Beggars Inflict Stunning Default on Cougar Hunters

News Briefs

In a stunning top of the table clash at the WIS Hyperdome yesterday the Brooklyn Beggars' blood red shirts and media savvy PR campaign cowed the Cougar hunters into submission even before hostilities commenced. Speaking on behalf of the Cougar Hunters, a bland and effeminate auditor (indistinguishable from his team-mates even to himself), put the Hunters' loss down to down to bewitching cocktail of p*nis envy and performance anxiety. "For a start the prospect of facing the famous red shirts of Brooklyn caused a serious bout of introspection, we didn't really feel manly enough for the task, Then on Friday the Beggars publicity machine cranked into life and we realised we were simply not equipped to handle the pressures of celebrity which is part and parcel of bathing in the Beggars' reflected aura. Frankly, we couldn't compete with their hyper-celebrity mega-stardom and we had no choice but to cringe pathetically back in Wadestown where we belong ."

WIS officials have been similarly effected, failing as yet to register the hard earned default despite it's importance to the Beggars aspirations to finish at the atop the regular season standings.

Williams soaks up more pressure

Sports very briefs

Josh Williams is reported to be "unperturbed" in his exclusive government department this afternoon, despite the string of revelations concering his team-mates physical and mental fragility. The young firebrand spoke to media outlets this afternoon driven by a wish to reassure his legions of admirers he can continue to outshine his beggar colleagues for many weeks to come. "the physical breakdown of hollings and cameron, the mental breakdown of metherell and list, and the absence of gregory are all very sad, Probably it's the pressure to not be totally outshone by me that's a contributing factor to people falling to bits, and for that i'm sorry but it's nothing that beggars supporters should concern themselves with." Williams said. "I eat pressure" was the only other thing he added.

Williams then politely declined a number of proposals from attractive members of the throng of journalists before returning to his day job.

Bureaucracy Threatens Beggars Season

Jonathon Millmow, 12 October - WIS Hyperdome

In a shock move yesterday Brooklyn Beggars Captain and anachronistic establishment figure Kevin List apeared to deny a place to an actual cricketer in the Beggars line-up for Sunday's clash with the John Rowles Experience. Actual cricketer Grahame Morton, fresh from a three year stint representing New Zealand in the testing Chinese leagues has been denied a place in the Beggars lineup based on an obscure and unenforced law which has been routinely flouted by all other teams. Law 111 b (i) states that "Players must play at least on third of all round robin games or a total of 5 throughout the season" the law doesn't state to which games this applies, nor was it applied to the Beggars' las Semi-final appearance.

"The law's an ass" said team mouthpiece Stephen Metherell, "does it mean that you cannot field a player in the second game of the season who hadn't played in the first? If this rule is enforced the consequences could be greater than the D'Oliveria affair. I note also", he went on, "that rule 111 b (ii) states that "Players may not play in two teams in the same grade". This is a thinly veiled threat on the life of List's fellow anachronistic establishment figure Ozzy Ozzmeister whose psoraisis is thought to become life threatening without constant astro-turf exfoliation.

Actual cricketer Grahame Morton has had a successsful if peripatetic career, appearing in the national competitions of Dunedin, Tauranga, the Cook Islands as well as China. He is best remembered as the subject of the "grannygate" controversey when, after being selected to trial for the Cooks test team it was discovered that poor handwriting had led to the belief that his grandmother was born in Rarotonga, not Rotorua.

Another actual cricketer, Mark Richardson, remembers Morton from his days in Dunedin in the early 90s. "I owe Grahame my test career" Richardson said "the sight of him striding to the crease at number 8 for University Grange sparked off my bowling yips and if that hadn't happened I'd never have worked on the full range of nurdles to third man that took me to the test arena". Actual cricketer Brendon Bracewell recalls a game against Morton's Tauranga Boys' High School First XI "by that time my back was well b*ggered but my sledging was still international class, and that spotty opener (Morton) copped a real spray". Actual cricketer Dean Jones, reflecting on a Hong Kong Sixes tournament featuring Morton said "I may have called him a terrorist, but that particular misquote was taken out of context".

Seasoned Beggars observer, Adam the Umpire opined "we can't get the league table correct, how do you think we're ever going to enforce a qualification rule? In my opinion the Beggars can't afford not to blend a cricketer into their collection of sham artists and fakers."

