Metherell expresses bemusement at List "Heartache"

Gossip magazine roundup

Leading all the world's gossip titles this week is reaction to Kevin List's much publicised heartache. Fellow Brooklyn Beggar and unavailable heart-throb Stephen Metherell, seemed unable to comprehend what all the fuss was about: "I don't know what all the fuss is about" he said, "I know it's been a long time between games but it's hardly like one of the team has given up or that he's been dumped from the beggars or anything truely sad like that". The hansome and deeply caring Metherell went on "I know Sam defected to the rebel English league, and we all groped about despparately to come to terms with that, but the team's given Kev enough ups and downs since then to keep any red-shirted man happy. Kev really has to learn to satisfy himself and to appreciate the weekly ins and outs of manly sport, with that in your life there shouldn't be any room for heartache.

Williams offers random, unmitigated, effusive praise to List

Late Tuesday afternoon, too late for the 6pm news, but early enough for the morning papers, star Brooklyn Beggars batsman/bowler/keeper Josh Williams broke a long period of media silence by issuing an unmitigated outburst eulogising the skipperage of Beggars captain Kevin List.

"Make no mistake, Kevin is god-like, a total genius", Williams effused. "His strategic thinking has a complete stranglehold over the fifth dimension. He's single-handedly keeping the competition alive. By holding back on paying the registration fee he's showing incredible restraint. We would get 25 bonus points which would put us in a commanding lead of the fifth dimension after only two games. Such a move would hopelessly demoralise all-comers and hopeful teams who dream of having the sort of class and talent Kev has at his disposal, and would make our weekly wanton dispatching of wannabee teams all the less pleasurable. In a nutshell, Kev has managed through his astute, shrewd and perspicacious captaincy to maintain a perfect balance between fun and results."

When questioned on the motivation for his fulsome outpouring an obviously emotional Williams said "pure respect mate. There isn't a beggar alive who wouldn't self-immolate without a moment's hesitation on Kev's say so." Williams refused to be drawn on questions of whether his testimony was genuine or if he was simply trying to cheer Kevin up following a miserable phone call from a despondent List which articulated unprecedented heartbreak, domestic issues and financial woe.

Beggars Pen Portraits

With the new season kicking off tonight Richard Boock profiles the worlds' most popular Indoor Cricket Team. Included here for the first are their outrageous nicknames so you can really get to know these stars of the astro-turf.

Kevin "Kev" List (Captain)
Leads by Osmosis, List's over idulgence in tea and Cronation Sreet inspired onanistic fantasies appears drive him on in the field, though his batting has been in decline ever since Bet Lynch left the Rovers' Return.

Russell "Russ" Hewitt
The Kaumatua of the team, recent carbon dating lends credence to the theory that Hewitt was the minor Biblical figure fielding at short cover at the very birth of the game: "Peter stood up to the eleven and was bowled" (Acts 2 13-15). Officially the third sexiest Beggar.

Andrew "Andy" Cameron
The missing link. Neither lothario of his own wet dream nor stable family man, Cameron's recent highly publicised date seemed a belated flowering after his tormented singularity. Rumours that the date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre are too scurrelous for any reputable organ to repeat. Therefore we can exclusively reveal that Andy's hot date was in fact his trans-sexual ex-brother Andre.

Stephen "Stephen" Metherell
Possessor of a classical action Metherell's pace is enhanced by the ebb and flow of carefully layered folds of subcutaneous fat adding weight behind the ball.

Justin "Justin" Gregory
Playing under the pseudonym "Justin Gregory" since his millenial conversion to fundamentalist Islam, the silver tongued thespian lives on a diet conquests of improbably young (or is that old?) maidens. Proof of the theory that the male sex drive is essentially the desire to share an anecdote over a beer.

Michael "Mike" Hollings
Known to ditch the team, and even cut his hair, for his latest Delilah, Hollings remains an enigma to his team-mates due to his effette habit of avoiding beer soaked after match post-mortems in favour of a quick ride (on his Vespa... as he calls her).

Jason "Jason" Te Kare
Despite all posing and pretences of extra ordinary manliness among the less self assured team members, it is the mild mannered Te Kare who owns the title "most fecund Beggar" with three children so far acknowledged.

Joshua "Josh" Williams
Renaissance man William's wristy left handed guitar and batting hint at other extra-curricular activities. Permanently addled by equal and mutually agravating doses of alcohol and love sickness.

