While prevaricating over whether or not to go to the nets this afternoon, and in a pathetic and desperate attempt to get more votes on the sexy beggar poll, badly injured superstar wicketkeeper Josh Williams today Simsonised himself at http://simpsonizeme.com/
Sports Briefs
After intense speculation and unconvincing denials, Brooklyn Beggars star allrounder Stephen Metherell today finally announced his intention to sign with the as yet unformed rebel indoor cricket league. Not citing family or financial reasons, Metherell claimed that the recent unilateral decision by self appointed wowser Andy "Who?" Cameron to end the Beggars' pre, intra, and post match drinking was the sole reason for his defection. "Andy's knee-jerk decision undermines the very ethos of the game" Metherell said "I know there's frustration among the boys at the failure of WIS to supply us the high society (porn) star treatment to which we have become accustomed and richly deserve, but to react by ripping apart the very fabric of the game is abhorrent to me. I'm doing this for the game I love".
There are signs that Metherell's defection could lead to yet another acrimonious split among the creaking primadonnas of the world's most popular indoor cricket team as he claimed to be planning the defection of the entire Beggars franchise. "With the bulk of the team (me) already gone" Metherell said, "I'm confident the rest of the boys will take a stand for the sake of the game and we'll take the brand with us". When asked what he thought Cameron would do without the Beggars Metherell responded with typical vitriol "as far as I'm concerned he can just f**k off with his sports water with his poofter soccer chums".
Cameron was unavailable for comment as he is currently undergoing basic training with the Salvation Army.
Josh Williams was swamped by a media throng on his way to after-work drinks this evening following Kevin List's announcement that he may be involved with the unveiling of a new bowling action from the legendary Beggars Captain.
"I don't know what he's on about most of the time" Williams said. "The only thing I'm doing with my head is scratching it, after all that stuff about nooses and tigers' jaws"
Asked for confirmation of his attendance at Saturday nets Williams blessed the throng with the impish grin that has thus far earned him one vote on the "most sexy Beggar" poll and said "wait and see".
Star human being Josh Williams of Brooklyn Beggars megastardom has reassured his legion of fans this afternoon that he would not support a breakaway indoor cricket league, despite an increasing clarion of dissention with the International World Indoor Sports Assocation, and some big Beggars' names like Stephen Metherell being associated with the breakway league rumours.
Rumours that World Indoor Sports is going to fold following the conclusion of the Winter 2007 season has led to increasing speculation that a rebel league may be about to coalesce around Indoor Cricket impresario Blair "Ozzy" Ozmeister. A number of big names have been associated with this move, most notably, Williams' long-time batting partner, Stephen Metherell.
Williams was unequivocal in his rejection of the prospect of moving to a rebel league, but open to the possibility that it might be a more appropriate move for some other Beggars reaching the Autumn of their careers.
"Look some of the older guys in the team like Metherell, List and Gregory might wanna look at something like that. I mean clearly the agility is starting to go, even if they haven't admitted it to themselves yet. I mean, look at Stephen, I have huge respect for the man, and we've had some great knocks together but look at him this week playing and missing all day, getting clean bowled, and taking kamikaze singles - i mean that's not what Steve or the fans want to see - so look if there's an avenue open to someone like Steve, that can give him some income security for once the baby comes and after his ability has all gone, then I'm all for it."
Organisational Failings at WIS
A series of organisational failings has led to recent grumblings from players and organisers alike. In the most recent example it was revealed that four out of the seven remaining round-robin matches for the Brooklyn Beggars will be played at 9.20 pm, allowing little time for after-match Heinekens of either a celebratory or commiseratory nature. The economic impact of this lack of foresight may have a devastating impact on WIS bottom-lines come end of season.
This follows hard on the heels of WIS's failure to update their results website so that a full 36 hours had gone by before the Beggars' international hordes of fans could find out the result of Tuesday's clash between the Beggars and the Boundary Hunters. While the result itself may have been utterly predictable, the merciless extent of the object lesson in basic cricket handed out by the Beggars on Tuesday was highly newsworthy.
