of course, but I take no pleasure in seeing my team lose. Despite the tissue of lies spread by some media outlets and some unthinking statements from some of my heavier team-mates, it has always and ever only been about the team - after all my hatrick wickets were all catches."

Captain Kevin List said "obviously we are inspired that Josh has returned to his brilliant best and I'm sure he will inspire some others to reach their former heights going into the semis."

Some writers are giving credence to comments by Stephen Metherell that it should be obvious to any idiot that Beggars are still keeping a few cards up their sleeves.

Beggars remain 4th on the table despite their weekly two-point style deduction , are the first team to crack 1000 runs in the series and still have more wins than 7 other teams. Some crucial clashes overnight could shake things up significantly as the sharp end of the competition approaches.

Banner seen at WIS stadium:

"Andy, I think I'm pregnant, text me".

Metherell Slams Cameron: "Disloyal and Deceitful"

Brooklyn Beggars' Moral Compass, Stephen Metherell, today labeled fallen hero
Andy Cameron a "disloyal and deceitful little show pony" after Cameron went
public to scotch "rumours" of a comeback from injury forced retirement. "He
just can't stand being out of the limelight, let alone watch the likes of
myself better his performances" Metherell said. Then, in a revelation
guaranteed to create turmoil in the normally genteel world of indoor cricket
Metherell alleged that Cameron started the comeback rumours himself. "I have
the evidence right here, Metherell said with his right hand on a the Koran,
he texted a busty slapper that he was just "on holiday for a few days" and
"And [he] may well be back in black next week - even with a cast. It seems
this team needs some backbone!" Metherell then expounded at length on the
rest of the text which contained the cryptic line "so lets see if my hose
fits your nozzle"

With this evidence, Metherell alleges that Cameron has in fact faked his
injury in order to gain more time to indulge his text-sex addiction. "It's
typical of this bloody team" Metherell went on "can't score for real". "I
wouldn't mind so much cos you gotta get it somehow" he said "but to exploit
the differences in an otherwise pure and innocent team in order to hide your
dirty digital dalliances is lower the Kev's (Beggars captain Kevin List)
score last week" (-15).

The situation reminds this scribe of Chris Cairns leaving 1995 Beggars tour
of the West Indies citing injury only to turn out for Nottinghamshire a few
days later.

Cameron was unavailable for comment, co-workers telling this reporter he was
"too busy playing with his phone".

Cameron dismisses "ill-informed" rumours

NZPA: Wednesday 13 June 2007, 3.51pm

In a sweeping statement made earlier this afternoon, ex-Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron dismissed rumours that he will be returning from retirement to help the mid-table Beggars team overcome their recent form slump.

"I know many people have been making bets on whether or not I will be rescinding my pledge of retirement from Wellington indoor cricket," Cameron said, "but I know in my heart that the hunger is not there anymore. These rumours are just the ill-informed mutterings of a small crowd who don't know how much my retirement hurts."

The all-rounder unexpectedly retired two weeks ago after tragically breaking his wrist in a 'social' football match in Wellington and the huge hole his departure left has been in evidence in both the team outings since then. The Beggars however will be looking to consolidate their semi-final spot this evening with a win over stragglers Team Moot, who have only won one game all season.

"While I am disappointed that I can't help the Beggars' on their current lurch to the finals, I can only wish them well for the rest of the season," stated a resigned Cameron. "I can only hope that the lessons of last week will have been learned by the rest of my fantastic team."

Other team members were not available for comment on the rumours; however NZPA understands Cameron has not been attending games since his retirement out of respect for Captain Kevin List, who has been working hard to hold together an increasingly fractious team in recent weeks.

ENDS

Metherell Hits Back at Cairns “slur”

Model, role model, and modest family man, Stephen Metherell, has labeled as comparisons of his batting to Lance Cairns by Brooklyn Beggars Captain Kevin List as "a vicious slur". Speaking from the offices of SPUC, his management company, Metherell expressed sympathy for List's current mental turmoil but said he felt he "had to get a response on the record". "I know Kev's working through a obsessive-compulsive-onanism induced mental breakdown, and we've all been there so we think we can sympathise" he said to a nodding audience "but slurring a man's most precious possession, his batting technique, is simply beyond the pale in any circumstance". Shouting at the assembled reporters the newly appointed president of the Positive Parenting League went on "the correct analogy was with Nathan Astle's 222" referring to Astle's blitz on the English in Christchurch during the 2002 season. To the horror of his political colleagues, the number 42 on Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand list for the next election continued "that day Astle showed what a pitiful bunch the rest of his team were and that's what I did last night, there were no devil's in the pitch or in the bowling attack, even Josh [Williams] managed to overcome his multiple personal defects to play a supporting hand just like Chris Cairns did that day. Lance Cairns was a lucky slogger, Nath (Astle) and I played with controlled and cultured aggression".