Metherell Answers Corruption Allegations

07/08/2007 - Thorndon

Stephen Metherell today broke off from his exhausting training schedule to deny waning semi-lothario Josh Williams' allegations that he rigged the voting in a crucial early season Brooklyn Beggars poll.

Reading from a prepared statement, Metherell said "I welcome any investigations into the source of my support.which will reveal only that my fan-base is truly international and and transgender." However Metherell was in agreement with one of Williams' allegations: "if Williams want's to get to the bottom of his pathetic showing in the poll he will indeed find the answer if he looks in my bathroom mirror." When asked what Williams might be doing in his bathroom he snapped "look mate, team bonding sessions remain private, you've overstepped the mark, that's it, I've no further comment to make.

Pass this on to Josh Mate

From: Alan Donald [mailto: white.lightning@ecb.co.uk]
Sent: Tuesday, 7 August 2007 04 :48 a.m.
To: Stephen Metherell
Subject: Pass this on to Josh Mate

Hi mate, how's it's going? How's Lisa doing? The big day must be getting close! Saw your stats for the last outdoor season, what a terrible comment on the pitches and standard of umpiring!

Anyway, Kev's probably told you I'm consulting for you guys this season so I thought I'd get cracking... just had a look at the footage of Josh's bowling on the site, unbelievably shocking mate! Tell him there's nothing much there a double amputation wont fix! Nah just kidding. First thing, though, tell him from me to work on a follow through. that little pirouette thing makes him look even more like a poof!

I'll start working on the rest of the team soon, of course I'll only be repeating everything you taught me back in the day!

Anyway, I better get back to it. Early start today. I'm going over with what the significance of the flat brown bit of the field with Harmy (sheesh!).

Cheers
Alan

Metherell resets Internet "Cookies"

Josh Williams today heightened tensions in the Beggars ranks by suggesting that Stephen Metherell must be resetting his cache or deleting internet "cookies" in order to cheat the poll on the Brooklyn Beggars website.

When asked if he had any evidence of such tampering Mr Williams replied "IP addresses are being recorded however all the evidence you need is in Stephen Metherell's bathroom mirror"

http://brooklynbeggars.blogspot.com

Beggars Promoted to the Fifth Dimension

News Briefs

After their stunning early season form, World Indoor Sports (WIS) have announced that the Brooklyn Beggars have been promoted to a new cricket league simply known as the "fifth dimension" created solely to cater for teams of such rareified talent. The Beggars will not expect to get any easy rides in the new league with old players The John Rowles Experience looking to match their pulling power.

Beggars captain, Kevin List, said that the promotion was just deserts for the hard work the team had put in during the off season. "Even Andy (Cameron) went on a date so obviously all the spade work is paying off in... erm... spades" he added somewhat prosaically. A WIS insider, commenting on the condition that his identity and cause of his terminal psoriasis not be revealed, said that other teams were "simply too embarrasssed to perform in an enclosed space with such stunningly dressed and striklingly hansome men, I call it performance anxiety and I know the feeling well". "Really", he went on "we had to find adequate competition for them or risk losing their stunning pulling power and unsettling homoerotic allure forever, so when the John Rowles Experience entered a team our new league of stars was born."

The Beggars will expect to be favourites when the TAB open betting on the new league opens.

External link: Fifth Dimension Table: http://www.getteamresults.com/wellington/points.php?sport=19&grade=800&place=41

Beggars Dating Antics Beggars Belief

New Weekly - Online Special

24 July, 06.25 EST

In a shocking departure from team convention, serial Wellington
dating-machine Kevin 'scooper dooper' List was caught on camera earlier
this week ogling newly matched team mate Andy Cameron and his unknown
mystery partner, even while taking a second unknown mystery woman to the
movies!

NW can reveal that Cameron looked stunning in a striped Gautier shirt,
and certainly seemed to be enjoying the highly-artistic and moving
foreign film, whilst List seemed ill-at-ease with the large and unsubtle
subtitles at an upmarket Wellington cinema.

NW insiders understand that List's antics have long been a cause of
tension within the camp, and may well be behind Cameron's sudden
decision to make himself unavailable for this week's pre-season warm up.

Other theories for Cameron's absence have been attributed to Great Uncle
Bulgaria's recent heart attack on Wimbledon Common, or even to an attack
of killer termites on his family farm.

ENDS

Beggars win championship - 3 July 2017

The Brooklyn Beggars celebrated their 10th anniversary this week in perfect style, taking out Division 1 back where it all began, in Newtown Wellngton. The normally private Beggars agreed to pose for a single photograph, which aptly illustrated the scientific curiosity the Beggars have become, their routine of one hour's exercise followed by 1-2 stubbies of Heineken once a week appearing to have completely halted the aging process.