And of course thee "subs debacle" has entered the cricketing vernacular, as it is now three weeks since Brooklyn Beggars completed payment of their registration fees but the bonus points have yet to be awarded, costing the Beggars a clear berth at the top of the table.
ENDS
The financial empire that is Wellington Indoor Sports was this evening thrown into disarray, following an announcement by Brooklyn Beggar’s player’s representative Andy J Cameron 3.
The Beggars, who are lying second on the Fifth Dimension table, have been unimpressed by WIS’s inability to collate their bonus points, the arrival of which would see the team catapult into first following their stunning series of wins in recent weeks.
“I am saddened to announce that the Beggars management have agreed to stop all pre- and post match drinking at WIS until the bonus points we are owed are placed on our account’ announced a sombre faced Cameron 3, flanked by his life size portrait of Australian cricketing star of the 80’s, Greg Matthews.
“While the Beggars as a whole certainly enjoy an after-match imbroglio, in the current situation, we feel we cannot support WIS, as they are not supporting us.”
WIS were not available to comment on this latest stunning reversal of their finances, however it is understood that the Beggar’s bar room antics were one of the few bright spots in the cricket season for the company.
Analysts at the Reserve Bank are understood to be checking their sums in a crisis meeting to see if this will affect the viability of keeping the capitol city in Wellington.
ENDS
Breaking News
After a marathon 43 hour hearing at the Dubai headquarters of World Indoor Sports, the inaptly named Boundary hunters' protest against Brooklyn Beggars' drug testing results has been quashed and the Beggars' 77-123 humiliation of the men from Karachi has been confirmed. The Hunters protested against the drug testers findings that the Beggars abnormally high testosterone levels were a naturally occurring byproduct of the high octane all action style of the team, citing the extremely suspicious after match behavour. In evidence the Hunters' lawyers cited the fact that after the match, in a first for the team, the Beggar's left the premises immediately thus spurning their ritual post match beer. Elaborating at a press conference, Alastair Campbell, the Hunters' Public Relations consultant, said "our scouts have been following this team for months in anticipation of this match and it's quite obvious that the post-match beer is intrinsic to the way they play. What other reason is there for them to not drink but to avoid incriminating themselves in the urinal?" Campbell also went on to cite the physique of some of the punier members of the squad as evidence that the Testosterone could not have been naturally occurring. "That wicketkeeper, whathisname, the one who cried because the ball hurt, what other explanation has he got for a positive test?" Anonymous sources, speaking from the dermatological ward of Wellington Hospital, reported that the hearing turned on the hair sprouting from the shoulders of star allrounder Stephen Metherell. Tests on the hair proved that it has been growing steadily for some years and is not due to recent ingestion of synthetic hormones as claimed.
Reporting on the match had been embargoed until the result of the appeal was released and the next of Kin of the mauled Hunters players informed, such was the ferocity of the Beggars assault. In the field the Beggars had their foot on the Hunters throat throughout the first three partnerships which "amassed" 14, 13, and 14 respectively. A relaxed air thus prevailed in the final partnership as the beggars cunningly allowed the Hunters to eek out 36 more runs for the sake of having something of a target asvpractice for stiffer challenges to come (though not, as Campbell notes, those stiff challenges coming in the toilet). The effect was rather like a cat toying with a doomed mouse. Though the Beggars' chase started at a somewhat leisurely pace as Dr. Tim Jeffries seemed lost in star studded company, a magnificent hand by the Captain Kevin List and a nice Comedian/straight man act from Williams and Metherell saw the Beggars ahead before the final Gregory/Cameron axis inflicted a brutal and entirely gratuitous coup de gras with a nonchalant 44 run effort, leaving the Beggars to celebrate a perfect 10 point win and forlorn Boundary Hunters to shuffle their way to the protest room with their trousers around their ankles.