ENDS

External Link: World Indoor Sports Laws of Indoor Cricket: http://www.wis.net.nz/assets/PDFs/Winter%202007%20Cricket.pdf

Injury threatens Beggars season finale

In what some are describing as a sickening blow to team morale just days out from the most important few weeks of the Beggars season, two of the stars of the team have succumbed to career threatening injuries. With Michael Hollings managing to get his foot placed in plaster (to avoid having his opening spot usurped by one J Williams according to insiders), the team was left having to beg, borrow and steal whomever came there way in their last sickening loss.



However Inside-Out-Sport is today able to reveal that star all-rounder, and perhaps the loudest man ever to play indoor cricket, Andy J Cameron III, will have to miss at least the next two weeks of the Beggars faltering campaign due to a recurrence of his early career back injury.



Cameron is expected to hold a media conference in the next few minutes, but Inside-Out-Sport have managed to travel back in time via an as yet undiscovered worm hole in the space time continuum and can reveal this startling news ahead of other media outlets.



At the conference Cameron’s spokesperson S Metherell is expected to say something like; “Well it’s a shame that the over-hyped show pony has had to give up playing again because of his fragile mental state – but hey – the team is bigger than any one man, particularly one of his stature!”



ENDS

Flat Track Bully Reveals "Egos Rule Beggars"

Hollings says he got it wrong about Cameron.."he is not a glory boy but an Australian in Disguise"



Michael Hollings with Jason Tekare (the premiere batsmen of the beggars)have said that "it had always been too hard to get any words in with the constant ranting of "Kevin.work the nets..field on the nets kevin" and had thought that this antagonising of fellow team mates to be "less than encouraging and quite Australian in behaviour .we wouldn't lower ourselves to that level, we let our bats do the talking..at anytime we are ready to swap positions with the glory boys from Australia". This has raised an interesting dilemma within the beggars as to whether Captain Kevin List is willing to change such a fantastic and very productive opening partnership.

All Eyes Turn to the Beggars

Richard Boock - World Indoor Sports Hyperdome, Newtown

After a year of minor disappointment for New Zealand sport, with the Cricket, Yachting and Rugby lost, and the Netball World Championship to be contested by women, the eyes and the specially purchased 50" flat-screen Televisions of the nation will be turned to the World Indoor Sports Centre as the playoffs of the WIS Fifth dimension approach. The beggars, top of the table however the order is published, have an easy run in to the playoffs provided they remember the start times and their shirts, and will expect nothing less than three crushing victories before advancing to a probable semi-final date with the surprise packets of the tournament, Team Maad. With a solid core of loudmouths and an absence of quality back-up players, the Beggars have not experienced the controversies of rotation and leadership issues. Indeed, the continued selection of Andy Cameron and the subtle and caring manner in which the beggars have dealt with his on-field problems seem to have paid dividends with the slightest inkling of form shown in his edgy innings of 32 last week.

Booked Tickets
Cheryl from Levin, clad in a replica of the pink Beggars change strip, was so confident that the boys from Brooklyn would march all the way to the finals that she has already booked her bus ticket to Wellington for the final. "I'll sleep in the queue outside the hyperdome if that's what it takes to get in" Cheryl said, " this is the trip of a lifetime, I've never been overseas, let alone to Wellington before, I just know they're going to do it this season, nothing can stop them this time. go the reds!"

Mood of the Nation
If the tone of talkback callers is anything to go by, the nation is confident that the spoils will go to the Beggars. Wayne from Upper Hutt, calling radio sport in the wake of the All Black's wholly predictably capitulation in the weekend, spoke for the whole country: "Mate" he said to a somebody he has never met, "I'm not worried about the blacks' result because I knew all along they weren't mentally tough enough to handle the pressure. These boys from Brooklyn though, they've put the hard work in in their government departments and what have you, so they know all about the trials and hardships of life, that means they'll stand tall, they'll dig deep and show passion for the jersey, they'll show some pride and do it for the fans back home, they have kept in touch with the grass underlay traditions of indoor cricket and they have the ticker to deal when it comes to the wire." Mate" he went on "I'm not ashamed to say that I cried when they went down in the semis last time but they've learnt from the experience and they understand what it means to the country for them to win so I just know that they'll do it for us this time".