Government $10 bid to keep Brooklyn Beggars afloat

By Jonathon Millmow in Brooklyn - Fairfax Media | Friday, 6 July 2007
They failed to win the Wellington Indoor Sports World Cricket Championship but the Brooklyn Beggars' future now looks assured.

The New Zealand government announced in the wake of last night's crushing 127-82 semi final loss to the Fossils in Newtown it will bankroll another tilt at brining the the title home.

Economic development minister Trevor Mallard said the government would provide each player's $10 fee per game and the registration the ball rolling in the coming months.

Beggars boss Kevin List said it was a great gesture and he would be back at the helm of the team.
"I have put my name forward and said I will run another challenge," he said.
"[The government's contribution] is an amazing step and I know we have huge support from the prime minister, Michael Cullen and the cabinet," said List.

"The Government's support has been sensational and without them we would not have had the time or the facilities to run our successful press campaign, let alone the funds for our after match beers." List added that he understands that the Government will ask that all members of the team aside from himself make token appearances at Government Agencies around Wellington in return for the funding and press facilities.

List said he was gutted after last night's loss.
"We are incredibly disappointed," It feels like our heart has been dug out with a spoon and I don't think that will change in the short term. But the Fossils were better. That's all that matters it's been a long three months. But of course I'm enormously proud.

"We enjoyed winning the fashion awards but we always knew it was only a step along the road to the ultimate prize.
"We didn't come here to just take part. We came here to win it. We haven't done that, so we're just going to have to re-group and have a look at what the future holds.

"We've been focused on the now. We'll need a bit of time to look at what happens next."
Mr Mallard said losing the was "a real bugger" but there had been "tremendous publicity" for Brooklyn, and the team returns much of the tax payer's money over the bar "so the net cost is actually very, very little".

Mallard denied that funding was linked to Beggars star Stephen Metherell's recent ejection from Gordon Copeland's Future New Zealand party. Rumours were fueled when Mallard was overheard describing Copeland's Incontinence and Supply agreement with the Government as "worth keeping for when someone forgets to change the bogroll".

Copeland too denied the link, saying that the former pin-up boy of Family Friendly politics was ejected from his party because of the Beggar's "inappropriate attire." "The way that tight red number showed off his jiggly little man-boobs was an entirely inappropriate image for a family party." Copeland added that he couldn't erase the image from his mind and was considering taking time out of "the limelight" in order to rebuild his marriage.
-with NZPA

Cameron Mk2 to debut for Beggars

The will-he won't-he sage of retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has been finally bought to a close this afternoon after Andy revealed that he will not be making a come-back for the team in their crucial match-up against the Fossils at WIS Stadium this Thursday.

Cameron moved to dampen speculation he would re-join the team after rumours were swirling all week following exclusive pictures of a man who looked like Cameron practising on the hallowed turf of the Basin Reserve. However, in a stunning turn around, Cameron has revealed that his identical twin brother, Andre, will make his first team debut.

Andre, who recently returned to New Zealand after some years living and playing pygmy ice hockey in Kazakhstan, has no known international cricket experience, but reporters at the press conference this afternoon heard him mutter 'high five!' and 'rakhmet!' many times in a strong accent.

Andy, who for some reason did all the talking, stated that Andre is a slow right-arm off-spin bowler and hard-hitting lower order batsman who has been known to indulge pre-match. In what exactly, was not stated. However Andy did state that 'as he is my younger brother, by 27 and a half minutes, you can expect him to be fitter and more brutal with both bat and ball."

With the weakened Beggars staring defeat in the face against a strong line up of overtly weathered Fossils after the loss of Roose and Te Kare, it is expected that any slow bowler will be useful in a team dominated by military medium to outright slow medium pacers.

The game will be televised on Prime, in the absence of their gaining the rights to any more lucrative sports.