Man of the match for the second week running was the hugely committed Jason Te Kare who, at the expense of his marriage, helicoptered to the stadium directly from a secluded private Auckland clinic where he it is believed he had his pectoral implants removed less than an hour before the game began. Such commitment, matched in a peerless fielding display, has seasoned observers noticing that he is just a close shave away from some of the greatest mustaches in the history of New Zealand cricket.
Gossip magazine roundup
Leading all the world's gossip titles this week is reaction to Kevin List's much publicised heartache. Fellow Brooklyn Beggar and unavailable heart-throb Stephen Metherell, seemed unable to comprehend what all the fuss was about: "I don't know what all the fuss is about" he said, "I know it's been a long time between games but it's hardly like one of the team has given up or that he's been dumped from the beggars or anything truely sad like that". The hansome and deeply caring Metherell went on "I know Sam defected to the rebel English league, and we all groped about despparately to come to terms with that, but the team's given Kev enough ups and downs since then to keep any red-shirted man happy. Kev really has to learn to satisfy himself and to appreciate the weekly ins and outs of manly sport, with that in your life there shouldn't be any room for heartache.
Late Tuesday afternoon, too late for the 6pm news, but early enough for the morning papers, star Brooklyn Beggars batsman/bowler/keeper Josh Williams broke a long period of media silence by issuing an unmitigated outburst eulogising the skipperage of Beggars captain Kevin List.
"Make no mistake, Kevin is god-like, a total genius", Williams effused. "His strategic thinking has a complete stranglehold over the fifth dimension. He's single-handedly keeping the competition alive. By holding back on paying the registration fee he's showing incredible restraint. We would get 25 bonus points which would put us in a commanding lead of the fifth dimension after only two games. Such a move would hopelessly demoralise all-comers and hopeful teams who dream of having the sort of class and talent Kev has at his disposal, and would make our weekly wanton dispatching of wannabee teams all the less pleasurable. In a nutshell, Kev has managed through his astute, shrewd and perspicacious captaincy to maintain a perfect balance between fun and results."
When questioned on the motivation for his fulsome outpouring an obviously emotional Williams said "pure respect mate. There isn't a beggar alive who wouldn't self-immolate without a moment's hesitation on Kev's say so." Williams refused to be drawn on questions of whether his testimony was genuine or if he was simply trying to cheer Kevin up following a miserable phone call from a despondent List which articulated unprecedented heartbreak, domestic issues and financial woe.
With the new season kicking off tonight Richard Boock profiles the worlds' most popular Indoor Cricket Team. Included here for the first are their outrageous nicknames so you can really get to know these stars of the astro-turf.
Kevin "Kev" List (Captain)
Leads by Osmosis, List's over idulgence in tea and Cronation Sreet inspired onanistic fantasies appears drive him on in the field, though his batting has been in decline ever since Bet Lynch left the Rovers' Return.
Russell "Russ" Hewitt
The Kaumatua of the team, recent carbon dating lends credence to the theory that Hewitt was the minor Biblical figure fielding at short cover at the very birth of the game: "Peter stood up to the eleven and was bowled" (Acts 2 13-15). Officially the third sexiest Beggar.
Andrew "Andy" Cameron
The missing link. Neither lothario of his own wet dream nor stable family man, Cameron's recent highly publicised date seemed a belated flowering after his tormented singularity. Rumours that the date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre are too scurrelous for any reputable organ to repeat. Therefore we can exclusively reveal that Andy's hot date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre.
Stephen "Stephen" Metherell
Possessor of a classical action Metherell's pace is enhanced by the ebb and flow of carefully layered folds of subcutaneous fat adding weight behind the ball.
Justin "Justin" Gregory
Playing under the pseudonym "Justin Gregory" since his millenial conversion to fundamentalist Islam, the silver tongued thespian lives on a diet conquests of improbably young (or is that old?) maidens. Proof of the theory that the male sex drive is essentially the desire to share an anecdote over a beer.