Note of Caution
Veteran journalist Ozzy Ozzmeister, talking to Wayne on his indoor cricket talkback show "Stroking balls indoors", sounded a note of caution. "All last week's result proved" he opined "was that the Beggars are the best team when it comes to beating the minnows but that means nothing when the completion moves to the knockout stage. The standard of their next matches isn't enough to key them up for the big tests to follow. Also I'd question the distraction of their marketing campaign, I mean that vial filled with little squares astro-turf from all the courts in the country they've played on, how's that help? I heard they actually took the turf from a netball court anyway! And those little figurines of the boys have them drinking out of glasses, how stupid's that! Sure they're looking good but I wouldn't put my house on a beggars victory".

Wayne from Upper Hutt replied "too late mate, I mortgaged me house to bet on the beggars. 5 to 1 and it's a sure thing! You negative bu**ers really p*ss me off."

Beggars campaign manager, Gordon Copeland, denied the weight of expectation placed undue pressure on the Beggars. "We don't take any notice of all the talk" he said, "my job is to mentor them, keep them focused, and united, and I know I'm the best person to lead them to the title".

Beggars Captain Kevin "Party" List denied Copeland had any connection to the team.

Nicky Hager: New Book Exposes Indoor Cricket Corruption

Hollow Men Author Nicky Hager this morning held another shock and awe
press conference to announce that his new book is called "Beggaring
Belief: World Indoor Sports". Mr Hager has announced he has come into
possession of a "huge" number of e-mails and electronic discussions
between Ozzy Ozmeister and his stable of running mates that will blow
the door wide open on player insider trading, team-stacking, grade
fixing, and deliberately making bad captaincy decisions to aid
poor-performing oppositions.

"Ozmeister turns out to have been a voracious forum poster" Hager said
"and was occasionally prone to very free and frank ranting about the
teams and even individual players. I think what emerges is a picture of
a man who no doubt contributed greatly to wellington indoor cricket, but
once he took control was able to manipulate teams and games on a nightly
basis, was very confident in his judgements of other peoples' abilities
but a bit of a blind spot where his own were concerned.

Of more concern is the results manipulation Ozmeister has managed.
Ozmeister has developed an elaborate and sophisticated scam where he
rotates a stable of players into several "placeholder" teams in most
grades, and other teams that were simply invented on the night as the
result of defaults, if the teams ever actually existed in the first
place. The system was so sophisticated, that it involved player
rotation to ensure that genuine oppositions, like Brooklyn's famous
"Beggars" never caught on to the truth. Genuine teams, like the Beggars,
were therefore turning up and paying their money on a weekly basis
thinking they were playing in a genuine competition against genuine
teams.

Nicky Hager said he had spent hours this morning poring over the
materials and released a selection of excerpts from the discussion
forum. Including the following scandalous quote from the match report
of 7 June 2007, when superstar Brooklyn Beggar Josh Williams found
himself accidentally playing in Ozzy's team having been roped in by his
mate Simon:

"...And still only had 7 and was going to play with 7 till Simon spotted
someone from the previous game who he knew, from a div 3 side, and who I
recognised as an average div 3 player but better than noone at all, so
roped him in to make 8."

Williams, through a spokesperson, wwas reported this afternoon to to be
"apopleptic" and "incensed". Williams is widely regarded as the
greatest player the game has ever seen, therefore the notion that he was
an "average div 3 player" to be complete and utter slander.

Brooklyn Beggars management are reported this afternoon to be
considering an injunction on Hager's book, based on the excerpts
relating to their team, which clearly demonstrate the extent of the
manipulation.

10 July 2007 "Anyway saw BB play tonight, they're a typical div 4 side I
spose, love slapping slow medium bowlers, but couldn't hit spin with an
oar."

26 July 2007: [beggars lost the match 130-20] "Had a slightly strong
team for this game, mostly cause I found out bout it just before the 6pm
game and had no time to arrange a more appropriate team.

We bowled first with a 1 game old ball, they struggled to hit a thing,
we had a bash, the end."

13 August 2007 "Had a slightly strong team, so again tried deliberately
helping them out with my bowling selections intended to help feed them
runs as much as possible, but theres only so much I can do without
taking a bat myself..."

In a statement, Beggars Management were said to be "deeply concerned"
that the sport had been brought into disrepute, and were considering
legal options.

Points Fiasco Sparks Protest

Sports Briefs



Beggars officials are expected to lodge a formal protest today after they were only awarded 9 competition points instead of the requisite 10 for their pants down 141 run (ONE HUNDRED AND FORTY ONE RUN) annihilation of the toothless Vipers.