ENDS

Beggars Captain Suffers Stress Related Mental Health Injury

Dashing Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List's indoor cricket career is in the balance following turning up late for work after the Beggars shock loss to the lowly and scruffy Falcon Hawk team.

List is currently believed to be seeing a psychotherapist after his concerned employers noticed him trying to stick his fingers in the coffee grinders socket.

NZPA reports that List made some half-arsed story up about buying toilet paper to explain his 9:34am start. Sources close to the Brooklyn Beggars captain believe the real reason for his lateness may be linked to a fit of depression that started late last evening and involved desultorily watching television till really quite late. Other reports suggest the snooze button was repeatedly hit on the once popular and successful captain's Nokia cell-phone in order or get an extra nine minutes sleep in and block out the horrific flashbacks to an innings which cost his team the game against deadbeats Falcon Hawk.

Sources close to the Beggars believe the rot may have set in earlier in the week with a nasty war of words involving List questioning the commitment of talented all-rounder Jason Te Kare. Last evening the fans of the Beggars would certainly not have questioned the commitment of Te Kare.

However it is also clear the team is split between the family orientated dependable unit of outstanding all-rounders Metherall, Te Kare, Hewitt and Roose and the flashy playboy antics of Williams, Gregory and Hollings.

That split was nowhere more evident last evening than a fresh out of re-hab Williams was busy dragging the normally dependable captain down to his level with a night of drinking that began before the actual game had even started.

The normally tee-total List was barely able to see the ball such was the amount of Amstel light in his system. Worse was to follow when flashy George Best like opening batsmen Michael Hollings explained his chasing the birds was more important than the team and promptly departed. It would seem for Hollings a bird in the hand is better than a lacquered tennis ball.

Exacerbating an already tense situation another flashy playboy was called in to cover Hollings. Indoor Cricket mercenary Malcolm Angel proved to be sadly misnamed. As well as bringing a trophy girlfriend ICWAG (Indoor Cricket Wife And Girlfriend) to the game Angel played like the Lord Lucifer – ie a fallen Angel.

The only good to come out of the game was a spirited Lance Cairns like effort late in the piece from dedicated family man and crowd pleasing big hitter Metherall.

The prognosis remains uncertain however whether List will recover from what has been called a 'stress related mental health injury'. But with appropriate treatment, and given his progress so far, there is no reason why he should not make a complete recovery.

It is hoped by friends and family that his days of fast busses and platonic friendships with a variety of women will be well behind him and he can once again show the sort of form that would often lead to dependable five run innings (in credit not debit).

ENDS

Te Kare goes to Tekarere to clear air.

In an unusual move the Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder, Jason Te Kare, has refused to talk to the mainstream media stating, "I will only speak to Maori Media from now on." Te Kare claims that the ongoing negative portrayal of Maori in the mainstream has forced him to take this stance. It seems the media have got to the normally quiet Te Kare, with the reports of his Captain saying, "Te Kare's sober antics in the sound studios of Radio New Zealand, led to a drop in morale."

In an exclusive interview with Te Karere, Te Kare hit back by saying, "That's all teko man. I'm never sober at work ao! That just goes to show, those mainstream media fullahs just take the truth and twist it on you eh? I know my Captain is a descent fullah, he's one of the bros, he'd never say those things about me. Metherell is by far the best Captain I've ever played for and I just refuse to believe he'd say that about me, even if I couldn't play because of mahi."

When Te Karere revealed to Te Kare that it was Kevin List who spoke to the media, Te Kare replied, "who?"

There is no Kevin in Team:

Star allrounder and drama producer Jason Te Kare has struck back at accusations by his captain Kevin List that his absence from Thursday's crucial match could cause the resurgent Brooklyn Beggars to lose.

"No one player can have that sort of an impact upon a result', said a clearly angry Te Kare outside the RNZ drama studio today, "Although I notice we won easily when Kevin was away. This game is too good to be spoilt. Maybe it's time some people got out of it".

Also angry was opening batsman Justin Gregory after being labelled a "wayward bowler" by his captain.

"I don't know what Kev's on about. At least I can see the other end of the pitch. List is more than half-blind, and I don't need to tell you what that's a result of."
The under-fire captain was contacted for comment, but hung up when asked if it was true that he was rubbish bowler and a chronic masturbator.