Michael "Mike" Hollings
Known to ditch the team, and even cut his hair, for his latest Delilah, Hollings remains an enigma to his team-mates due to his effette habit of avoiding beer soaked after match post-mortems in favour of a quick ride (on his Vespa... as he calls her).
Jason "Jason" Te Kare
Despite all posing and pretences of extra ordinary manliness among the less self assured team members, it is the mild mannered Te Kare who owns the title "most fecund Beggar" with three children so far acknowledged.
Joshua "Josh" Williams
Renaissance man William's wristy left handed guitar and batting hint at other extra-curricular activities. Permanently addled by equal and mutually agravating doses of alcohol and love sickness.
07/08/2007 - Thorndon
Stephen Metherell today broke off from his exhausting training schedule to deny waning semi-lothario Josh Williams' allegations that he rigged the voting in a crucial early season Brooklyn Beggars poll.
Reading from a prepared statement, Metherell said "I welcome any investigations into the source of my support.which will reveal only that my fan-base is truly international and and transgender." However Metherell was in agreement with one of Williams' allegations: "if Williams want's to get to the bottom of his pathetic showing in the poll he will indeed find the answer if he looks in my bathroom mirror." When asked what Williams might be doing in his bathroom he snapped "look mate, team bonding sessions remain private, you've overstepped the mark, that's it, I've no further comment to make.
From: Alan Donald [mailto: white.lightning@ecb.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, 7 August 2007 04 :48 a.m.
To: Stephen Metherell
Subject: Pass this on to Josh Mate
Hi mate, how's it's going? How's Lisa doing? The big day must be getting close! Saw your stats for the last outdoor season, what a terrible comment on the pitches and standard of umpiring!
Anyway, Kev's probably told you I'm consulting for you guys this season so I thought I'd get cracking... just had a look at the footage of Josh's bowling on the site, unbelievably shocking mate! Tell him there's nothing much there a double amputation wont fix! Nah just kidding. First thing, though, tell him from me to work on a follow through. that little pirouette thing makes him look even more like a poof!
I'll start working on the rest of the team soon, of course I'll only be repeating everything you taught me back in the day!
Anyway, I better get back to it. Early start today. I'm going over with what the significance of the flat brown bit of the field with Harmy (sheesh!).
Cheers
Alan
Josh Williams today heightened tensions in the Beggars ranks by suggesting that Stephen Metherell must be resetting his cache or deleting internet "cookies" in order to cheat the poll on the Brooklyn Beggars website.
When asked if he had any evidence of such tampering Mr Williams replied "IP addresses are being recorded however all the evidence you need is in Stephen Metherell's bathroom mirror"
http://brooklynbeggars.blogspot.com
News Briefs
After their stunning early season form, World Indoor Sports (WIS) have announced that the Brooklyn Beggars have been promoted to a new cricket league simply known as the "fifth dimension" created solely to cater for teams of such rareified talent. The Beggars will not expect to get any easy rides in the new league with old players The John Rowles Experience looking to match their pulling power.
Beggars captain, Kevin List, said that the promotion was just deserts for the hard work the team had put in during the off season. "Even Andy (Cameron) went on a date so obviously all the spade work is paying off in... erm... spades" he added somewhat prosaically. A WIS insider, commenting on the condition that his identity and cause of his terminal psoriasis not be revealed, said that other teams were "simply too embarrasssed to perform in an enclosed space with such stunningly dressed and striklingly hansome men, I call it performance anxiety and I know the feeling well". "Really", he went on "we had to find adequate competition for them or risk losing their stunning pulling power and unsettling homoerotic allure forever, so when the John Rowles Experience entered a team our new league of stars was born."
The Beggars will expect to be favourites when the TAB open betting on the new league opens.
External link: Fifth Dimension Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=800&place=41
New Weekly - Online Special
24 July, 06.25 EST
In a shocking departure from team convention, serial Wellington
dating-machine Kevin 'scooper dooper' List was caught on camera earlier
this week ogling newly matched team mate Andy Cameron and his unknown
mystery partner, even while taking a second unknown mystery woman to the
movies!