Beggars return to preferred late night slot

onathon Millmow, Allied-Prime AMI Westpac SuperCheap Auto WIS Hyperdome

The Brooklyn Beggars will hope that a return to their favoured 9.20 (Nine
Twenty, or Twenty Minutes Past Nine in the old money) prime-time playing slot
tonight will spur a return to the winners circle after the mediocrity and
confusion of the past couple of weeks. Beggars starlet Jason Te Kare,
speaking from a hospital bed after his having his pectoral implant removal
operation reversed, said he thought that the timing left other teams at a
distinct disadvantage "Nine Twenty, being twenty Minutes after Nine O'clock
and forty minutes before ten o'clock, leaves most other teams in a state of
confusion. Players lacking the state sponsored intellectual stimulation of
the Beggars work in wholes and halves, but a third past nine or, if you like
two thirds to ten leaves them cold just when we're warmed up, tuned in and
ready to go".

Slimey Fingers
C*nt struck ex Lothario Josh Williams agrees that the twenty one Hundred
Hours and Twenty Minutes time slot plays into the Beggars' slimey Sunday
morning fingers: "the demands of the hyper-celebrity culture surrounding us
means that we're often two busy posing and preening earlier evening whereas
our Jetset party animal body clocks mean we are only really fully alert
approximately twelve hundred seconds after Nine O'clock."

Poseur
Michael Hollings, after denying any link between the size of his preferred
mode of transport and appendages considered vitally important to the average
indoor cricket groupie, claimed that the extra two hours and twenty minutes
after seven o'clock afforded him time to trim his errant sideburns. "I'm
really a bit to shy to eye-up the netball chicks without a quick trim of the
short 'n' curlies before hand" he said.

Jesus Christ
Beggars Kaumatua the very Reverend Russell Hewitt, Bishop of Berhampore, said
that recent biblical scholarship has all but confirmed that the first nail of
Jesus' crucifixion was hammered home at ten twenty am Jerusalem time, or nine
twenty in the evening, New Zealand Summer time. "The direct connection
between that event, Josh's pre-match communion, and the nail hammered into
the oppositions prospects in the match at that time cannot be put down to
coincidence" he said.

Daylight Saving
Having heard this, the captain's minder, Justin Gregory, blurted "Sh*t, does
Kev now about Daylight Saving!"

All this, and more, will become murkier at NINE TWENTY-TWENTY PAST
NINE-9.20PM-2120 TONIGHT.

Metherell - Williams will take it on the chin

International SuperStar Times 17 September 2007

Modest family-man allround superstar good guy Stephen Metherell today offered his unequivocal support to lame team mate Josh Williams. Williams, in common with many, has found Metherell's supersonic thunderbolts to hard to handle behind the stumps and has resorted to taking balls on the chin. Metherell today announced his support for the idea and promised Williams he will do his best to rest his team mates' limp wrist by delivering a short pitched barrage. Observes at a recent Beggars closed practice session reported that Metherell's bowling reached speeds unseen since Concord was decommissioned, with perennial Beggars bench warmer Saab Johal lucky to survive while captain Kevin List had to receive an emergency tea transfusion after his blood pressure reached dangerously high levels.

After the session an obviously engorged Metherell modestly made a favourable comparison between himself and former New Zealand "fast" "bowling" "great" Derek Stirling, pointing out that "for all he achieved in the game he [Stirling] never made the Beggars' starting eight, let alone reaching the fifth dimension." With one eye staring lovingly at his reflection while the other perused his own bottom, Metherell went on to promise to replicate his practice performance in the Beggars' top of the table clash with the ghey-monikered "Cougar Hunters" on Wednesday Night. "With Williams' hand no longer a concern, I feel I can really let rip on Wednesday, it'll nice to know that my team mates' mediocrity wont hold me back any more".

Williams takes it on the Chin

Williams Weekly, 17 September 2007

Humbled superstar Josh Williams says his thumb injury needs to take the lion's share of the blame for the Beggars' ignominious defeat last week. "I think the boys have gotten used to having me behind the stumps there, saying inspirational things like 'let's go fullas' and 'come on brookers' that sort of thing. At our age people don't like their routines being upset so i think my absence behind the stumps knocked the boys' confidence. "We've all come to expect a certain look of dazed bewilderment from Kev" Williams said, "but it's a bit scary when it's the rest of us as well"

Clearly Williams' left hand was not to blame, as he bowled a world-record over of negative 18. But his batting was sorely affected, hampered by the horrific thumb injury that meant he was not able to nurse the shockingly out-of-form Stephen Metherell through their mind-bogglingly dreadful partnership.