Blame This Week's Potential Loss on Te Kare: List

Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List has blamed talented all-rounder Jason Te Kare for upsetting team spirit and derailing the Beggars indoor cricket campaign NZPA reported today.

List said Te Kare's sober antics in the sound studios of Radio New Zealand, led to a drop in morale.

``We arrived at Wellington Indoor Sports centre in a positive frame of mind last week – that is unlikely to be repeated this week,'' the paper quoted List as saying.

``But unfortunately incidents happened which affected the team. You have to be honest Andy Cameron selfishly breaking his arm and now Jason Te Kare's commitment to quality budget NZ drama do affect morale.''

Cameron is now recovering from surgery and may be out of action most of the season.

List said he had been sending mostly abusive text messages to Cameron since the operation.

List said the players did not dare go out and enjoy themselves after Te Kare's work so excited were they by the possibility of audio drama on Radio NZ.

Out of order

Brooklyn Beggars captain Kevin List was branded ``despicable'' by talented batsmen but wayward bowler Justin Gregroy for going public with criticism of (Gregory's) fellow workmate Te Kare.

An angry Gregory , who watched Te Kare rise like a phoenix before imploding in a form fireball last week told reporters at WIS that it was List who had now damaged team spirit.

``I think it is completely out of order, I think it's despicable, I think it stinks against a guy who has given blood although not literally and possibly not even figuratively for the Beggars these past three or four weeks.''

`You don't blast it out across the airwaves or into newspapers, particularly if it's something like this. You help your mates, you don't shoot them down.''

Spiritual Advisers view

Spiritual adviser and recovering substance abuser Josh Williams tried to play down talk of a row by saying: ``I wasn't around at the time and I can only comment on what I see and at the moment we have a buzz going in the dressing room, which is fantastic. What's even better is that this buzz doesn't lead to seven years to life in most South East Asian countries." explained a high on life Williams.

ENDS

Williams back to rehab

Josh Williams has returned to rehab following his recent visit to the Wellington Indoor Sports website, his publicist said.
"Josh admitted himself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Tuesday morning," the publicist said in a statement.
"Because this is a medical matter, it is our hope that the press will appreciate the seriousness of the situation." According to sources close to Williams, he has checked into the Promises treatment centre in Island Bay.

According to the statement, the legendary indoor cricketer known for exploits on- and off-court checked the points tables following WIS's shock awarding of 25 bonus points, rocketing Williams' team, Brooklyn Beggars, to third on the table. Williams' joy quickly turned to dismay however when he made the fateful decision to see how many points for a victory the top of the table Fossils get (9 or 10) compared to The Brooklyn Beggars (6 or 7) per victory. According to one witness, Williams became "apopleptic with rage, he was ranting incoherently about tee-shirts and corruption at the highest levels."
The 32-year-old has not yet been charged with making a public disturbance but is expected in court on other alcohol-related charges. Williams has already spent time in rehab earlier this year, and said last month that he had been attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.

Team captain Kevin List said he was unable to comment on matters before the court. However, a spokesperson for Promises Treatment Centre said that they were exploring options to allow Williams an "exceptional circumstances" release to ensure he was available for the crucial wasting of easy-beats Falcon Hawk on Thursday Evening NZ time.

Penalty Reversed - Beggars Lie third - AFP

In a stunning volte-face by indoor cricket authorities, renegade team the Brooklyn Beggars have had their 25 point penalty for player registration irregularities reversed, effectively giving them a 25 point boost and lifting them to third on the table. Officials at the Dubai headquarters of Wellington Indoor Sports refused to comment but it is believed that a torrent of negative publicity and veiled threats prompted the decision.

Team loud mouth, Stephen Metherell reacted to the news with a tirade against the administration: "about bloody time" he said "they way things stood you could grease the right palms, wear pretty shirts and then stand around feeling yourself every week and you'd be smack bang in a playoff spot." Metherell reacted angrily to suggestions that the Beggars had themselves "greased the right palms" to get this result and were planning to "wear pretty shirts" themselves. "Look mate" he said "our playing record stands up against any in the division, that's the only reason we deserve our place on the table." Asked if he thought other teams should receive the same boost Metherell yelled, mouth foaming, "tell them to bring it on, we'll take them down on the court, we'll take them down off the court, we'll take them down before they get anywhere near the court" he was then led back to his cell.

External Link: World Indoor Cricket Championship Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=732&place=41