NW can reveal that Cameron looked stunning in a striped Gautier shirt,
and certainly seemed to be enjoying the highly-artistic and moving
foreign film, whilst List seemed ill-at-ease with the large and unsubtle
subtitles at an upmarket Wellington cinema.
NW insiders understand that List's antics have long been a cause of
tension within the camp, and may well be behind Cameron's sudden
decision to make himself unavailable for this week's pre-season warm up.
Other theories for Cameron's absence have been attributed to Great Uncle
Bulgaria's recent heart attack on Wimbledon Common, or even to an attack
of killer termites on his family farm.
ENDS
The Brooklyn Beggars celebrated their 10th anniversary this week in perfect style, taking out Division 1 back where it all began, in Newtown Wellngton. The normally private Beggars agreed to pose for a single photograph, which aptly illustrated the scientific curiosity the Beggars have become, their routine of one hour's exercise followed by 1-2 stubbies of Heineken once a week appearing to have completely halted the aging process.
By Jonathon Millmow in Brooklyn - Fairfax Media | Friday, 6 July 2007
They failed to win the Wellington Indoor Sports World Cricket Championship but the Brooklyn Beggars' future now looks assured.
The New Zealand government announced in the wake of last night's crushing 127-82 semi final loss to the Fossils in Newtown it will bankroll another tilt at brining the the title home.
Economic development minister Trevor Mallard said the government would provide each player's $10 fee per game and the registration the ball rolling in the coming months.
Beggars boss Kevin List said it was a great gesture and he would be back at the helm of the team.
"I have put my name forward and said I will run another challenge," he said.
"[The government's contribution] is an amazing step and I know we have huge support from the prime minister, Michael Cullen and the cabinet," said List.
"The Government's support has been sensational and without them we would not have had the time or the facilities to run our successful press campaign, let alone the funds for our after match beers." List added that he understands that the Government will ask that all members of the team aside from himself make token appearances at Government Agencies around Wellington in return for the funding and press facilities.
List said he was gutted after last night's loss.
"We are incredibly disappointed," It feels like our heart has been dug out with a spoon and I don't think that will change in the short term. But the Fossils were better. That's all that matters it's been a long three months. But of course I'm enormously proud.
"We enjoyed winning the fashion awards but we always knew it was only a step along the road to the ultimate prize.
"We didn't come here to just take part. We came here to win it. We haven't done that, so we're just going to have to re-group and have a look at what the future holds.
"We've been focused on the now. We'll need a bit of time to look at what happens next."
Mr Mallard said losing the was "a real bugger" but there had been "tremendous publicity" for Brooklyn, and the team returns much of the tax payer's money over the bar "so the net cost is actually very, very little".
Mallard denied that funding was linked to Beggars star Stephen Metherell's recent ejection from Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand party. Rumours were fueled when Mallard was overheard describing Copeland's Incontinence and Supply agreement with the Government as "worth keeping for when someone forgets to change the bogroll".
Copeland too denied the link, saying that the former pin-up boy of Family Friendly politics was ejected from his party because of the Beggar's "inappropriate attire." "The way that tight red number showed off his jiggly little man-boobs was an entirely inappropriate image for a family party." Copeland added that he couldn't erase the image from his mind and was considering taking time out of "the limelight" in order to rebuild his marriage.
-with NZPA
The will-he won't-he sage of retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has been finally bought to a close this afternoon after Andy revealed that he will not be making a come-back for the team in their crucial match-up against the Fossils at WIS Stadium this Thursday.
Cameron moved to dampen speculation he would re-join the team after rumours were swirling all week following exclusive pictures of a man who looked like Cameron practising on the hallowed turf of the Basin Reserve. However, in a stunning turn around, Cameron has revealed that his identical twin brother, Andre, will make his first team debut.
Andre, who recently returned to New Zealand after some years living and playing pygmy ice hockey in Kazakhstan, has no known international cricket experience, but reporters at the press conference this afternoon heard him mutter 'high five!' and 'rakhmet!' many times in a strong accent.