Looking forward to Wednesday's match, Williams has confirmed that while his thumb is still "giving him jip", he will resume his keeping duties. "I'm prepared to take on on the chin for the team" Williams said". "In fact, I'd definitely prefer taking one on the chin than another one on my thumb."

ENDS

Williams "Simpsonises" Self

While prevaricating over whether or not to go to the nets this afternoon, and in a pathetic and desperate attempt to get more votes on the sexy beggar poll, badly injured superstar wicketkeeper Josh Williams today Simsonised himself at http://simpsonizeme.com/

Metherell Defects to Rebel League

Sports Briefs

After intense speculation and unconvincing denials, Brooklyn Beggars star allrounder Stephen Metherell today finally announced his intention to sign with the as yet unformed rebel indoor cricket league. Not citing family or financial reasons, Metherell claimed that the recent unilateral decision by self appointed wowser Andy "Who?" Cameron to end the Beggars' pre, intra, and post match drinking was the sole reason for his defection. "Andy's knee-jerk decision undermines the very ethos of the game" Metherell said "I know there's frustration among the boys at the failure of WIS to supply us the high society (porn) star treatment to which we have become accustomed and richly deserve, but to react by ripping apart the very fabric of the game is abhorrent to me. I'm doing this for the game I love".

There are signs that Metherell's defection could lead to yet another acrimonious split among the creaking primadonnas of the world's most popular indoor cricket team as he claimed to be planning the defection of the entire Beggars franchise. "With the bulk of the team (me) already gone" Metherell said, "I'm confident the rest of the boys will take a stand for the sake of the game and we'll take the brand with us". When asked what he thought Cameron would do without the Beggars Metherell responded with typical vitriol "as far as I'm concerned he can just f**k off with his sports water with his poofter soccer chums".

Cameron was unavailable for comment as he is currently undergoing basic training with the Salvation Army.

Williams confused by List's mixed metaphors; grins at journalists.

Josh Williams was swamped by a media throng on his way to after-work drinks this evening following Kevin List's announcement that he may be involved with the unveiling of a new bowling action from the legendary Beggars Captain.

"I don't know what he's on about most of the time" Williams said. "The only thing I'm doing with my head is scratching it, after all that stuff about nooses and tigers' jaws"

Asked for confirmation of his attendance at Saturday nets Williams blessed the throng with the impish grin that has thus far earned him one vote on the "most sexy Beggar" poll and said "wait and see".

Williams on Rebel Indoor Sports League Rumours

Star human being Josh Williams of Brooklyn Beggars megastardom has reassured his legion of fans this afternoon that he would not support a breakaway indoor cricket league, despite an increasing clarion of dissention with the International World Indoor Sports Assocation, and some big Beggars' names like Stephen Metherell being associated with the breakway league rumours.

Rumours that World Indoor Sports is going to fold following the conclusion of the Winter 2007 season has led to increasing speculation that a rebel league may be about to coalesce around Indoor Cricket impresario Blair "Ozzy" Ozmeister. A number of big names have been associated with this move, most notably, Williams' long-time batting partner, Stephen Metherell.

Williams was unequivocal in his rejection of the prospect of moving to a rebel league, but open to the possibility that it might be a more appropriate move for some other Beggars reaching the Autumn of their careers.

"Look some of the older guys in the team like Metherell, List and Gregory might wanna look at something like that. I mean clearly the agility is starting to go, even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet. I mean, look at Stephen, I have huge respect for the man, and we've had some great knocks together but look at him this week playing and missing all day, getting clean bowled, and taking kamikaze singles - i mean that's not what Steve or the fans want to see - so look if there's an avenue open to someone like Steve, that can give him some income security for once the baby comes and after his ability has all gone, then I'm all for it."

Organisational Failings at WIS

A series of organisational failings has led to recent grumblings from players and organisers alike. In the most recent example it was revealed that four out of the seven remaining round-robin matches for the Brooklyn Beggars will be played at 9.20 pm, allowing little time for after-match Heinekens of either a celebratory or commiseratory nature. The economic impact of this lack of foresight may have a devastating impact on WIS bottom-lines come end of season.