ENDS

Muesli Allegations Threaten Career

Dominion Post, 2 July 2007
Exclusive

Stephen Metherell's Indoor Cricket and political career hang by a thread today after it was revealed that he was at home making muesli less than an hour before the Brooklyn Beggars allrounder's farcical performance against That Team last Thursday. The Beggars operate a strict pre match drinking policy but while Metherell's performances were leading them to the semi-finals his monogamy and relative sobriety was overlooked by management. However, after a well documented match-losing performance against That Team on Thursday, Metherell's wonton wholesomeness is coming under scrutiny and his place palce in the team is in doubt. Beggars sponsor have long been agitating for Metherell's removal from the team on the grounds that his public persona is not in keeping with their product and are expected to contact Beggars selectors on the matter this week. When confronted by management with the allegations Metherell is understood to have claimed to have consumed one bottle of Mac's Light (a one percent brew) in the hours before the match and thus to have been adhering to team policy. Beggars sources report that this has further enraged sponsors and officialdom alike.

In a further twist, Gordon Copeland, the leader of Future New Zealand, for whom Metherell is number 121 on the party list is understood to be enraged and considering sacking him from the party. "I've spoken to my caucus" said Copeland after muttering to himself "and we just cannot tolerate this kind of publicity for a member of my... I mean our party. As a member of a family friendly bloc like ourselves Stephen should have been supervising his wife's household duties from the safety of the lounge while conserving his energies for the arduous task of hitting his [as yet unborn] child with love". When confronted with the news that Metherell is not, in fact, yet married to his "wife" Copeland replied "how can she be pregnant then?" and muttered something about "unnatural practices of Green party members" infiltrating society.

Official announcements concerning Metherell's political and cricket career are expected from Beggars captain Kevin List soon.

Cameron silent on 'comeback' rumours...

adio New Zealand news market update at midday

Retired Brooklyn Beggars all-rounder Andy Cameron has refused to speak to media assembled outside his highly secret Wellington workplace this morning after late evening rumours surfaced that he was considering a short-lived comeback to help the struggling Beggars in their upcoming sudden-death semi-final against the slow-burning Fossils.

Cameron, who retired earlier this year following injury, has consistently denied he was considering a come-back, however this mornings sudden silence is adding fuel to the currency fire, with analysts at Deutsche Bank predicting a sharp drop in the value of the Kiwi dollar if his silence continues. Head analyst Ulf Schoefishe noted that the kiwi's recent gains against the greenback were partly due to speculation around Cameron's future plans, but with no certainty in the market, "there is a chance a sustained slide could ensue if Cameron does not make his future plans clear."

I'm Catriona McLeod for Radio New Zealand news.

News Briefs: Metherell Undergoes Brain Scan & Cognitive Testing

Stephen Metherell was today rushed to an exclusive celebrity sick bay after complaining of nausea when recalling his last match for the Brooklyn Beggars. Metherell stoicly withstood a blow which would have reduced 7 of his team mates to girly tears when he bravely headed an atypically well struck Josh Williams shot to prevent it describing a parabolic arc into a That Team player's waiting hands. Sources in the sick bay say the scans and testing revealed Metherell has organic brain damage causing Tourette's syndrome and "a tendency fart in public and make comments innappropriate to the social context" but that "these conditions were almost certainly pre-existing and, if anything, a decent blow to the head might shut him up". Asked if there was evidence of such a blow the source replied "oh no, the ball would have had to have been hit by a cricketer".

Youtube clamps down on Metherall Impact Footage - Cricinfo Briefs

Mere hours after new footage emerged on the popular video sharing website Youtube of the sickening impact of an indoor cricket ball onto the ear of Stephen Metherell during last week's Brooklyn Beggars clash, it has been removed. Ozzie Ozmeister, claimed a copyright infringement on behalf of his company, Psoriasis Entertainment, which owns the television rights to Wellington Indoor Sports Cricket. This sets an unusual precedent, as it is understood that the amateur footage was not part of the official broadcast.

Meanwhile, WIS management have apparently issued Josh Williams a new bat weighing 2 pounds 4 ounces to try and limit the sheer power of his strokeplay, following the shot which Mr Metherell was, according to his reconstructive surgeon, "very, very lucky to survive".

Mr Williams' was reported to be "very shaken" by the incident and has not spoken about it publicly until now, and exclusively to Cricinfo. "It was like it was slow motion - i remember seeing the parabolic arc of his spectacles, hearing the high-pitched squealing, and watching him drop like a sack of spuds. My Gower-esque timing is pretty well-documented, and I knew I'd gotten all of it [the shot], and so I feared the worst."

Finally, more information about the horrific incident has come to light following the release of the black box recording from the ball. It was travelling 182kph when it made contact with Mr Metherell's head, 0.11 seconds after leaving Mr Williams' blade. It is understood that that while some of the shock of the impact was absorbed by the flex in the arm of Mr Metherell's spectacles, the ball registered an impact of 17g.