Andy, who for some reason did all the talking, stated that Andre is a slow right-arm off-spin bowler and hard-hitting lower order batsman who has been known to indulge pre-match. In what exactly, was not stated. However Andy did state that 'as he is my younger brother, by 27 and a half minutes, you can expect him to be fitter and more brutal with both bat and ball."
With the weakened Beggars staring defeat in the face against a strong line up of overtly weathered Fossils after the loss of Roose and Te Kare, it is expected that any slow bowler will be useful in a team dominated by military medium to outright slow medium pacers.
The game will be televised on Prime, in the absence of their gaining the rights to any more lucrative sports.
ENDS
Dominion Post, 2 July 2007
Exclusive
Stephen Metherell's Indoor Cricket and political career hang by a thread today after it was revealed that he was at home making muesli less than an hour before the Brooklyn Beggars allrounder's farcical performance against That Team last Thursday. The Beggars operate a strict pre match drinking policy but while Metherell's performances were leading them to the semi-finals his monogamy and relative sobriety was overlooked by management. However, after a well documented match-losing performance against That Team on Thursday, Metherell's wonton wholesomeness is coming under scrutiny and his place palce in the team is in doubt. Beggars sponsor have long been agitating for Metherell's removal from the team on the grounds that his public persona is not in keeping with their product and are expected to contact Beggars selectors on the matter this week. When confronted by management with the allegations Metherell is understood to have claimed to have consumed one bottle of Mac's Light (a one percent brew) in the hours before the match and thus to have been adhering to team policy. Beggars sources report that this has further enraged sponsors and officialdom alike.
In a further twist, Gordon Copeland, the leader of Future New Zealand, for whom Metherell is number 121 on the party list is understood to be enraged and considering sacking him from the party. "I've spoken to my caucus" said Copeland after muttering to himself "and we just cannot tolerate this kind of publicity for a member of my... I mean our party. As a member of a family friendly bloc like ourselves Stephen should have been supervising his wife's household duties from the safety of the lounge while conserving his energies for the arduous task of hitting his [as yet unborn] child with love". When confronted with the news that Metherell is not, in fact, yet married to his "wife" Copeland replied "how can she be pregnant then?" and muttered something about "unnatural practices of Green party members" infiltrating society.
Official announcements concerning Metherell's political and cricket career are expected from Beggars captain Kevin List soon.
adio New Zealand news market update at midday
Retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has refused to speak to media assembled outside his highly secret Wellington workplace this morning after late evening rumours surfaced that he was considering a short-lived comeback to help the struggling Beggars in their upcoming sudden-death semi-final against the slow-burning Fossils.
Cameron, who retired earlier this year following injury, has consistently denied he was considering a come-back, however this mornings sudden silence is adding fuel to the currency fire, with analysts at Deutsche Bank predicting a sharp drop in the value of the Kiwi dollar if his silence continues. Head analyst Ulf Schoefishe noted that the kiwi's recent gains against the greenback were partly due to speculation around Cameron's future plans, but with no certainty in the market, "there is a chance a sustained slide could ensue if Cameron does not make his future plans clear."
I'm Catriona McLeod for Radio New Zealand news.
Stephen Metherell was today rushed to an exclusive celebrity sick bay after complaining of nausea when recalling his last match for the Brooklyn Beggars. Metherell stoicly withstood a blow which would have reduced 7 of his team mates to girly tears when he bravely headed an atypically well struck Josh Williams shot to prevent it describing a parabolic arc into a That Team player's waiting hands. Sources in the sick bay say the scans and testing revealed Metherell has organic brain damage causing Tourette's syndrome and "a tendency fart in public and make comments innappropriate to the social context" but that "these conditions were almost certainly pre-existing and, if anything, a decent blow to the head might shut him up". Asked if there was evidence of such a blow the source replied "oh no, the ball would have had to have been hit by a cricketer".