This follows hard on the heels of WIS's failure to update their results website so that a full 36 hours had gone by before the Beggars' international hordes of fans could find out the result of Tuesday's clash between the Beggars and the Boundary Hunters. While the result itself may have been utterly predictable, the merciless extent of the object lesson in basic cricket handed out by the Beggars on Tuesday was highly newsworthy.

And of course thee "subs debacle" has entered the cricketing vernacular, as it is now three weeks since Brooklyn Beggars completed payment of their registration fees but the bonus points have yet to be awarded, costing the Beggars a clear berth at the top of the table.

ENDS

Bonus Points Fiasco Costs WIS Dearly

The financial empire that is Wellington Indoor Sports was this evening thrown into disarray, following an announcement by Brooklyn Beggar’s player’s representative Andy J Cameron 3.

The Beggars, who are lying second on the Fifth Dimension table, have been unimpressed by WIS’s inability to collate their bonus points, the arrival of which would see the team catapult into first following their stunning series of wins in recent weeks.

“I am saddened to announce that the Beggars management have agreed to stop all pre- and post match drinking at WIS until the bonus points we are owed are placed on our account’ announced a sombre faced Cameron 3, flanked by his life size portrait of Australian cricketing star of the 80’s, Greg Matthews.

“While the Beggars as a whole certainly enjoy an after-match imbroglio, in the current situation, we feel we cannot support WIS, as they are not supporting us.”

WIS were not available to comment on this latest stunning reversal of their finances, however it is understood that the Beggar’s bar room antics were one of the few bright spots in the cricket season for the company.

Analysts at the Reserve Bank are understood to be checking their sums in a crisis meeting to see if this will affect the viability of keeping the capitol city in Wellington.

ENDS

Protest Quashed, Beggars Whitewash Confirmed

Breaking News

After a marathon 43 hour hearing at the Dubai headquarters of World Indoor Sports, the inaptly named Boundary hunters' protest against Brooklyn Beggars' drug testing results has been quashed and the Beggars' 77-123 humiliation of the men from Karachi has been confirmed. The Hunters protested against the drug testers findings that the Beggars abnormally high testosterone levels were a naturally occurring byproduct of the high octane all action style of the team, citing the extremely suspicious after match behavour. In evidence the Hunters' lawyers cited the fact that after the match, in a first for the team, the Beggar's left the premises immediately thus spurning their ritual post match beer. Elaborating at a press conference, Alastair Campbell, the Hunters' Public Relations consultant, said "our scouts have been following this team for months in anticipation of this match and it's quite obvious that the post-match beer is intrinsic to the way they play. What other reason is there for them to not drink but to avoid incriminating themselves in the urinal?" Campbell also went on to cite the physique of some of the punier members of the squad as evidence that the Testosterone could not have been naturally occurring. "That wicketkeeper, whathisname, the one who cried because the ball hurt, what other explanation has he got for a positive test?" Anonymous sources, speaking from the dermatological ward of Wellington Hospital, reported that the hearing turned on the hair sprouting from the shoulders of star allrounder Stephen Metherell. Tests on the hair proved that it has been growing steadily for some years and is not due to recent ingestion of synthetic hormones as claimed.

Reporting on the match had been embargoed until the result of the appeal was released and the next of Kin of the mauled Hunters players informed, such was the ferocity of the Beggars assault. In the field the Beggars had their foot on the Hunters throat throughout the first three partnerships which "amassed" 14, 13, and 14 respectively. A relaxed air thus prevailed in the final partnership as the beggars cunningly allowed the Hunters to eek out 36 more runs for the sake of having something of a target asvpractice for stiffer challenges to come (though not, as Campbell notes, those stiff challenges coming in the toilet). The effect was rather like a cat toying with a doomed mouse. Though the Beggars' chase started at a somewhat leisurely pace as Dr. Tim Jeffries seemed lost in star studded company, a magnificent hand by the Captain Kevin List and a nice Comedian/straight man act from Williams and Metherell saw the Beggars ahead before the final Gregory/Cameron axis inflicted a brutal and entirely gratuitous coup de gras with a nonchalant 44 run effort, leaving the Beggars to celebrate a perfect 10 point win and forlorn Boundary Hunters to shuffle their way to the protest room with their trousers around their ankles.

Man of the match for the second week running was the hugely committed Jason Te Kare who, at the expense of his marriage, helicoptered to the stadium directly from a secluded private Auckland clinic where he it is believed he had his pectoral implants removed less than an hour before the game began. Such commitment, matched in a peerless fielding display, has seasoned observers noticing that he is just a close shave away from some of the greatest mustaches in the history of New Zealand cricket.