An announcement concerning Mr Metherell's selection is expected to be made later in the week, Beggars management are understood to be looking closely at both his form and fitness.

Beggars Capitulate Again

28 June 2007 Richard Boock

WIS Stadium Newtown

It was difficult to know whether the 95-84 loss to That Team was a new Nadir
for the Beggars, or just a continuation of the last one, but this team has
either seriously lost its mojo or their pre semi-final bluff has taken in
even themselves. A surge of betting against the Beggars in Delhi and Karachi
shortly before the final partnership allied with an unknown umpire making
crucial "mistakes" must be noted too.

The bald facts however are rather easier to understand: the last partnership
between the dashing and hitherto reliable Stephen Metherell and his slavish
and lesser imitator Josh Williams, required a mere 15 for victory and failed.
That it was Metherell, the very lungs of the team, at fault has left this
correspondent bemused, bereft, and questioning his love of the game.

What shaped up as an interesting tussle when the Thats' first partnership
yielded 36 runs quickly swung the Beggars way when the ever reliable Russ
Hewitt, reborn as a pace bowler very much in the Gary Robertson mould, bowled
a stunning negative 12 over followed by a negative seven effort from Josh "I
only need a couple of Syrrah to Warm-up" Williams. The latter conjured up
Gary Troup's glory day of New Zealand left arm seam (rather more than Murphy
Su'a). Though this partnership recovered to registered a laborious 1 and
though the remaining That batsmen batted well, tight fielding and bowling
kept the score under a hundred and the odds in Karachi well in the Beggars'
favour

The run chase began well with the ever under-appreciated Gregory top scoring
once more in a solid partnership of 32 with the reliable Te Kare. Following
this was 20 runs from kevin List and Russell Hewitt. "Captain Kev" List's
comic antics, running between the wickets like a mincing blind man groping
and sniffing his way to stinking long drop, distracted selfishly from a calm
and authoritative innings from man of the match Hewitt. New boy Tim Jeffries
and the departing Sam Roose added a composed 29 and at 81 with 15 needed the
Beggars seemed home.

But it was not to be. The first two overs yielded precisely nothing and a
visibly distressed Metherell reminded some observers of the descent of Kim
Huges and Jeff Crowe into cricketing idiocy. All the well judged calm of
Williams was undermined as his partner flayed incoherantly and unluckely,
seemingly safe conservative shots landing miraculously in fielders hands, and
a nicely judged single adjudged out by the hitherto (and hopefully
henceforth) unheralded umpire Hanse Cronje.

And so it came to the last two overs and still 15 required. As a surprisingly
calm recovery was mounted, the pathos grew as the out of sorts Metherell
bravely (if illegally) intercepted a Williams cannon ball with his head to
prevent it being caught, leaving a bruised ear to match his ego and
reputation. As tension rose in the last over a devastated Metherell thought
his coservative dink into the side nets had leveled the score with two balls
remaining only to see the ball somehow contriving to land in the groping
fielders hand. A flailing Williams could only add a single leaving 7 required
from the last ball. Proving his ticker had not failed with his technique,
Metherell charged the bowler and made a strong connection. For a brief but
beautiful moment it appeared he had defied the gods, the fates, and Satan
himself. But it was not a night for poetry. The ball sailed wide and a
heartbroken and shattered Metherell surveyed a glorious career in tatters. In
the confusion there was a meaningless runout but it was hardly noticed as a
broken man departed the stage.

ENDS

Beggars clash likely 'beer fest'

Peter Fitzsimmons - Sunday Star Times

This weeks indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars and That Team will almost certainly not be a hard fought game. Much like when I was on Ridgie's team during the first couple of seasons of Game Of Two Halves - a team incapable of propping up Ridgie's inferior knowledge of sport without the ridiculously knowledgable (and downright nerdy) Martin Devlin.

Anyway enough talking about myself. Three scenarios can realistically result from tomorrow nights clash.

Scenario 1 being the Brooklyn Beggars drink heavily before the clash, resulting in yet another inebriable performance from Josh Williams behind the stumps, and with the ball, in fact all tasks that don't require running - there I go getting distracted again - and the Beggars win in a cakewalk.

Scenario 2 being that Brooklyn turn the opposition on a little too much in their dashing new strip, and their short single running legs turn to jelly - the Beggars win in a cakewalk and drink afterwards.