Metherell expresses bemusement at List "Heartache"

Gossip magazine roundup

Leading all the world's gossip titles this week is reaction to Kevin List's much publicised heartache. Fellow Brooklyn Beggar and unavailable heart-throb Stephen Metherell, seemed unable to comprehend what all the fuss was about: "I don't know what all the fuss is about" he said, "I know it's been a long time between games but it's hardly like one of the team has given up or that he's been dumped from the beggars or anything truely sad like that". The hansome and deeply caring Metherell went on "I know Sam defected to the rebel English league, and we all groped about despparately to come to terms with that, but the team's given Kev enough ups and downs since then to keep any red-shirted man happy. Kev really has to learn to satisfy himself and to appreciate the weekly ins and outs of manly sport, with that in your life there shouldn't be any room for heartache.

Williams offers random, unmitigated, effusive praise to List

Late Tuesday afternoon, too late for the 6pm news, but early enough for the morning papers, star Brooklyn Beggars batsman/bowler/keeper Josh Williams broke a long period of media silence by issuing an unmitigated outburst eulogising the skipperage of Beggars captain Kevin List.

"Make no mistake, Kevin is god-like, a total genius", Williams effused. "His strategic thinking has a complete stranglehold over the fifth dimension. He's single-handedly keeping the competition alive. By holding back on paying the registration fee he's showing incredible restraint. We would get 25 bonus points which would put us in a commanding lead of the fifth dimension after only two games. Such a move would hopelessly demoralise all-comers and hopeful teams who dream of having the sort of class and talent Kev has at his disposal, and would make our weekly wanton dispatching of wannabee teams all the less pleasurable. In a nutshell, Kev has managed through his astute, shrewd and perspicacious captaincy to maintain a perfect balance between fun and results."

When questioned on the motivation for his fulsome outpouring an obviously emotional Williams said "pure respect mate. There isn't a beggar alive who wouldn't self-immolate without a moment's hesitation on Kev's say so." Williams refused to be drawn on questions of whether his testimony was genuine or if he was simply trying to cheer Kevin up following a miserable phone call from a despondent List which articulated unprecedented heartbreak, domestic issues and financial woe.

Beggars Pen Portraits

With the new season kicking off tonight Richard Boock profiles the worlds' most popular Indoor Cricket Team. Included here for the first are their outrageous nicknames so you can really get to know these stars of the astro-turf.

Kevin "Kev" List (Captain)
Leads by Osmosis, List's over idulgence in tea and Cronation Sreet inspired onanistic fantasies appears drive him on in the field, though his batting has been in decline ever since Bet Lynch left the Rovers' Return.

Russell "Russ" Hewitt
The Kaumatua of the team, recent carbon dating lends credence to the theory that Hewitt was the minor Biblical figure fielding at short cover at the very birth of the game: "Peter stood up to the eleven and was bowled" (Acts 2 13-15). Officially the third sexiest Beggar.

Andrew "Andy" Cameron
The missing link. Neither lothario of his own wet dream nor stable family man, Cameron's recent highly publicised date seemed a belated flowering after his tormented singularity. Rumours that the date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre are too scurrelous for any reputable organ to repeat. Therefore we can exclusively reveal that Andy's hot date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre.

Stephen "Stephen" Metherell
Possessor of a classical action Metherell's pace is enhanced by the ebb and flow of carefully layered folds of subcutaneous fat adding weight behind the ball.

Justin "Justin" Gregory
Playing under the pseudonym "Justin Gregory" since his millenial conversion to fundamentalist Islam, the silver tongued thespian lives on a diet conquests of improbably young (or is that old?) maidens. Proof of the theory that the male sex drive is essentially the desire to share an anecdote over a beer.

Michael "Mike" Hollings
Known to ditch the team, and even cut his hair, for his latest Delilah, Hollings remains an enigma to his team-mates due to his effette habit of avoiding beer soaked after match post-mortems in favour of a quick ride (on his Vespa... as he calls her).

Jason "Jason" Te Kare
Despite all posing and pretences of extra ordinary manliness among the less self assured team members, it is the mild mannered Te Kare who owns the title "most fecund Beggar" with three children so far acknowledged.

Joshua "Josh" Williams
Renaissance man William's wristy left handed guitar and batting hint at other extra-curricular activities. Permanently addled by equal and mutually agravating doses of alcohol and love sickness.