Scenario 3 being that Brooklyn drink copiously before, during, and after the game resulting in complete and utter disorientation, the main result of which will be a very hard fought game against the shapely and pert Net-B-Allstars on the neighbouring sports arena. Provided in this case the Beggars remember to bring their newly acquired attire of fire and don't retire their desire, the Beggars will still be the winners on the day. The only potential problem with this scenario is that the Beggars may become Grovellers in the company of the luscious and long-legged Allstars.

Regardless of the final outcome, and its relevance to cricket or for that matter any of the inane drivel contained in my babbling preview, tomorrow is sure to be a thoroughly enjoyable night-out enjoyed by all but the designated driver and the media correspondent, both coincidentally bearing the name A.J. Cameron.

PETER FITZSIMMONS IS SOME AUSSIE BOOFHEAD WHO PLEADED TO OUR PAPER FOR A JOB. HE WAS LOUD, OBNOXIOUS AND NOT REALLY FAMOUS ENOUGH, BUT WE FIGURED THAT DIDN'T MATTER FOR A POST WHICH IGNORES THE ABILITY TO TALK. WE WERE WRONG.... SORRY - Ed.

Beggars clash likely 'yawn-fest'

27 June - NZPA

This week's feature indoor cricket clash between the Brooklyn Beggars
and That Team won't incur much media interest if last night's media pack
at the back bar of the Southern Cross is anything to go by.

Noted cricket commentator Steven Bock was up-front in admitting his
preference for late nights with boats instead when he stated, "to be
frank, both teams are already in the finals, and with key players
missing, this one's likely to be a low-rent cheap-hack non-thriller of
the sort Merv Hughes' moustache would be involved in."

"I for one would rather stick pins in my eyes and watch millionaire's
race carbon fibre across the waves than even bother to catch this game.
I mean, with the retirement of the Beggars class all-rounder Cameron,
the sickening loss of batting form of Williams and now the demotion of
Hollings for breaking team rules by not drinking before the last 'game',
there really won't be much point in staying awake."

At the same time, that heroically parochial Wellington cricket expert,
J. Millmow, fears there will be no contest at all. "Look, without me
there on the sidelines to put together a great write-up of the game, I
think any media who turn up will only get to witness a yawn-fest of epic
proportions, so I'm predicting no media will be there at all, including
that expert cameraman, A J C III."

"Add to this the choice of prolific 'spinner' Sam Roose to choose county
over country, and all in all, no one is really looking forward to seeing
the all-new red-branded Beggars hit the sidewalks at WIS, especially
with their propensity to beg for batting implements from the
opposition."

So no matter what the outcome of this game, it is likely that the
Beggars will face the highly-rated, deeply-calcified Fossils in their
semi-final next week, a game that most pundits are picking will be close
in age if not in score.

ENDS

Beggars management in crisis meeting

It is understood that Brooklyn Beggars managemnt are in a crisis
meeting after it was revealed captain Kevin List sent an email assuring
his poor unsuspecting players that they were supposed to be playing
Thursday at 7pm. As it turns out the start time is actually Thursday at
8pm. It appears a sad attempt at writing a fake press release is behind
the monumental c*** -up.

Hollings Dumped from Beggars

In a controversial but necessary move the talented but notorious
playboy among playboys Michael Hollings has been dumped from the
Brooklyn Beggars in their last match before the semi-finals. It is
understood by NZPA that with many of the Beggars team having
switched to a strict version of 'Wahhabi Christian Fundamentalism'
Hollings off-field antics were leading to on field tensions.

The final straw seems to have come when Beggars captain Kevin
'make mine a mineral water' List accompanied Hollings out on the
weekend in an effort to curb his excesses. Sadly not only was the
925pm curfew and prayer session neglected but there were instances
of Mr Hollings trying to dance 'like a squid' and piggy backing
intoxicated Americans.

Hollings place will be taken this week by Dr Timothy Jefferies. While it
is obvious the team will suffer from losing their talented opening
batsmen on the plus side as hard hitting batsmen Stephen Metherell
(also number 62 on Gordon Copeland's Future NZ party's list) says
"What is it for a man to win on the astro-turf of the Wellington Indoor
Sports centre and lose his eternal soul in the process."

Dr Jefferies is an erratic cricketer but more importantly a hard working
family man with a lovely wife (Mrs Tim).

The pre semi final game is at 7pm this Thrusday on the hallowed
astroturf of the WIS - no other changes are expected to be made
unless a Salem type moral witch hunt is more successful - anonymous
allegations regarding instances of moral turpitude can be sent to this
email address.